After picking Harper up from preschool this morning, I drove over to the Hallmark store to purchase candles. I’m sure you can relate to this statement: When I’m all out of creativity and energy and I’ve just been to the doctor for what I believe is lymphangioleiomyomatosis, I sometimes throw my hands in the air, cough a bit, and purchase enough candles to heat our entire house for ten days.
As I coughed and sputtered into my elbow with an armload of candles and a three year old who really just wanted to run around touching and smelling things, the Hallmark lady asked if I wanted to stack my stuff on the counter until I was ready to bail.
Me: HACCKKKK! Thanks! Actually, I think we’re ready to check out. HACCKKKK! Excuse me! HACCKKKK!!!
Hallmark lady: Oh! Hello, little one! Is SANTA CLAUS coming to visit you this year?
Harper (still sort of unimpressed by strangers who speak to her with sing song voices): Yes.
Hallmark lady (very much into changing tone with each spoken syllable): What did YOU ask SANta to BRING you this YEAR?
Harper: A white kitty cat.
Me: Yeah. Santa and I have been going around in circles about it for quite some time. Apparently, it’s against the law HACCKKKK!!! in the North Pole to deliver live animals on Christmas, and he’s not so sure he wants to risk it. I keep telling him HACCKKKK!!! that I’m the boss, and I don’t really care about the HACCKKKK!!! laws in his country. He keeps snarling and throwing big shiny boots at me, HACCKKKK!!! which I believe is an insult.
Hallmark lady (singing. she’s actually singing at this point.): PerHAPS he could BRING a STUFFED kitty CAAAAAAAAAT, MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!! HHHhhhhhhhMMMMMMMMM??????
Me: HHAAAAACCCCKKKK! Whoa there. Hey! I would have NEVER thought of THAT ONE on my OWN!!! God bless us, Everyone.
So, Harper and I left the Hallmark lady thinking that she saved our Christmas. And, whatever. I’ll let her sing that story to her friends if she wants. Because I’m cool like that. Merry Christmas.