“Ah. It’s sort of delightful to be sitting in front of someone who can actually sing. I need to see who she is and try to sit in front of her more often. O splendor of God’s glory bright la la la la la la la laaaaaaah… Oh. Wait. Who just poked me in the eyeball with a butter knife?”
“Yeesh. Okay. It’s not so delightful when she starts hitting those notes above B-flat. Settle down there, Liza. Liza? SETTLE DOWN. You’re HURTING me.”
“I’ve never been this annoyed by the opening prayer before. Does the woman behind me think she’s the only person reading this thing out loud?! Pipe down there, Boasty!”
“Weave, weave, weave us together. Weave us together and temporarily numb her laaaaaar-ynx. Oh. Wait. I think I’m about to throw up. Yep.”
“Tracers! Tracers!”
“Jeff, I’m afraid it’s going to be Colonel Pudding in the Church of Christ with a Candlestick if she doesn’t stop screeching EVERY NOTE ABOVE B-FLAT. I think I need to go out to the car. No. I’ll wait. No. I need to go. I’ll wait. I’m out of here. No, I’ll wait.”
“That’s it. Don’t anyone look at me or talk to me or offer me a hand of friendship. You see, I believe Satan is chewing on the inside of my head. Right behind my right eye. And that birthday cake in the fellowship hall? Oh, man. I’m going to throw up. Why is this church spinning?!”
(I’m much better today. High five, Maxalt!)
12 responses so far ↓
1 Courtney // Feb 23, 2009 at 11:33 am
I always get stuck in front of the Wild and Wacky singers! There usually is no Sneak Attack though. My favorites are the ones who sing AT TOP VOLUME NO MATTER HOW APPROPRIATE.
can you hear me now?
2 Haus // Feb 23, 2009 at 11:35 am
Peace be with you, too, sister.
Otto called Jesus “chee-ZUS” yesterday. I think this means we need to start Sunday school.
3 Clair // Feb 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Join the choir, it gets you away from the wild and wacky and tone deaf. And Maxalt? A way better miracle worker than The Man himself.
4 Alli // Feb 23, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Hmm, I never heard of Maxalt. I take Relpax myself. I’ll have to look in to this one. Glad you didn’t spew in your pew, hahahahahha…sorry.
5 Dooley // Feb 23, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Is this another one of Meredith’s Faulkner-esque ‘stream of consciousness’ stories?
6 blackbird // Feb 24, 2009 at 6:05 am
Middle gets migraines in church. But he just wobbles up to me and says: I’m blind.
7 patois // Feb 24, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I’m lucky to have never experienced one like that before, and I’m particularly grateful it never happened in church. Although I imagine that’s as good a place as any to pray to God to save you.
8 peevish // Feb 25, 2009 at 12:52 am
Have you heard the thing about Vitamin B2 supplements helping to prevent migraines? Because I just read that like 2 days ago. I don’t have them (migraines) often, but they are the vomiting kind and I know how much that sucks.
xo
9 Brinski // Feb 25, 2009 at 1:19 pm
YEEE-OWICH! Man, thats a bummer.
Usually I’m in chuch screaming inside my head “GET TO THE POINT DUDE!” or as we used to say in homiletics class “LAND THE PLANE FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!”
Nothing worse than a parishioner with a theology degree…
10 AmyElle // Feb 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Hey woman! Maxalt is the BOMB. It so works. Unfortunately, insurance hates it, and it’s expensive.
Don’t they always hit at the most inconvenient times?
11 Lori Anderson // Mar 1, 2009 at 6:41 pm
OMG. Migraines are awful. My worst one started up while I was driving INTO the sun and was still 30 minutes from home. Road rage? Um, yeah.
12 Stephanie // Mar 10, 2009 at 12:58 pm
lurve me some maxalt! and luckily my insurance covers or i’d be soooo hosed.
Leave a Comment