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The albatross and the whales, they are my brothers.

As you know: I quit the whole breastfeeding thing about a month ago.

Here's something you DIDN'T know: I quit wearing my nursing bras about a week ago.

And HERE'S something you would NEVER know if I wasn't feeling so buddy/buddy with you: My non-nursing bras were all purchased nearly a decade ago, and now they're all puckery and ragged!

A few days back, Tempe read my mind. She called and suggested that we go to Ann's for a bra fitting! (Normally she suggests dinner and knitting or coffee and a yarn store, so this was a peculiar but very welcome invitation!)

The Official Plan: Meet at Ann's at 1800 hours on Thursday, October 18th. Get fitted for bras. Mosey over to Chris's Needlecraft for the Holiday Gifts 2007 Interweave Knits magazine. Haul ass to Houlihan's for blueberry martinis and a salad.

I arrived at Ann's at 1750 yesterday evening. As soon as I arrived, I noticed a rainbow exploding out of the sky RIGHT OVER THE BRA SHOP. I'm not even kidding. It was like a sign from God that the rain would subside if I saved a set of beasts. (When God reads this, He's totally going to laugh and say, "By BEASTS do you mean BREASTS?!?! Ha! Big house in Heaven for you, Goofus!") ((Here is the rainbow, courtesy of Tempe and her crazy Taking Pictures While Driving skills!))

I entered the store and wrote my name down on the sign-up sheet.
I talked myself out of dotting my i with a heart.
I resisted the urge to make tiny breasts out of my w.
(I will never tell you my name, but I *will* tell you that it can double as a gerund!)

Shortly after Tempe arrived, the Bra Fitter Lady (BFL) called my name.

BFL: Angela Pudding?

Me (jumping up from a bench, nervous and excited): That's me!

BFL: What can we do for you today?

Me (about to do that verbosity thing again): I need to be fitted! I just stopped breastfeeding! My daughter is two! My bras don't fit anymore!

BFL escorted me to a changing room and ordered me to remove my top layers.
Here is where the confusion began.
I was only wearing two layers--shirt and bra.
She clearly used the plural.
Do I remove just my shirt (the top layer) or do I remove everything (the top LAYERS)? Of course, I went for everything. (I kept my pants on.)
BFL walked back into the room and asked me to raise my arms to the sky.

Okay. Now I'm about to reveal some major secrets. Are you ready?

BFL: What size is the bra you were wearing?
Me: It's either a 34C or a 36B. I can't remember, and the tag is all faded out.
BFL: You're not a 34. You're a 32. D.
Me: D?! You have GOT to be kidding me!

From there it gets pretty boring. I specified no wires, seamless, slight padding, and inexpensive. She returned with a little $40 number that fit perfectly.

Me: It's a little pricey for me.
BFL: I know. The one I was thinking of is $29.50, but I can't find it.

I decided to go with the $40 bra, and I decided to rip the tags off and wear it home.
(Harry Burns summed it up perfectly when he said, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." That's how I feel about my new bra.)
((By the way, I wish I had another word for Bra. I grew up calling them dooby-doos, as in, "I think I need some new dooby-doos," but you know, now I'm an adult and all. What I wouldn't give for an undergarment thesaurus!))

My BFL then released me from her care and began Tempe's fitting. I wandered over to the 32D(!!!!) rack and started browsing.
I was feeling strangely confident and buxom.
The Little River Band's Cool Change started playing on the radio.
I surprised myself by knowing every word.
I smiled and perhaps twirled a bit.
My BFL approached.

BFL: Your friend is the same size as you!
Me: I think all the cool kids are Ds.
BFL: Oh! Look! I found the $29.50 one I was telling you about!
Me: I think I'll try it on!
BFL: I'm bummed because your friend also wants seamless and wireless, but you took the last one in that size.
Me: Wait! When I take off this one to try on the new one, she can try on this one!!!
BFL: You don't mind?
Me: If she doesn't mind, I don't mind.

So I went back into the dressing room, ripped off my shirt, and handed the bra to BFL. She then handed it to Tempe and returned to see how I liked the $29.50 model.

Me: This one doesn't seem to fit as well as the other.

With that, BFL reached her hands into Miss $29.50 and repositioned my stuff. Suddenly, it fit perfectly.

Me: Will you marry me?

So, anyway. To make an already long story a bit shorter, I stayed with Lady $40, Tempe found something else that worked, we paid, we browsed the yarn store, and we scored a booth at Houlihan's, where every patron ogled our gargantuan bosoms.

Me (sucking down a blueberry martini with my big ol' chest): So, I didn't know what she meant when she told me to remove my top layers.
Tempe (fondling my Woolly Boully Sock Club yarn): I know! I had to ask how far she wanted me to go.
Me (nervously sweating a bit with my big ol' chest): Oh, dear God. Please tell me she told you to take off everything.
Tempe: Nope. Just the shirt.

So, yeah. I probably surprised the BFL a bit by being all naked and in her face for the "raise your arms into the air" portion of the fitting. Yikes. Sorry, BFL.

Me: Hey, do you think my bra size will come up during your lunch meeting tomorrow?
Jeff: I don't think so, but you never know.
Me: If it DOES, please tell your friends that your wife was pleasantly surprised to learn that she's a D!
Jeff: And then I'll say, "And D is for DAWG!!!" and I'll jump up and high five everyone in the room.
Me: I triple dog dare you.

My big ol' chest and I wish you a pleasant weekend.

Posted by: fluidpudding on 10/19/2007 1:53:52 PM , 40 comments
Submitted by ben at 10/19/2007 1:40:53 PM
    I've tried the old "remove your top layers" line on Tempe. It's never worked for me.
Submitted by FP at 10/19/2007 1:45:08 PM
    Ben--That's weird. Because when I tried it in the Houlihan's parking lot, she immediately removed everything. But maybe that was the martini talking!
Submitted by Nichole at 10/19/2007 2:05:55 PM
    What a great story! Now I'm sad that I never went to Ann's when I had the chance.

    I'll be using nursing bras for the next few who-knows-how-longs, and I can already tell that I'm going to need some new dooby-doos when we're finished with that adventure. I wonder if Ann has any southern cousins in the bra-fitting biz.
Submitted by Jaynee at 10/19/2007 2:10:40 PM
    I kept it together here at my desk until you got to "dooby-doos" and then I sat here twitching with uncontrolled laughter the rest of the way.

    Brilliantly funny, woman.
Submitted by jen at 10/19/2007 2:11:39 PM
    Funny, because I recently realized that I can fit into a training bra. And, I really wish I was joking. But I'm really not.
    AND, I know every word to every Little River Band song. Makes me smile just thinkin' about it. Think I'll put in their greatest hits and start slobbering.
    Happy Weekending to you and yours. (and by "yours" I mean your BeastDs.)
Submitted by sltbee69 at 10/19/2007 2:21:18 PM
    LMAO! Makes me want to grab my BFF and go doobey do shopping together. I can just imagine the hilarity that would ensue from that trip! Have a great weekend Hooty McBoob. :-)
Submitted by sltbee69 at 10/19/2007 2:23:16 PM
    oh - BTW it's Susan from yesterday.
Submitted by blackbird at 10/19/2007 2:33:49 PM
    HEY.
    I'm a 32D.
    Welcome to You'll-Never-Find-A-Bra-In-That-Size World.

    god. that was hard to type.
Submitted by Karaoke Diva at 10/19/2007 2:54:57 PM
    Yeah, I'm a D, too...

    ...when I'm pregnant and/or nursing. Otherwise, I am stuck firmly in the "with a lot of wishful thinking I can completely fill this C-cup" category.

    Maybe I really should take up knitting. Apparently it works better than the "I must increase my bust" exercises.
Submitted by Erin at 10/19/2007 2:57:23 PM
    Oh this is so, so funny. SO funny.

    (And congratulations!)
Submitted by Sherry at 10/19/2007 3:05:42 PM
    I'm married into the gerund name.

    I need to get fitted as well. I'll tell them I need some new dooby-doos.
Submitted by Kathy at 10/19/2007 3:27:32 PM
    Me and my little "B's" feel so small. I've never been "officially" fitted, but it's been suggested that I go down a band, and up a cup -- but a 32C, rather than a 34B with some spillage, is ridiculously hard to find. (Sorry blackbird, I can't imagine trying to find a 32D.)
Submitted by Badger at 10/19/2007 3:58:58 PM
    HA! I did the bra fitting thing earlier this year, and after fainting dead away at the news that I was a 32DD (that's two Ds! or if you're European, I'm an E! which is even more horrifying as my hooters are not that big, I swear!) I promptly bought THREE magical expensive bras. Have never looked back. And obviously, still have not stopped talking about it. Gah.
Submitted by TheQueen at 10/19/2007 4:28:06 PM
    God, thanks so much for mentioning that rainbow. I was going to watch the local news to see if they ran a piece on it. My coworker called me, because her friend called her, I called my husband, all to report there was a perfect rainbow over Saint Louis.

    And yeah, just wait until you're a DD. Not so fun any more, baby.
Submitted by Sandy at 10/19/2007 5:46:58 PM
    OK, I had no idea you lived in St. Louis (I JUST started reading you a little bit ago). As a fellow big-bazoomed lady (bigger than D, even), EYE HEART ANN'S BRA SHOP. They are the only place in town that even CARRIES bras my size, and the woman are totally nonchalant about handling your goodies.
Submitted by YetAnotherKaren at 10/19/2007 7:39:55 PM
    Me = 30C. This after YEARS of being a 34B (A) and wearing a bra that didn't fit. The secret is squishing all that side-boobage into the underwires that suddenly feel comfortable for the first time in, like, ever and make you feel all twirly inside. People should teach this stuff to you when you're younger. It is not fair to learn you are a C-cup when you're over 40.
Submitted by RzDrms at 10/19/2007 8:47:16 PM
    okay, this is serious: they make blueberry martinis?! are you for real?! wow; sign me up. and, for my own part, just tucking my...doobie-doos into my pants and tightening up my belt works quite well for me. (kidding! i have no kids yet. i just lift up the bottom of my shirt for peeps to see my girls. amen.)
Submitted by All Adither at 10/20/2007 12:11:00 AM
    Sorry, but all the cool chicks are As.

    Though I'm sure you're very cool too.
Submitted by Mizmell at 10/20/2007 6:50:29 AM
    Sounds like you got your girls well taken care of--sounds like fun. Maybe I should plan a bra-fitting party and we'll serve those blueberry martinis--sort of an evolution of the Tupperware Party??
Submitted by Ceece at 10/20/2007 2:16:27 PM
    what an awesome recap.
Submitted by Just Beachy at 10/20/2007 11:32:27 PM
    I'm so sad. I went today and I went down from a D to a C. What does that mean? Hummm. They measured me in the front of the store, like in the mall window..awkward. Also, the super sexy $10 off bra didn't fit? What does all this mean? I'm so confused? However. Blueberry Martinis sound divine! Also, I soooo Miss Houlihans, we had them in Texas.
Submitted by Wendy at 10/21/2007 12:38:00 AM
    Man. I gotta go to Ann's next time I'm in St. Louis. I think those BFLs have groped every female in the STL that I know!
Submitted by Alli at 10/21/2007 8:02:38 AM
    Stop bragging all you 32Ds! I was a 36B- after breastfeeding. Yes, that says minus after the B. Now, pregnant again, after 8 years of not being pregnant I am a big, full, painful C. I'd like to keep these, but, alas, that won't happen. Hope you and those beasts have a nice weekend.
Submitted by mamasgotmoxie at 10/22/2007 11:37:30 AM
    a bra fitting!! that's what i've been meaning to do since i stopped breastfeeding a year ago. thanks for reminding me! and yes, the cool girls are all d's... thank you very much... ;)
Submitted by sweetney at 10/22/2007 11:59:12 AM
    this frightens me a little, as all my bras are either 34B or 36C (the latter AFTER pregnancy). am i strapping my girls down too hard, i wonder?

    (not that you needed or wanted this information)

    (am now embarrassed)

    (crawls away)
Submitted by Amy in StL at 10/22/2007 12:39:23 PM
    I wonder if I should go there for a fitting. I've been wearing the same size forever, but everytime the ladies at Vicki's measure me, they give me bras that don't fit right. Do they have the matching bottoms for the tops? I can't start buying unmatched sets!
Submitted by Bad Hippie at 10/22/2007 2:06:52 PM
    I got fitted a month ago, too, and found out I was a D!

    I was sort of shocked. I've always been a "B." Damn you, new birth control pills, damn you!

    If I ever have another child, I'm afraid that these bad boys (or girls...what am I supposed to call THEM?) will balloon.
Submitted by bethnany at 10/22/2007 4:32:25 PM
    Wow, I can't imagine finding out that I am a whole cup size larger that I though I was...I certainly plan on it though, after I get my boobs done one day. Maybe I'll squeeze myself into an old bra...go bra shopping and then feign excitement and surprise when the bra lady hands me the news...could be fun. I clearly need a life!
Submitted by mercybuttercup at 10/22/2007 7:58:37 PM
    Oh! I was so ready for this story to have a sadder ending than it did, that it was like a little Christmas miracle. You see, I too was a 32D. While nursing. Well... technically, a 32D on one side. Anyway, my point is, the only 32D bra I could find in the damn city was at Nordstrom and cost $75. I am jealous of Ann's.

    Although it was fun watching boys half my age walk into walls after we passed on the street, I was really looking forward to shrinking, just so I could afford to own more than one bra. And so I weaned, and I shrank, and I got fitted, and it was reported thus: "You're kind of... well, a 31-A-B."

    The finding of bras remains a challenge.
Submitted by Mocha at 10/22/2007 9:31:41 PM
    Now I really regret not seeing you this last weekend. You and your busty lusty lady lumps.

    Next time, kthanxawesome.
Submitted by Juniper at 10/22/2007 11:03:34 PM
    May I ask... I saw you recommended an anti-grinding device for another blogger (kimblag)... what is it you recommend? Thanks!
Submitted by FP at 10/23/2007 7:13:18 AM
Submitted by Cheap Like Me at 10/23/2007 11:02:01 AM
    I was always a 36C and then after having my daughter (I think my ribs expanded?) was a 38B but then all my bras got super uncomfortable and I measured again this year and I'm a 34D! Which is a very hard bra to find. But I hit JC Penney last weekend and they had a great selection. One even has lace on it (and even though it says "Minimizer" it looks great). My complaint is that most of the Ds are so industrial and scary looking. My lady lumps aren't THAT big (or lumpy).
Submitted by Belinda at 10/23/2007 3:19:37 PM
    Man, I have GOT to do this. I've always been too cheap, but there is a place in Little Rock where they do the fittings...I should go.
Submitted by Sharon at 10/24/2007 7:17:58 AM
    I think I'm the big winnah here- I thought I was a D, but turns out I'm a... wait for it... G.

    Tah dahhhhh! My boobs are scheduled to take over the world on Tuesday.
Submitted by Heartfull at 10/25/2007 9:14:29 AM
    I, too, love Ann's. In fact, I'm due for a fitting. It is a good thing you didn't warn us you were going or I might have crashed your fitting...

    When C was born, they put me in the most amazing nursing bra. Some German thing that I love. I love everything about it but the price tag. $50! But what can you do when you try on a bra and it is perfect. Especially when it is a nursing bra?

    I'm still nursing, but it is so infrequent that I'm honestly thinking I might just get one nursing bra this time and go for something with a little more oomph. Because after 8 years of straight nursing, I need a lot of oomph help.
Submitted by erika at 10/25/2007 12:29:20 PM
    You are the funniest. I wish we had an Ann's here. I tried using the Maidenform widget for sizing and it says I'm a 32C. But my cups spilleth over at the moment and I think I might be joining you in the D circle.
Submitted by anginak at 10/27/2007 5:28:12 PM
    How about 'over the shoulder boulder holders'!
Submitted by Krista at 10/28/2007 8:00:47 AM
    I am the same size as you told the lady and now I think there may be a rash of women running into stores to try out the 32D. Admittly I will shift my deflated breast quite a bit!
Submitted by Rebekah at 10/28/2007 10:53:44 PM
    Sharon: me too! it's such a pain, and now I'm pregnant, and they are getting even bigger. Please God let them get a litttttle smaller after?
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