Me: So, Scout—what the heck is going on with the cone?
Scout: Well, as you know, I had my ovario-hysterectomy on Friday. I was all groggy afterward, and my crate was smeared with feces! It was a terrible day!
Me: I know it was! The drive home was maddening! Poopy crate on my lap. You falling around inside the crate. Rush hour traffic! Harper yelling that she had to use the restroom so we had to pull over at Home Depot!
Scout: It was like that Chevy Chase Vacation movie, but without John Candy!
Me: Kind of! So, tell us about the day after your surgery!
Scout: Well, I remained groggy. And I couldn’t walk without getting all jerky and falling down. And I kept licking myself. And I didn’t pee for 24 hours.
Me: So we took you to the Emergency Vet Clinic where they decided that you were having a slight reaction to the sutures, and that your incision site was inflamed. Then what happened?!
Scout: They gave me a really painful shot, a bottle of NSAID chewies, and they sent me home with a cone around my head! Then what happened?!
Me: You slept through the night and acted like your old self this morning—but then we noticed that you were peeing every fifteen minutes and that, erm, it was a bit bloody.
Scout: You just lost fifteen readers!
Me: I know! So, anyway, we went BACK to the Emergency Vet Clinic, where they took a tiny sample and determined that you had elevated white blood cells, protein, and blood in your urine!
Scout: You to the Tee Eye! Have YOU ever had a urinary tract infection?
Me: Yes, I have. They’re TERRIBLE! The burning! The frequency!
Scout: Being a woman is tricky, yo. BUT, at least I can rest easy knowing that the unfixed poodle across the street isn’t going to sneak into the house and get me pregnant!
Me: Don’t even get me started. But, yeah. I get you. Speaking of which, do you have any opinions on the Mirena? Because now that you’re fixed, I’m once again thinking about getting MYSELF fixed, and everybody’s all, “Mirena! Say it loud and there’s music playing, say it soft and it’s almost like praying!”
Scout: That may be true, but how do you solve a problem like Mirena?!
Scout and Me: Ha. Ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Me: Hey. Have you heard of that thing where people say that dogs and their owners have similar personalities, and that they eventually start to look alike?
Scout: I say it’s spinach, and I say the hell with it, E.B. White!
Me: Okay then. You’re probably right.