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Nothing is impossible, Daisy Fuentes.

December 12th, 2011 · 14 Comments · Cucumbers aren't always cool., Daily

Last Monday I received an e-mail from our pastor asking if I would be interested in participating in our Lessons and Carols Sunday by reading one of the lessons.

Because I tend to flip out with this sort of thing, I quickly called Jeff and asked if HE would like to participate in Lessons and Carols Sunday by reading one of the lessons. He was all over it, as he tends to be.

After I replied to the original e-mail with some sort of strange dance in which I committed Jeff or myself to do one of the readings, I received the following response:

“Thanks, Angie – we are grateful for another woman reader! Here are the TWO readings we would love for you to share with the congregation. They are printed in the bulletin. See you on Sunday.”

WOMAN reader. Yep. That would be me and not Jeff. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” Deep breath.

TWO readings. Yes! I can once again feel my heart beating in my eyeballs!

Wait. Remember this?

Jeepers Creepers!

Those are my eyeballs! (Can you tell that I was thinking about J-Lo when this photo was taken? I’m just kidding!!!) I love that the MRI tech gave me a CD of my brain scan. It just might come in handy at a time like this, when we’re having terrible luck scoring a decent Christmas card shot.

Evidence:

Three

Why is Scout the only one smiling?

Anyway. Back to church.

I opened up the attachment and found that my very first reading contained the question, “How can this be, since I am a VIRGIN?” (The all-cap effect is mine, by the way.) I immediately took my terror to Facebook, where one friend suggested that I wear a cone bra. Another recommended that I read the virgin line while “employing an arched eyebrow and Dr. Evil pinky at the corner of your mouth.” A third simply said, “Wear lace gloves. You’ll be fine.”

Because I know myself better than I know anyone else, I immediately recognized the need for Self-Confidence Virgin Gear. To Kohl’s I went (I know.), where I eventually found myself in a dressing room with no less than five shirts, two dresses, two pairs of pants, and a skirt. I tried on the first outfit, looked into the mirror, and asked, “How can this BE, since I am a virgin?” Second outfit. “How can THIS be, since I am a virgin?” (Please know that no one else was in the dressing room.) Third outfit. “HOW can this BE, since *I* am a VIRGIN?!” Score.

Black Daisy Fuentes pants. (Daisy is NOT a virgin.)

Apt. 9 Red Pleated Chiffon Tank. (Because it’s Christmas.)

Black Apt. 9 Shrug. (To hide the dingle dangling of my upper arms.)

Dansko Midoris. (Because I tend to not fall down when I wear them.)

Let’s pick up the speed here, shall we? After being The Crabbiest Mom in the Universe yesterday morning, we arrived to church on time. I did both of my readings without falling down or giggling, and afterwards an elderly woman with a walker told me that she is rarely able to hear the speakers on Sunday mornings, but she could hear me. My first thought? “Oh, man. I must have SCREAMED about the virgin.” My second thought? I did Just Fine, Eleanor.

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14 responses so far ↓

  • 1 janet // Dec 12, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Way to go! You did fine. And did it looking great!

    Happy Holidays to you and yours.

    Janet

  • 2 Effie // Dec 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I’m impressed–not only that you got up and did itlooking fabulous, but that your church has female lesson readers–I’d like that in my church.
    (I think you could have worn some lace gloves, just for fun) :)
    Only 2 weeks less a day til Christmas morning…I’m nowhere near prepared….but excited all the same!

  • 3 Shmoo // Dec 12, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    IIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I can’t believe you posted a link to fabulous shoes that are OUT OF STOCK!!! I’m traumatized!.

    I also would have gone with something out of the maternity section with a BIG ol pillow stuffed in there… yes, I would.

    Way to go on the not giggling part

  • 4 Gail // Dec 12, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Congratulations! I love the outfit too.

  • 5 Lisa // Dec 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Great outfit. Cheers to confidence-boosting ensembles!

    I LOVE the picture. and the fact that Scout is the only one who’s smiling. I’ve gone back to look at that several times today to keep *me* smiling. So, so cute.

  • 6 Just Me // Dec 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    I chose Christmas eve just before the pageant the year I was maybe 7 to ask my pastor’s wife “What’s a virgin?” during the reader’s practice. Wonder why she never liked me.

  • 7 Ani // Dec 13, 2011 at 10:40 am

    LOOOOOLLLL! Ok ok. I am glad you did well! Love the outfit. I laugh because well you bring humor to any situation.

  • 8 Laura // Dec 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Those pastors can be sneaky little devils can’t they? Glad it went well. Those types of things are the stuff of nightmares for me.

    Love the picture. That is the perfect Christmas card photo — guaranteed not to go in the trash on New Year’s Day. Real life photos are my very favorite cards.
    (ps — also love that you are posting on the regular. Gives me something to look forward to after a frazzly day.)

  • 9 Mary // Dec 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    tres cute on the outfit there! (and I have no idea if I said the right thing since I don’t speak French – I meant VERY cute – especially THE SHOES – I love ‘em) Congrats on making it through. I make my students (college) give a little presentation every semester for empathy’s sake since I have to stand in front of them for 3 hours at a stretch and talk, buggers.

  • 10 Cindy // Dec 13, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Santa isn’t even smiling in that picture.

    I used to sing. It’s the only thing I miss about church. There was nothing worse than standing up before the congregation all alone. And there’s no way I could confess virginity.

  • 11 Christy @ cat fur to make kitten britches // Dec 13, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    There’s a reason why fear of public speaking is second only to fear of death, right? That is why I totally get your intrepidation about this. I would have been the Exact. Same. Way. However, I am glad you were able to overcome your anxiety (not sure if I would have…). Your chosen outfit, no doubt, gave you Confidence! Nice choice! Then again…I am totally partial to both Kohl’s, and Dansko…..especially, Dansko. Anyway, your last couple of paragraphs? Totally reminded me of a Seinfeld episode….Glad to hear your *actual* experience went much more smoothly!

  • 12 Alli // Dec 14, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    This post was hilarious! You should have made Jeff read it, that would have been even funnier than the Scout Frisbee Sandwich Fiasco! Great outfit, too!

  • 13 You can call me, 'Sir' // Dec 20, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I expected the update to be that you panicked and ended up just screaming, ‘I AM A VIRGIN’, in a very Will Farrell-like voice before running out of the sanctuary and into the cold light of a midwestern Sunday.

    Alas, no.

  • 14 magpie // Dec 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I want a brain scan, just so I can see MY eyeballs. Cool.