The Good, The Bad, and The Adorable

The Good News: I’ve been working on a new wrap.

Sweet Potato Guernsey Wrap

It will eventually look like this. My goal is to make it look like that before October, because the color seems to lend itself well to pumpkin patches and marching band competitions. (I really miss the faded out Levi’s that somehow ended up in my suitcase after a 1990 drum corps show. They were perfectly frayed and worn out into a lovely shade of sky blue, and they’re exactly what I want to wear with this wrap. Wrap. To me, a wrap is a sandwich. This morning I used the term heavy-handed incorrectly. I need to knit less and read more. I fear that I’m no longer getting smarter.)

The Bad News: Argh. There seems to be a lot of bad news lately. My kids have decided that they no longer want to ride the bus. (I realize that doesn’t necessarily qualify as bad news. Stick with me.) The way they approached this new transportation plan with me was really quite mature and admirable (they’re not feeling very safe on the bus lately), so there was no way I could turn them down. Because I’ll now be dropping them off and picking them up, I’ll be losing a little over an hour of my day. And speaking of time, I’m finding that I’m already a bit over-extended these days. I realize that sounds so silly because I’m a freelancer! I (mostly) set my own schedule! BUT, it appears that I’ve bitten off a bit more than I can chew (Those damned cliches. Rattlesnakes, indeed.) and two of my current projects are proving to be more than I can handle, and I absolutely despise admitting defeat, but isn’t admitting defeat early on better than doing a crappy job and then running out of time? Last week I got all confused and I embarrassed myself by asking ridiculous questions when presented with the final chapter of an ongoing freelance project, and because of that I’ve been doing some hardcore evaluating of Everything That Currently Eats At My Time as well as Everything That Currently Eats At My Brain. This morning we received some horrible news about a friend’s family, and that news picked us up by the necks and slapped our faces and all we could really do was go buy some sponges (I had a coupon) and stare off into the distance and not say anything.

I’m afraid I’m not doing very well at a number of things, and it’s a bit of a concern and I believe I need to step back and think about this and figure out where my mind is. (I went to college with the wife of Black Francis.) One of my biggest fears is that I’ll become mundane and unmarketable. I’m starting to smell both of those things, and it’s bumming me out. Normally when I put on my self-doubting hat (every few years), I start singing songs about quitting Fluid Pudding. I now know better than that. (I also know that avocados all smooshed up and mixed with diced apples equals a delicious lunch. The only thing that makes it MORE delicious is making a wrap out of it. Wrap! Look what I’ve done! Full circle. Closure. And, scene.)

Scout’s birthday was last week. We celebrated by buying her a sweater and allowing the groomer to remove all of the matted fur.

I know.

She’s not happy. She’s also not allowed in the dishwasher. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Taking it to the mattresses… with wood! (It’s not what you think, Gutterhead.)

After four and a half days of NOT being in school, the kids are now back in school. Like Jeff, the girls allow their bodies to shut down on holiday weekends. It’s almost as if they store up the germs and release them the second they step off of the bus onto the edge of a long weekend. I checked the calendar, and Meredith was sick all through the Presidents’ Day weekend last year. This year she and Harper were both sick. Every time Jeff takes a mini-vacation from work, he ends up sprawled out on the bed listening to me yell things like, “You should call work and TELL THEM TO SWITCH THIS FROM VACATION TO SICK BECAUSE THIS IS *NO* VACATION!!!” (I’m a joy to be around when people are ailing.)

Here I sit with a looming deadline, a butter toffee coffee (that’s what I said) in my hand, and an ear bent toward the door so I can listen for the mattress man. About a week ago, Jeff and I spent an hour walking around a large room filled with beds. We lied down. We stood up and walked to the next bed. We suddenly felt the need to lie down again. The other customers in the store were also lying down and standing up and walking a few steps only to become exhausted once more. I started laughing The Laugh of No Sound and singing the opening theme from Koyaanisqatsi as we all napped, arose, took a few steps, and napped again.

(Meredith eventually killed the joy by asking, “What if someone in this room has lice?” With that, our bed hopping came to a screeching halt.)

In the mattress store, I learned that I enjoy sleeping on a firm bed. A VERY firm bed. Jeff learned to appreciate the adage from that old cross-stitch sampler that states, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” We put in our order for an Honorable Firm, and here I sit. Waiting for the delivery. I have a three hour window and a sweet potato in the oven.

Wait a second. I have huge news! Do you remember when we moved into this house (nine years ago) and I said something like, “The house is good, except for the pink carpeting in the family room and hallway. The pink carpeting has to go.” Every six months or so (for the past NINE YEARS) I have harumphed onto the couch and complained that the pink carpeting is so disgusting and I really wish we could DO something about it. (It’s easy for me to sit on the couch and complain about how things need to be done. Don’t get me started.) The pink carpeting has prevented me from inviting people over. The pink carpeting tells me I’m a terrible mother. The pink carpeting does not allow me to lose weight at the rate I desire. The pink carpeting steals socks. The pink carpeting sucks joy. The pink carpeting does not share my political beliefs. The pink carpeting listens to Celine Dion.

For the past nine years (!!!) we have lived not knowing what was under the pink carpeting. We suspected wood, but we also suspected urine or blood stains. (Why else would someone cover wood with pink carpeting?!) On Saturday morning, Jeff went to the hardware store and purchased a few utility knives.

A few minutes later, we saw this:

Beneath the Pink

Wood! AND, it’s not ugly! In fact, it’s lovely! Jeff spent the entire day cutting and ripping and waiting to unveil a huge blood/urine stain, but there was no blood or urine to be found! (If you start your day anticipating an unpleasant discovery of blood/urine and no blood/urine is to be discovered? THAT is a good day. A *crazy* good day! I’m now planning on beginning ALL of my days with the anticipation of unpleasant blood/urine. If it happens, it’s no surprise. If it doesn’t? Hallelujah chorus!)

Wood!

You might look at this floor and think that it needs refinishing or resomethinging. I look at this floor and suddenly the Ugh! of the past nine years has been lifted! No more Celine Dion! The pounds are rolling off! I’m a good mother who provides complete pairs of socks! I’m a bleeding heart liberal with a wooden floor! (Gasp!)

Nothing but happy songs today at The Pudding House.

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Finishing Touches

The parties? They are over. The first graders hated the dreamcatchers, and that was sort of a bummer because the principal dropped by during the craft portion of their party. In other words, the principal got there just in time to see seventeen first graders on the verge of tears during what is supposed to be a happy-faced celebration of love and candy. (I’m just warming them up for the Love Sucks parties they’ll surely attend in college. Those were the greatest. And the worst.)

From what I hear, all but one of the third graders had a great time at their party. The one in question was a puker. Apparently, he had been sick all day, and the ice cream took him over the edge. I’m now done with parties. I’m done with parties! (Picture me doing a really difficult to watch dance with my hands in the air!)

Speaking of the principal (two paragraphs up), because the school reached (and exceeded) their goal for the Jump Rope for Heart event, the principal allowed the students to tape him to the wall.

Taped to the wall...

(I could never ask permission to publish his photo at Fluid Pudding (imagine the awkward explanations: um, it’s a personal website where I talk about our family but I try not to exploit the girls and I never mention the school by name and sometimes I knit or something), so I daisyfied him. It’s much easier that way.)

You’ll be pleased to know (I tend to assume a lot, don’t I?) that Meredith and Harper were the top fundraising students for the American Heart Association. Thank you so much for your donations. (Confession: If you were to divide their total amount in half, it equaled the amount of the second place student. In other words, I went home feeling a bit weird that it wasn’t announced as a three way tie. (Meredith and Harper looked to be the only sibling team.) I didn’t want to appear all manipulative and scheming, SO I made another quick donation. I know. I’m always swimming in guilt and assumptions. It’s part of my charm? Question mark?) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Six elbow lengths of yarn per catcher of dreams…

Tomorrow is the Valentine’s Day party at school. It is my final party as a double head room parent, and for that, I am ecstatic.

The first graders will be playing Tape the Lips on the Teacher. They’ll be eating ice cream cups with sprinkles, drinking something liquid that I’ll figure out in the morning, and making floral wire heart dreamcatchers. An estimation jar full of M&M’s will be available if time permits.

Heart Dreamcatcher

The third graders will be playing cupid by shooting Q-tips through a straw into a bucket. They’ll be eating ice cream cups and popcorn, drinking Hi-C that an awesome mom dropped off this afternoon, and making floral wire heart dreamcatchers. Estimation jar? Of course.

The girls and I are especially proud of their Valentines.

Harp Valentine

Meredith Valentine

(Thank God for Pinterest.)

Let’s see. What else? The doctor found a third stress fracture in my leg last week, so I now have crutches that I’m not using because I suck at them. I’ve been told to stay off of my leg, but I haven’t been in a position where I *can* stay off of my leg. In other words, I’m failing Recovery, but doing a really awesome job eating entirely too many Caramel Hershey Kisses. Because of this, I’m actually going to attend a Weight Watchers meeting on Wednesday. “Enough is enough,” say the red rings around my hips that have formed because all of my waistbands are entirely too tight. Enough is enough.

(I had a bone density test today. I undid my pants and watched my bones appear on my technician’s computer monitor. It was magical. Results? Pending.)

Last night I learned that I would rather sleep ON a mattress than IN a mattress. I’m learning so much about myself.

It’s doing this in our back yard right now.

Snow! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Dirty Old Men, The Fort Lauderdale Edition

My ortho guy (because I have an ortho guy) has office walls bedecked with signed jerseys. Marshall Faulk is on the wall. Wayne Gretzky is on the wall. Even Kris Humphries is on the wall. I might not recognize all of the names on the shadow-boxed jerseys, but I *am* pretty sure that none of them represent slightly overweight housewives in their 40s. (Oh, man. Did you see that? It was not my intention to get all crankypants in Sentence Five. I was going to wait until at LEAST Sentence Eleven.)

This morning I went to see the ortho guy so we could figure out if I still need the boot on my left foot. I signed in at 9:00. My appointment was at 9:15. I was taken back to an examination room at 9:45. The doctor came in at 10:08.

Doctor: So, what’s going on?

Me: Well, I want to mention just a few things before we figure out if I need the boot any longer. First, blah, blah, blah, my insurance won’t cover a bone density test because the code isn’t covered under the correct umbrella.

Doctor: That’s just silly. Blah, blah, blah, this code, this code, or this code.

Me: Excellent. And another thing, I had blood taken to check my Vitamin D levels, and I’m low, so I’m now taking 50,000 units once a week for a month, and then I’ll go to 2,000 units daily until I die. Parentheses I didn’t know if you cared about that or not End Parentheses. Suddenly, rickets isn’t as funny as it was in elementary school.

Doctor: Okay. Let’s get a look at the leg.

Me: Ouch. Quit it. Ouch. Quit it. Ouch. Quit it. And while you’re poking me, I was wondering how my right leg x-ray looked, because I’m starting to get that weird shooting pain over there, and I can’t figure out if it’s because I’m walking crooked with the boot or not.

Doctor: Let me go out and take a look at the x-ray.

At this point, the doctor left the room, closed the door behind him, and was immediately approached by a wild and crazy and loud-talking colleague.

Colleague: Hey! What are you doing the weekend of March 15th?

Doctor (who was supposedly checking my x-rays and checking my x-rays): I don’t know! Why?

Colleague: Because I’m scheduling a mid-life crisis! We’re going down to Fort Lauderdale! I don’t have anything planned yet. Right now we’re just trying to figure out if we’re taking the spouses or not.

Doctor (still checking my x-rays, I presume): Well, I can answer that for you! Not!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!

Colleague: I’m with you, Bro!

They continued to talk (and possibly high five and/or kiss) for nearly ten minutes. And I thought that was funny because at this point the doctor had spent no more than five minutes talking to me and ten minutes talking to and/or making out with his friend. (I really can’t blame him. I would have much rather been chatting it up with one of my friends than touching the leg of someone who had no intention of offering up some rad game tickets and/or an awesome shot at Spring Break infidelity.) I finished a chapter in my book just in time for him to walk back into the room.

Doctor: No fracture in the right leg. I’m concerned about your left knee, though. Keep wearing the boot for two more weeks, and I’m going to send you downstairs for an MRI. If there’s no fracture, we’ll talk about platelet injections in both your ankle and your knee. I’ll call you and schedule it after I look at the MRI.

He then started to leave the room.

Me: Oh! Wait. While we’re talking about scheduling, who do *I* call to schedule *MY* mid-life crisis?

(Yes! I said that! I rarely have such a short lag time between Leaving the Scene and What I Should Have Said, so I went with it!)

Doctor (appearing a bit embarrassed): Ha! Erm. Yeah! Go ahead and schedule that. I hear Europe is nice this time of year!

Me: Actually, I hear DITCHING the SPOUSE and heading to FORT LAUDERDALE is also pretty tempting! Am I RIGHT?!

Doctor: Nervous laughter. Nervous, nervous laughter. I’ll take a look at the MRI and will call you in a few days.

I left the office feeling Parker Poseyesque plus a little humiliated plus a little rushed, because I had less than an hour to grab a Vanity Fair before my MRI.

The Parker Poseyness has worn off. I’m still feeling slightly humiliated (I’m not sure why), but that’s nothing that bean tostadas can’t fix. Also, I mostly recommend the latest Vanity Fair.

Happy Waitangi Day to my friends in New Zealand. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Our Canine Petty Tyrant

Scout, our Yorkshire Terrier/Shih Tzu daughter, was adopted last May when she was approximately ten weeks old. Scout was adorable and tiny—a lot like Joey’s girlfriend in Season Five of Friends—which was exactly what we were looking for in a puppy. (No. I did not KNOW that Joey’s tiny girlfriend was from Season Five. I looked it up. I was a fan, but with a lowercase f.)

Evidence of Scout’s adorable sass:

Eleven weeks old!

A few months after we brought Scout into our house, it occurred to me that the girls were going to return to school soon, and how on earth would I get freelance work done with a cute sassy dog pulling on my shoes? (And my HEART! Because wook at the widdle pahpee!!!)

Anyway. In August, we fell in love with another puppy named Scout, and to avoid confusion we renamed him Henry and paid the fee that enabled us to call him our son/brother.

Henry sleeps.

Henry is a Shih Tzu/Beagle/Brussels Griffon mix. It was estimated that he would top out at twenty pounds, and that was on the edge of Too Big, as we live in a teeny tiny house. (I sometimes have to walk outside just to change my mind! HA HA HA! I’m mostly kidding!) BUT, who could say no to that sweet little face? Not me!!!

Although the first few weeks were spent biting and growling and figuring out who was going to be the boss, it didn’t take long for Scout to realize that she loves her brother.

Scout's so happy to have a brother!

AND, here we are. Five months later. Scout is now weighing in at a whopping eighteen pounds, and Henry (who I assume is still growing?) weighs 38 pounds! 38 pounds! (Our chat style with Henry has gone from “Who’s a sweet little boy?” to “Henry! Who’s a big boy?! YOU are a BIG BOY!!!”)

Henry has been sleeping in the same crate since the day we got him. It’s entirely too small. Sure, he can duck down and go inside and (barely, just barely) turn around, but I’ve noticed that the nights are growing shorter because he gets uncomfortable all folded up. Also, he spends a LOT of time stretching out when he exits the crate in the morning.

This is becoming a long story, which really wasn’t my intention. Yesterday I was all, “Let me bring you down by singing a song about cancer.” Today? My dogs! Let me tell you about my dogs and what size they are! Oh! It gets better! My kids are participating in the American Heart Association’s Jump Rope For Heart Program. If you want to donate to their personal page, you can go here! They will love you for it! (They tend to not get excited about fundraisers. This one is different. They love this one.)

Back to my story, and let’s pick up the pace! Last week I found a big dog crate online! Free shipping! Thirty dollars off the manufacturer’s suggested retail price! I ordered it for Henry, and it arrived today!

As you can see, Henry was VERY excited about the new crate!

New Digs!

He went in. He came out. He went in again. He came out again. Scout sensed Henry’s excitement and decided to get in on it.

Not your house.

Henry politely asked Scout to cease and desist.

So she killed him.

Defending the House

Seriously. Look at her face!

Shock and Awe

Jeff’s boss once referred to a particular work situation as a goat rodeo.
I want to have “Goat Rodeo” stenciled on our family room wall. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>