Me: Okay. The music is getting louder. It’s time for us to have a conversation.
My sister: What is it?
Me: If everyone around us starts to dance, are you going to join them?
My sister: No. I’m not.
Me: Good. Because me neither. Do you see that lady over there? Have you ever done that before and actually meant it?
My sister: You mean raising the roof?!
Me: Yes. Raising the roof.
My sister: No.
Me: Good. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I danced with abandon.
My sister: Who is Amanda?
Me: I don’t know anyone named Amanda!
My sister: Is that why you can’t remember dancing with her?!
Me: I’ve never danced with Amanda! IT’S GETTING SO LOUD WE CAN’T EVEN HEAR EACH OTHER! WHAT IF WE GET SEPARATED?! SHOULD WE COME UP WITH A SAFE WORD?!
My sister: I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO STICK ANYTHING INTO YOUR BUTT!!!
This morning I found myself at my annual gynecologist appointment. (I know! Nice segue with the butt thing, right? Kind of!) Because I let the cat out of the bag regarding the fact that I tend to cycle (heh) for two to three weeks at a time, she decided to take a uterine biopsy.
Me: Do I have to come back for that?
My doctor: Nope. It’s quick. I’ll just do it before I do your pap smear.
Me: Cool beans.
(My slang tends to reach back into the 80s when I’m at the gynecologist. (I spent a lot of time in stirrups back then, too.) Pants. Stirrup pants! HA HA HA!!! I also wore a lot of brooches and fake pearls, Molly Ringwald.)
My doctor, slightly opening the exam room door: Nancy? Can I get a little help in here?
Me: Wait. Why Nancy? Is this going to hurt?
My doctor: You’ll probably feel a little bit of “WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?” but by the time you get to THERE, I’ll be done.
Me: What the–
My doctor: When I count to three, I want you to give me a cough. One, two…
Me: COUGH COUGH COUGH WHATAREYOUDOINGDOWNTHERE COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!!!
My doctor: All done. You’ll probably be cramping and bleeding for the rest of the day.
And I am, and I am.
Psst! My Acer now has an arm! I just might have a new sweater to wear to marching band competitions! (See how I left us on a happy note? Fluid Pudding is a roller coaster!)
(This is how it works: Pandemonium is spelled with an E. Amanda Plan A Canal is heavy on the A, so I went with Pandamonium. Do not look up the definition in Urban Dictionary. If you DO look it up, please know that all of my Bundt pans are being used in the way that they were originally intended. Yeesh.)