Month: June 2013

So, I just made a fake chicken wrap that’s holding fake chicken, lettuce, avocado, tomatoes, corn, and red onions, and I’ve been stewing on something all morning. I’m sitting the wrap down to talk to you, so this must be important because did you read what I wrapped?! Delicious! The thing I’ve been stewing on sounds like this: It’s almost time for me to find a job. One that makes me get dressed and drive somewhere.

The idea of working outside of the home sort of terrifies me for many reasons. (Terror is a strong emotion, hence the Sort Of. I tend to avoid strong emotions when I can.)

First off? People. I’m not very good with people. I get crazy nervous when there are more than four adults in the room, and I’m not sure many businesses would be all, “Okay. We’ve got a new hire who can’t do more than four adults. Let’s meet in shifts.” More than four adults? I’m staring at a notebook, drawing stick people, craving doughnuts, and simply not paying much attention—especially if people are talking about numbers or using words like Sales Projection or Marketing Estimation Spreadsheet. (It was really hard for me to type those words without falling asleep.)

Secondly? Migraines. I still get them every month. Sometimes I can control them with my cocktail pills and a cold washcloth, but sometimes I have to take what I call Monster Pills, and those make me loopy and dizzy and I need to lie down for a few hours. You can’t just do that at work without being That Lady Who Is Always Sleeping. (No one wants to pay the sleeping lady. I know this is true. It has to be.)

Another thing? The kids. I want to be able to be here when they’re here. If they’re sick, I don’t want to have to juggle. I want to be home. I want to be able to take them to piano and take them to doctor appointments and I don’t want that to be A Thing. I want it to be smooth. Meredith is getting ready to start middle school, and I don’t want to be the stressed out lady who gets home after five and never has time to talk. I don’t like that lady.

Let me just take a break right here to say this: I know I’m whining. I KNOW IT! I actually just requested a book from the library that will help me be a better person, so let’s focus on my blue-skied aspirations instead of my exhausting inability to SUCK IT UP.

The freelance gig has served me fairly well over the past dozen years (I come and go and am here to do laundry and make dinner and shuffle kids and take pills!), but it’s getting a bit harder to find enough work to pay bills. (Please know that we’re not struggling to pay bills. This has nothing to do with that.)

Finally? Because I haven’t worked an office job in a dozen years, I’m terrified (Not sort of. It’s the real thing this time.) that I’ve become unmarketable. I’m a 43-year-old freelance developmental editor, and I can’t really describe what I do because it’s often a clever combination of mish and mash. This means I’m probably destined to go retail, but because I have no idea how to get Netflix to work on our television, I also have zero confidence when it comes to running a credit card.

To quote Lloyd Dobler (because who wouldn’t?): I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

It’s time to start brainstorming and making dream boards (???) (!!!) and figuring out what color my parachute is or who moved my cheese or something (or other) and I need to eat this wrap because can you smell that? It doesn’t get much better. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Has it really been almost two weeks?

Let’s see. I baked a bunch of strawberry bread, and I’m scheduled to bake even more tomorrow morning.

I had never eaten strawberry bread before last week, and it’s pinching me in the exact spot where zucchini bread currently pinches. (It’s a good pinch.)

I made a strandy scarf. The man who runs the salon where my hair is cut went to Argentina a while back, and he said that this type of scarf was HUGE there. SO, I put one together and might actually sell them at the salon. (Mass production of anything sort of freaks me out, so we’ll see what happens.)

(Disclaimer: I actually look svelte in that photo, which has everything to do with trick photography. I have so many secrets. You should buy me a martini sometime. )

Last Thursday, Tempe and I packed up the car and headed to Grayslake, Illinois for the Midwest Fiber and Folk Art Fair. If you can ignore the fact that my non-smoking hotel room had been smoked in and the fitted sheet was covered with HAIR, we had an amazing time. (I was able to change to a clean air no hair room, and the hotel “reimbursed” me with the gift of my choice: a $10 gift card to an AMC theater or a Snickers candy bar. I went with the card, but found myself awake with a hungry stomach at around 1:00. Why can’t I ever do anything right?!) Bonus information: I ate my first pierogies in Grayslake. They were vegetarian and filled with saurkraut and stop turning up your nose. Also, if you live anywhere near a Portillo’s, please get in there and eat a grilled veggie sandwich. Because you will love it. Because I love it and we’re more alike than different.

Anyway, while at Fiber and Folk, I purchased a ridiculous amount of beautiful roving.

Upon returning to St. Louis, I immediately assembled my wheel and spun up some worsted weight.

Yesterday evening I took that worsted weight and started knitting a cowl.

It sounds like things are the peachiest, doesn’t it?
It’s all part of my formula: Only share 17%. The GOOD 17%.

Vague mutterings regarding the other 83%: Yesterday I spoke with a professional regarding my terrible anxiety when it comes to swimming pools and rivers and lakes and oceans. It was all off the record (i.e., no one was getting paid), and I was made to feel sort of sane because I’m NOT afraid of taking a shower. So there’s that! It’s Tuesday!

The only things written on the calendar for today: Heartworm pills, Migraine pills, Cucumber, Water. Three of the four have been taken care of, and as soon as the dishwasher finishes the Sanitize cycle, I’ll be removing my favorite cup and drinking water. I will drink more water in approximately two hours, and will continue to drink water until it’s time to hit the rack. Water! Drinking it!

We are back from Florida, and instead of singing long American Pie-esque songs about how great it was, I’ll give you the bullet list of superlatives.

Best Meal: The Anything Grows sandwich from The Bubble Room. I would link to the restaurant’s website, but as soon as you go there, terrible music begins to loop and blare and you probably hate that just as much as I do, because: Who doesn’t? Anyway, the Anything Grows holds fresh avocado, basil-garlic marinated mushrooms, tomato, cucumber, lettuce, red onion, Swiss cheese if you want it, and cucumber sauce on a grilled homemade bun. Also, a slice of cake at The Bubble Room is larger than a human skull.

Best Purchase: We didn’t purchase many things during the trip, but after suffering from ridiculous bug bites for the first four days, I finally did a bit of research and bought a bottle of No No-See-Um Spray. I spent the remainder of our trip smelling like a big floppy citronella candle, but it was worth it. Only the strongest of the tiny lint-shaped bugs were able to brave my lemony smell, meaning the bites were reduced by nearly 80%. Bonus Information: My head and neck are STILL all scabby and gross, so although I NEED a haircut, it’s going to be a few days before I feel like I can make that call.

First Runner-Up in the Best Purchase Category: Meredith’s t-shirt.

Most Annoying People in Florida: The people who sat next to us at Cheeburger Cheeburger (where I ate a pretty incredible Portobello Patty Melt) who were reeking of cigarettes and complaining about their “shithole of a Ramada” hotel that “can’t call itself a 4-star hotel if it’s built on a cobblestone street.” I’m all for cursing while around like-minded friends. (I’m very good at strategic F word placement!) HOWEVER, I also vote for filters and class when in the presence of strangers and children (and strange children).

My Favorite Person in Florida: The woman who gave the sea turtle lecture at CROW. She held all of our attention (Did you know that sea turtles have magnetic crystals in their heads that help them return to the exact site where they were born to eventually build their own nests?), and the more she talked about turtles you could see how much she loves turtles and then she actually started LOOKING like a turtle to me. (Sometimes when I look in the mirror for too long, I start looking like Jeff Goldblum.) It was because of her lecture that Jeff (not Goldblum, but my husband Jeff) spent a very rainy morning frantically trying to save the sea turtle nest that had been flooded by the storms. (He’s a gem, that one.)

My Most Conflicted Moment During Vacation: Some of you are thinking SHE ATE FRESH SEAFOOD! No. I did NOT eat fresh seafood. (Nor did I eat stale seafood.) Although I loved being able to talk to the birds who live in huge cages outside of the grocery store in Sanibel, I sort of hated seeing big birds in cages day after day. (We tend to visit the grocery store day after day. For example, yesterday I went to the grocery store. This morning I went to the grocery store. I need to go back tomorrow.) It’s fun to say hello to a bird and hear it say hello back. But then you (meaning I) start saying things like, “What I want is for you to be able to experience life the way it was meant to be. You are a bird who has done nothing wrong to deserve being in prison where your only toys are made of plastic and the nearest like-minded soul is twenty feet away IN ANOTHER CAGE!” and the bird responds by staring into the parking lot. And then it says, “Hello!” and I begin to weep until my mascara creates lines from my astigmatic eyes to my quivering chin.

And what is a blog post if it doesn’t hold photos? Still a blog post, I suppose, but don’t you need (unedited) PROOF that we were on vacation?

The beach was right outside of our condo door, so we often went shelling in our pajamas, which is much different than going to the grocery store in our pajamas, which is something we never do.

One of the three sea turtle nests on our beach.

The voice of the sea is seductive, never ceasing, whispering, clamoring, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander in abysses of solitude.
-Kate Chopin, “The Awakening”

(I will never pass up the opportunity to share quotes from The Awakening. It’s one of the few books that changed my wiring.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Because Tropical Storm Andrea has forced us to stay indoors and because I’ve already eaten too much Blueberry Morning cereal and drank a bunch of coffee and killed off some Oreos and read for a bit and stared out the window at the rain, there’s really nothing else to do but play (another) game of UNO, or check in with you! Greetings from Sanibel Island where despite the fact that it has rained every single day since we’ve arrived, we’re still making the most of it. (I am Very Good at UNO.)

I recently read David Sedaris’s latest book, and I had to laugh when he mentioned that people tend to get bored with stories of other people’s travel woes. Long Story Shortened: Our flight from St. Louis to Florida last Friday was delayed a total of sixteen times before it was finally canceled. Sometime between the fourteenth and sixteenth delay, the terminal was evacuated and we were forced to hole up in a family restroom with a few strangers to wait out a tornado that supposedly hit the airport at some point during the evening. While in the bathroom, Harper chugged a Sprite, and Meredith frantically journaled the adventure.

Because all direct flights on Saturday were booked, we decided to fly into Ft. Lauderdale and then drive to Sanibel. We arrived at the condo at 11:00 on Saturday night, and here we are.

We’ve had a pretty amazing week with sea turtle lectures and incredible veggie sandwiches and we’re currently under a tornado warning and the sea turtle nest next to our condo has been destroyed by the tide and I know I’m sort of all over the place with the happy and the sad, so let me just continue with that. (I just ate a bowl of Doritos! Let the party begin!) On Tuesday afternoon, we took a dolphin and wildlife cruise, and despite the captain’s announcement that “We’re off to hunt dolphins!” we had an amazing time.

(I’ve never been around dolphins before. It was squealworthy. We could learn a lot from dolphins, because despite the fact that they might be really pissed off, they always seem happy!)

One more thing before I try to convince the girls that we’re not going to be sucked up into a tornado: Fuzzbee Yarns is holding a contest on Ravelry, and the winner will score a braid of fiber. To enter, you submit a photo of something that shows colors you would like to see in a braid of fiber. I submitted the Puppy Yin-Yang photo, and I won the first round of votes. BUT, now there is a poll. And I’m LOSING! In order to win a braid of fiber dyed to look like our foster pups, I need to win that poll. (I’m feeling very long-winded and semi-whiny today. I apologize.) If you have a Ravelry account, please consider following this link and voting for whichever photo you want, but please know that I’m offering up virtual hugs and high-fives if you vote for Yin Yang Puppies. Because I would really like to spin up the fiber and knit a hat to remind our family of our first fostering adventure. (We keep our winter hats in one big shared basket. First come, first served.)

Enjoy your Thursday, and thank you for your patience. You’re just like a dolphin, you know. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>