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Biology is Destiny

September 22nd, 2015 · 9 Comments · Daily

After struggling with crappy sleep for more than a year I’ve finally decided to brand myself as someone who no longer sleeps. I know they say that practice makes perfect and if I started practicing now, I could probably play Rhapsody in Blue on the clarinet in about a decade or so. I also know that I could trade in all of my shoes for skates, yet I will NEVER skate as well as Dorothy Hamill. I will die having never done a back flip. It’s time to just roll with every single punch and So Be It. I no longer sleep.

(My mother just got a CPAP machine and she’s sleeping like a baby (one of the babies who sleep) for the first time in years and Confession: I’m a wee bit jealous.)

At 1:58 in the morning, I found myself in the bathroom looking in the mirror and clicking my teeth to the Soul Asylum songs in my head. Less than ten minutes ago, I accidentally hit myself in the face with a seven pound bag of apples, and that bag of apples had no business being above hip level because I was simply trying to move them from one countertop to another.

Do you remember my new doctor? The one I love? (I really don’t expect you to remember anything you read over here.) I saw her yesterday, and: 1. She gave me exercises for my shoulders. 2. She told me to get regular massages. 3. She recommended physical therapy for my shoulders and neck. 4. She recommended Botox injections to deaden my shoulder muscles. 5. She doubled my Celexa in an attempt to lessen my shoulder tension. 6. She noted my “profoundly low” B12 level and will be giving me a shot tomorrow. (My mother has been getting B12 shots for a dozen years. She’s also a knitter and has very short hair.)

While I sit over here in the corner thinking about a Gehenna tattoo, please know that the girls have been showcasing Jeff’s DNA. This evening we’ll be attending Meredith’s National Junior Honor Society induction. Last week Harper told us that not only did she make it into student council, but she is now the PRESIDENT of student council. I will rest (un)easy knowing that as I high five Edgar Allen Poe for describing sleep as “slices of death”, 75% of my family is Lake Wobegon-ing.

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9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Dooley // Sep 22, 2015 at 11:11 am

    As someone who is fighting sleep issues, I wonder if anyone else like me dislikes being told how they fixed it. I assume, always, that the advice comes from a good place.

    Here’s my good place, regarding the brain side, not so much the physical. I’ve never been someone who spent time thinking about Wayne Dyer’s thoughts. But when he died, I saw a picture of him on the side of his bed, and he had a (pretty ugly) sign hanging from the bedpost that read something like “Tomorrow is going to be a good day.” I say it every night and like it.

  • 2 Marianne // Sep 22, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Oh my goodness. Last year a 2 month bout of insomnia nearly drove me around the bend and I became a crazy, hostile, weepy zombie. I can’t imagine how you’ve coped.

    It seems that being in a headspace of “I am a person who doesn’t sleep” would be really helpful. Instead of worrying about not sleeping, you have the freedom to not sleep and do whatever else you want (knitting and reading novels comes to mind as things I would do).

    Please do not assault yourself with apples.

  • 3 Brinski // Sep 22, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    I don’t mean to poke the sleep-deprived momma-bear but, did you mean to call it a “Gehenna tattoo”? If not, that’s a seriously dark Freudian slip.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gehenna

    I don’t know if there is a single thing I could do to help, but if I could, I would. Prayers for you, my friend.

  • 4 heidi // Sep 22, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    As someone who gets B12 shots every other week, I just want to tell you that it makes things so much better. For me at least. I hope you have the same experience.

  • 5 Kim L // Sep 22, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    I started wearing a C-Pap about a year after my mom. It helps with my teeth grinding, muscle tension, headaches and I no longer wake up feeling like am undercaffinated zombie!

  • 6 kmkat // Sep 24, 2015 at 11:03 am

    PT has recently enabled me to walk more than a minute or two — kind of a miracle, really. My husband’s CPAP machine has improved his sleep 100%. I will not presume to tell you what to do, but I hope that life gives you some sweet lemonade.

  • 7 pharmgirl // Sep 27, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    Have you ever done a sleep study?

  • 8 Julia // Sep 27, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    I hope you look into the chiropractor for the massages. Around here no adjustments or screening necessary. Just copays for some darn good massages.

  • 9 G.Hobo // Sep 28, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    It’s kinda weird, but some ASMR stuff puts me right to sleep (lotsa good stuff (and some creepy) on the youtubes).