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Last Day of School Thank God

May 17th, 2018 · 5 Comments · Daily

I love getting up super early and drinking coffee on the couch, and that’s the ONLY reason why I might tune in for the royal wedding on Saturday. (Also, by the time Charlotte or the other kids get married, I’ll be too busy dealing with my own problems.)

Today is the last day of school and without going into detail, let me just say: Dear God, please let the next four or so hours go by smoothly and quickly with no blood, sweat, or tears coming from “that’s not so normal” places.

This year has not been without ruffled feathers.

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(When it’s stormy, Henry wears a shirt. When Henry wears a shirt, I see him as a little boy dressed up like a dog when I should probably see him as a dog dressed up like a little boy. #Laurel)

Somewhere between three and five times each day I picture myself doing something that wouldn’t be acceptable to most.

Examples:

1. If a person with a clipboard stops me at the library and asks me to sign a petition, I let them spiel their spiel and then I sign or I don’t sign. BUT, in my mind I’m ripping the clipboard out of their hand and tossing it like a frisbee into the street.

2. If I’m eating at a fairly nice restaurant where everyone is quiet and polite, I picture myself going on a rampage and turning tables over while screaming the lyrics to “A Kiss to Build a Dream On.”

3. Every time I pass an animal who is dead because they were hit by a car, I picture myself pulling over and holding the animal in my lap for a bit. I tell the animal a few stories about how much they were loved, and then I give them a proper burial.

I watched the video of the woman defecating on the floor of Tim Hortons, and I wondered if she had spent time in the past picturing herself doing a floor defecation. I then felt a little afraid because I’m getting older and am starting to drop more filters. (In other words, I made the floor dump all about me.)

Example of a filter drop:

Last night I heard this song and I’m not even going to pretend that I didn’t like it.

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5 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Nancy R // May 17, 2018 at 2:48 pm

    Have you seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? I am daydreaming Walter.

    I like Sober Up too; it’s catchy.

  • 2 Meagan // May 17, 2018 at 8:45 pm

    I thought it was just me! I think about running down the aisle in the grocery store with my arms out, clotheslining every single thing off the shelves. I imagine scooping up dogs that belong to other people and just running away with them (hi, you’re my new baby! I’m gonna call you Flippy).

    I used to think about yelling at people who litter but now I just do it. It’s not even a conscious choice, it just happens on its own. But I fantasize about making them eat their litter (usually a wrapper, or a cigarette butt) to really drive the lesson home. I don’t actually try to DO that…yet. Who knows what my old age holds.

  • 3 Mary K. in Rockport // May 18, 2018 at 6:27 am

    I like that video, too.
    So, my fantasy used to be standing up in (Catholic) church and arguing with the priest during his sermon. When the impulse became very strong, I stopped going to church.
    Finally, have you heard about the new, very effective migraine medication? It was in all the papers yesterday. Supposed to be side-effect free but expensive.

  • 4 RzDrms // May 18, 2018 at 6:55 am

    #Laurel (no other option there)

    #BlueAndBlack (no other option there, either)

  • 5 Pharmgirl // May 19, 2018 at 1:29 pm

    I say a prayer for road kill that their next life ends better.

    Because, I think someone should. And I have no idea if the next person got the same memo that I did.

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