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Loopy Ewe Wish List!

Don't let the smell fool you.

Every once in a while I have a really crappy day with the kids. It's my fault as much as theirs, and I suppose it's healthy to recognize that, but nevertheless, it sort of sucks when I completely lose my cool around them.

Take yesterday.

Harper was watching Wiggles videos on the computer. Meredith was watching Arthur on the television. (I know, and I KNOW!)

Me: Okay. Let's turn off the television and the computer and play with our toys.

MC and Harper: No. No! NO!

They immediately started to cry, and the sobs turned into screams when I turned off both the television and the computer.

Me: Can you tell me why you're screaming?

MC: Because I want to watch TV!

Me (this is where it starts to get ugly): No! You're screaming because you have no idea HOW to play with your toys. Because you never PLAY with your toys. We have a whole HOUSE full of toys, and they just sit there while you stare at the television set. AND, do you know what television does to you?

MC: No!

Me (it's starting to get even uglier): It makes you dumb! It makes you dumb because it makes you stop using your brain! And the more television you watch, the more your hands stop working. Your hands stop making stuff! They stop putting puzzles together. They have no idea how to function, because they're just sitting in your lap while you stare at the television. Eventually, they shrivel!!!

MC: Meredith wants to watch TV!!!

(Don't even get me started on the third person thing.)

Me (in raging full on untamed shrew mode): Do you see this Dora kitchen?! When was the last time you played with it?!

MC: I don't know.

Me: I'll tell you. It was Christmas Day! When Santa brought it to you! Well, it looks like Santa wasted his money on this toy, because I'm going to throw it away.

I continued to rant while I "threw away" the Dora Kitchen, the Ariel Salon, and a cash register. And I felt really witless as I carried those heavy toys out to the garage, but my adrenaline was bubbling out of my eyeballs, and I could not be stopped. And what makes the whole thing even more absurd is the fact that my sister recently gave me The Ultimate Diet, so as I stomped and flew around the house, those standing downwind of the sound and the fury were greeted with the deliciously sweet scent of cinnamon rolls. Essentially, I was a 100 pound (give or take quite a few pounds) red hot and rabid Godzilla-esque toy-launching Cinnabon.

Posted by: fluidpudding on 3/30/2007 9:51:10 AM , 46 comments

Submitted by liz at 3/30/2007 7:45:25 AM

Ouch! I hope Jeff brought home a vat of alcoholic substances to ease your pain. Don't you love it when you threaten something and your kid just stares back and says, "Fine." Kills me every time.

Submitted by schmutzie at 3/30/2007 7:50:08 AM

You just reminded me of the time when I was five when I found my mother praying by the stove, asking God why, why, why she was a mother and why, why, why her children would not eat the same sandwiches they ate yesterday. Poor woman. She's much better now.

Submitted by Amy K. at 3/30/2007 8:01:12 AM

I was hoping the Ultimate Diet would be Dr Nietzsche's Fat Is Dead. "Shamelessly, shamelessly eat the triple chocolate bar!"

Submitted by barbara at 3/30/2007 8:03:10 AM

I had a day like that with my kids yesterday too, so I know how you feel when you say you "could not be stopped." :-( Afterwards the kids pretty much forgot about it, while I felt completely bad-mother-ish and stupid. Here's to a better day today!

Submitted by Stacie at 3/30/2007 8:06:25 AM

Oh man "I feel your pain". I threatened the same thing not too long ago, to throw away the toys. My 3 year old daughter looked at me with disdain. My 6 year old son cried and told me to pack them away for when he grows up and has children. Yeah...
And "red hot and rabid Godzilla-esque toy-launching Cinnabon"??? I laughed coffee out of my nose!

Submitted by elsimom at 3/30/2007 8:11:35 AM

Why, why, why do we do things like that?! It's like an out of body experience. I hear myself saying something like that and then I know I'm going to have to do it, even though I don't really want to - but you know, the whole "follow through" thing . . .and my brain is going "Why did you say that, you don't really want to do that - well, maybe a little).

I have SO been there.
I love Cinnabon - I need to check out this diet.
P.S. The dump truck - are you kidding me?!! I just about snerked my diet coke on that one. That kid has got your goat.

Submitted by chris at 3/30/2007 8:14:55 AM

I am laughing with you. WITH you...

Submitted by Robin at 3/30/2007 8:38:08 AM

Wanna borrow my truck?

Funny - we both posted about our kids and TV. The TV thing makes me nuts. I get frustrated that she wants to watch so much, and then I blame myself for introducing her to it.

I smell like rosey powder from Lush when I go on my parenting rampages.

Submitted by suse at 3/30/2007 8:38:13 AM

I like the dump truck thing.

When my brother and I were small, he drew a picture at school entitled 'This is my Daddy driving his truck." My mother laughed hysterically. Dad worked in advertising and had a penchant for silk cravats and paisley bowties.

(You're pretty too).

Submitted by You can call me, 'Sir' at 3/30/2007 8:54:04 AM

You look delicious, by the way.

Although washing that icing out of hair is probably going to suck.

Submitted by alice at 3/30/2007 8:59:52 AM

Alice loves you so much.

Submitted by Mymsie at 3/30/2007 9:09:23 AM

Hee hee - funny post and FANTASTIC of you to be so honest about the not-so-fun moments of parenting. I don't have kids yet but I always think it's so great when women are forthright about things of this nature.

Submitted by owenora at 3/30/2007 9:20:20 AM

Oh my god, if I had a nickel for everytime I did something like this -- well, I'd have a lot of nickels. And the funny part is the whole time you're doing it, you know you're acting like an asshole! But you can't stop!

One of my "gold medal" parenting moments came when my son was putting his feet on the bedroom wall, and I started in yelling, "Your father worked so hard to paint these walls, and you don't even appreciate the work he does, blah, blah, blah." He was 2. Ah, yes, mother of the year. We've all been there. Liquor and a sense of humor ease the shame.

Submitted by Amy in KC at 3/30/2007 9:45:57 AM

My fifteen-month-old sons are in the middle of sprouting molars. We are none of us getting enough sleep. So after a very long day at work, when I am trying to be all Mommy Mode and one of them screams and throws a toy at my forehead and I get up and leave the room, well, I'm doing us all a favor.

At least they don't understand the curse words coming out of my mouth from the next room. Yet.

Cinnamon rolls make everything better. Hope you had a latte to go with them :o)

Submitted by dreama at 3/30/2007 9:50:57 AM

Don't sweat it. You're just giving your girls good "My mom's crazier than your mom" conversation material for when they're older.

My best friend tells a great story of when her mom lost it on Thanksgiving Day and launched the freshly baked turkey out the front door.

Hang in there. It's a new day. (a new day which is beginning with my daughter watching soul-sucking Sesame Street)

Submitted by Lisa V at 3/30/2007 10:07:19 AM

I tell my kids that watching so much tv makes their brains leak out their ears and onto their shirts. I then explain that I am really tired of using so much stain remover to get the brain off their shirts, and they should quit watching so much tv. They generally ask me to move at that point, because I am blocking their view of "The Suite Life with Zack and Cody."

I've taken away the toys before in a "you never clean your room" screaming frenzy. Once I even took some of them to the thrift store. Some of those donated toys included a stuffed Barney. My daughter rarely played with it and I was constantly picking it up. That night my then 4 year old child asked to sleep with Barney, who was now peacefully slumbering in a bin at St. Vincent's. I gave her something else, and figured she would forget.

Last night she still asked for Barney before she went to bed. She is 15.

She knows how to work the guilt.

Submitted by Trena at 3/30/2007 10:22:07 AM

Oh too funny (yes, I am fully aware that by saying that I am totally asking for karma to just rain it down in about 4 months when my little guy turns 1). Even though I've yet to have the full-on meltdown with my little boy, I am SO guilty of doing something similar when my husband has just thoroughly pushed all my buttons. Glad to know I'm in good company.

Submitted by Marcia at 3/30/2007 10:32:13 AM

the fact that MC thinks that Jeff could possibly bring a dump truck home from work seriously cracks me up. And also you, stamping, knowing you weren't really accomplishing anything, bringing the toys to the garage.

Even if it was a bad parenting day, it was a good blog-story day.

Submitted by Jerri Ann at 3/30/2007 10:38:45 AM

Sometimes, life just comes at you like that. My kids won't watch much tv and I beg them to so I can get a few things done on occasion but NOOOOOOO, they want to play. Play = disrupt, disturb, make messes.

Honestly, I don't know what it would be like to have the other problem so I'm no one to judge, I think that you probably regulate it well when you are at the top of your game. And, when you aren't on the top of your game, what does it hurt to let them do the tv thing while you recover.....or let off some steam if you need to.

Submitted by Daisy at 3/30/2007 10:43:42 AM

Man, I cannot even tell you how many times that very scene has been played out at my house.

Submitted by blackbird at 3/30/2007 10:49:04 AM

Blackbird thinks The Ultimate Diet sounds kind of disgusting and, obviously, drove you OVER THE EDGE.

Submitted by kerflop at 3/30/2007 11:03:02 AM

My kids watch TV, play computer games, and snort cocaine all day long. Is that bad?

Okay, no really - when I find I have those bursts of good mommyness coming out, where I want to throw the Nintendo into the garbage disposal, I give them a 5 minute warning. Okay! In five minutes, we're turning off the tv/computer/whatever and going outside! Then I remind them when there are only 2 minutes left. It seems to help with the electronic withdrawls.

Submitted by OMSH at 3/30/2007 3:23:06 PM

We do videos, computer games, and the WORST ... keyboard (which sounds all academic ... but it is more like the worst rendition of any musical sound ...EVER).

And? Sometimes when they are doing it all at once I scream, "OH MY STINKIN HECK - TURN IT ALL OFF! NOW! TURN IT OFF! AAAAAACK! I'M DYING. YOU'RE KILLING ME!" and more and more drama.

Until I fall to the floor in a heaping mess and realize I've done it ... again. Each day is a new one - and slowly I think I'm gaining some composure. By the time they are 20 or so, I might have a handle on it.

Yea, I get you.

Submitted by Tracy Lee at 3/30/2007 5:10:48 PM

Thank you for making me (and my 3 year old who talks in the 3rd person) feel normal.

Submitted by pharmgirl at 3/30/2007 5:38:40 PM

Uh...I watch Arthur even without a child present...some of them are darned clever...

Submitted by Carroll at 3/30/2007 8:00:46 PM

See, THIS is why I read the mommy blogs! We elders sometimes think you young'uns have it all totally together with your co-sleeping, and your jogging strollers and your latte klatches and such. But this? This proves it -- you're just like us! We did that too, you guys, and look, you all turned out perfectly OK, right? I threw a perfectly good box of donuts right out the window of a moving car one time (after fair warning, of course..."If you two can't stop bickering and decide, I'm going to...!") Mind you, I skillfully tossed them behind the hedge of a friend's house as we were passing and then went back later to retrieve them and explained to the friend why I was gifting them to her for her kids. But donuts? On the way to school?? I see your TV and videos, and raise you JUNK FOOD!

Submitted by Suebob at 3/30/2007 8:25:05 PM

I can tell you why you did it: evil insects had crawled in your ears and the larvae were eating your brain. That is the only explanation.

Submitted by Stacey at 3/30/2007 8:42:56 PM

Sounds like some of my meltdowns lately. Except instead of wearing the scent of cinnamon rolls, I usually eat an entire tray of them, or a bag of chips because I am so stressed after my tirade. It takes up my entire flex points for the month! Don't feel bad, we all have our Mommy moments.

Submitted by blackbird at 3/31/2007 7:01:22 AM

20? you won't have a handle on it.
But the falling, dying on the floor is a good idea and I'm going to use it this weekend.

Submitted by BOSSY at 3/31/2007 7:35:08 AM

Bossy has done that whole "I'm going to take the toys" tour. She has also done the whole "Santa would be mighty disappointed by your failure to play with that toy" tour. Both tours: wild rides.

Submitted by islaygirl at 3/31/2007 12:34:23 PM

thank you for posting this. i had one of those out-of-body-yelling experiences last week, and i'm still feeling terrible about it. thank you, thank you, thank you. i know this sounds corny, but i really needed to know that i wasn't the only one. because a lot of the time, it feels that way.

Submitted by Alli at 3/31/2007 2:14:33 PM

I do that. It's usually when I have PMS, I know I'm freaking, I feel myself losing it, I hear myself screaming and I.Just.Can't.Stop!

Submitted by sarcastic journalist at 3/31/2007 2:25:25 PM

Now I'm curious to what my children would do if we took away all their toys? Ooh, maybe Santa could take off with their TV and computer? But then, that would be as painful for you as it was for them.

Submitted by coolbeans at 3/31/2007 2:36:01 PM

I do this more than I'd ever admit.

It's worse when it happens in the car. They can't get away!

Submitted by H at 3/31/2007 7:45:15 PM

I'm amazed how much less TV we're watching now that the sun stays up past 5pm. I often bemoan our TV habits, and my wise MIL says "you live in Michigan. It's winter. OF COURSE he's going to watch TV. Don't you want to, too?"

And she's right. Sigh.

The very fact that Meredith recommended Dad bring a dump truck home... heh. I love it.

Submitted by Jo at 3/31/2007 8:40:33 PM

My 6 year old has been grounded to his room all day with books. Yey!

He decided about a week ago that he would wake up on Saturday morning and get into the candy dish as much as possible before we woke up. He probably had 15-30 pieces of candy (not exactly positive because I am still finding candy wrappers and bubble gum all over the house. He was grounded to his room all day Saturday (with everything in his room intact).

We warned him what would happen if it happened again.

This morning I was in my reading room for a little bit. It got really quite so I went upstairs. I heard my son running from the living room as quickly as he could. I couldn't believe that I could actually smell the candy next to the recliner. I looked under it and found tootsie roll wrappers. I started talking as I headed to his bedroom and told him to go to time-out. While he stood in time-out I cleaned his room out of all toys, laptop, video games, television, etc. This probably took an hour. I then sent him back to his room and told him that the only option he had for the rest of the day was to read and work on some of his math/spelling books. He was not allowed to fall asleep either (his favorite thing to do when he is bored).

This method has worked for me in the past (granted, it has been about a year since I have done this). My son is one of those kids that hates to read or be still. :)

Submitted by jill at 3/31/2007 11:43:44 PM

Feels so good to know I'm not alone on this one. In fact, it feels almost as good as hurling a potty chair out your front door after being screamed at during your entire shower by an angry 3 year old who then throws same potty chair into shower door. Feels almost as good with none of the guilt. Thank you!

Submitted by Jaynee at 4/1/2007 12:51:24 AM

You and I are living parallel lives, it seems. I did a toy purge a few weeks ago (without their knowledge) because they never play with them. And you know? THEY DON'T MISS THEM. It's crazy. Fortunately, every now again Olivia goes nuts with the toys and pulls them all out to play with, so it's not like they are going totally unnoticed, but Duncan would much rather watch TV than play with toys. However, I know that'll change once the neighborhood pool opens - then he'll want to go there every night, which is fine with me!

Submitted by Jaynee at 4/1/2007 12:53:38 AM

Just to clarify my comment - the reason they don't miss the toys I took out is because they had so many...I didn't take ALL their toys.

Also, I discovered today that Olivia had broken yet ANOTHER item that she got at Christmas. I was so angry I told her that if she breaks anything else she won't ever get toys again.

Surely I get points for that one.

Submitted by Mauigirl52 at 4/1/2007 11:18:42 AM

I don't have kids but I feel your pain. And I remember how my own mother used to "punish" me and threaten to send me to my room - which I happily went to and holed myself up for hours reading my books and playing with whatever was in there. It was very difficult to punish me!

Submitted by Kristi at 4/1/2007 12:32:13 PM

Sounds like that lesson went well. They were totally shaken up with the prospect of NO MORE TOYS.

By the way, that is how it goes down here at my house too.

Submitted by Paula at 4/2/2007 1:31:28 PM

I found your blog from Notes From the Trenches.

Can I just say that I sat here open-mouthed reading this post because the *exact* same words came out of my mouth to my twin boys one day last week. Almost verbatim--right down to them not knowing how to even play with toys. Scary.

Thanks for letting me know I am not the only mom this happens to. Sometimes I think I am.

Submitted by bria at 4/3/2007 12:31:36 AM

ha! i once sent my mother to her room with a glass of wine when she went through an episode like this with my sister (who is 15 years younger than me). all moms do this. if only my mom was as funny as you are. thank you for your wonderful blog.

Submitted by kimblahg at 9/15/2007 12:21:01 PM

I am constantly questioning if my kids have too much screen time. It only gets worse as they get older. I have to pry my 8 yr old away from the Playstation and kick him out of the house with the command that he play outside for an hour. Then I feel bad because what if he gets kidnapped and it is all my fault. No matter what you do as a parent, guilt follows.

Submitted by NoMasNInos at 1/9/2008 3:02:29 PM

We lost all our art supplies one afternoon in a similar rampage. Now I just bury things deep in our garage or send them off to the goodwill.

Submitted by Deidre at 2/19/2008 2:35:19 PM

I threw all the toys away one day, too. More Barbies and Bratz dolls than I can count. Coloring books and crayons. Games, puzzles, books. Even a Little Tykes kitchen, the grocery cart, and all the dishes (I hadn't actually liked that whole setup from the start). The funny thing is that the garbage had just been picked up the day before, so all week I had to look out the back window at the bags full of toys thinking about all the wasted money and my temper tantrum over my 3 year old daughter not keeping her room clean. Oops!

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