When I was in the seventh grade, I went to a dance. Less than thirty minutes after arriving (and feeling like someone from another land as I watched over 100 people smiling and air-knocking simultaneously to Who Can It Be Now), I knew that dances were not my thing. After a bit of semi-frantic wandering [...]

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A few months back I noticed that Amy Chua was making the talk show rounds discussing her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. After watching a few of the interviews, I sort of knew that I would probably never read the book, and I sort of knew that I would never want to be [...]

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The kidney people used to call a few times each month to ask if I would put some sort of donation out on my front porch. Inevitably, I would forget to put the donation out until midnight the night before they were to come by, and then I would get all cranky and run around [...]

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Every time the outside temperature goes up (or down) by forty degrees or so, I start feeling the urge to buy new threads. And that’s sort of funny, because Fluid Pudding New Threads can be summed up as follows: Every spring/summer I purchase five short sleeved t-shirts to wear with my skirts, and every fall/winter [...]

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I throw in my sponge! (My make-up sponge.) My inconsolable soul able to weep these tears no more. No more! I hereby draw the line. (Around my eye!) ((With a felt-tipped applicator that gives me ultimate control.)) Oh! My mumpish existence. If you blur your perception, a fish appears to be consuming my bulbus oculi. [...]

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Let’s just get all of the nasty stuff out of the way, shall we? (Warning: This post contains paragraphs that might make boys uncomfortable. And perhaps some girls. And because I used the word Warning, I cannot guarantee where we’re going to end up when all of this is over, but at least I know [...]

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As you know, Jeff is in Palm Springs for the next few days. His original flight was canceled yesterday morning, so he had to fly into Los Angeles and then drive into Palm Springs, and this unfortunate fliparoo of scheduling actually caused him to make it to his hotel before he would have had he [...]

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As you know, I picked my glasses up last Tuesday. Everything was fine until last Friday when I noticed that the frames were embedding themselves into the back of the left side of my skull. I went back to the glasses shop, where the woman who originally helped me choose the frames adjusted them for [...]

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Observation: Yesterday I made a pot of pasta fagioli, but I added soy crumbles instead of ground beef. Within thirty minutes of eating it, I found myself at the school’s Curriculum Night actually socializing with people I had never met. Stranger yet: I wasn’t even wearing my Cocksure Shoes. Hypothesis: Soy somehow numbs my amygdala, [...]

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School started three weeks ago, and because I’m scared to death of having nothing to do, I’ve somehow managed to fill my calendar with arrows and freelance assignments and out-of-character plans like “September 7 – PTO meeting”. While I have your attention, let’s get something straight. Although I live in the United States, where periods [...]

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