Scene: I’m in the shower. The girls are on their own with the puppy. The cats are downstairs plotting. Meredith: Mommy! MOMMY!!! Me: What? WHAT?! Meredith: Scout just pooped on her piddle pad and it looks like popcorn! Me: Okay! I’ll take care of it when I get out! Meredith: You don’t understand! I think [...]

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Last night, as I tucked her into bed, Harper said, “I don’t want you to die before I’m 16.” Me: I’m with you. The good news? I probably won’t! Harper: Will you die before I’m 40? Me: I certainly hope not! Harper: I don’t want you to die. She then began to cry. And cry. [...]

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Jeff has been in San Francisco this week, which means I’m currently parenting at a level of eight point five. (I normally hover at around five or six.) Eight point five means I often come down on the girls for not clearing their breakfast dishes, I clean the litter box every other day, and I’m [...]

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Ah, here we are again—looking at my insides! I’m here to remind you that six years ago today, this happened: I’m pleased to report that my scarring (both emotional and physical! Whee!) is minimal, and my souvenir is now a beautiful six-year-old named Harper Rose. Harper is intelligent, considerate, and creative. AND, if you look [...]

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A few months back, it was brought to our attention that the school district’s literary magazine was accepting submissions, and that this year’s theme was Discovery. I talked to Harper, and she decided that she would love to write a poem. Because her class had recently written a few sensory poems, that style was fresh [...]

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Meredith: Mommy, do you know what Hypohogia is? Me: I’ve never heard of it! Meredith: Hypohogia is a rare made up condition where a groundhog throws up and coughs so hard that its teeth fall out. I saw it on the news. With this condition, groundhogs sneeze so hard that they fall to the ground. [...]

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This post has nothing to do with feminine protection! With that said, I feel the need to thank all of you who commented or sent e-mails regarding my tampon post. I have some very funny people stopping by Fluid Pudding. We should all have lunch sometime. Actually, let’s do it in Australia so I can [...]

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Harper approached me last night with a very serious look on her face. Harper: Mom, if Justin Bieber marries Selena Gomez, will I still have dreams about him? Me: Well, first of all, I doubt that Bieber and Selena Gomez get married. BUT, to answer your question, yes! You can still have dreams about him. [...]

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I have no idea who these women are. What I do know is this: They enjoyed the heck out of the Main Street Electrical Parade, and in my mind, after the last float rolled, they took off their ears and taxied out for Phase Two—an hour spent eating sashimi and bad-mouthing Barry Manilow. Good for [...]

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The girls are getting super SUPER excited about the Disney World trip next week. Although I’ve talked to them about the dangers of tooting horns and I constantly perform my Bragging is Ugly song (sung to the tune of The Reflex by Duran Duran!), I have a funny feeling they’ve been spending a lot of [...]

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