Let’s get the important stuff out of the way.

1. I didn’t really have an embryonic parasite attached to my gallbladder, nor did I go to a slipshod surgical center to have my gallbladder removed with a plastic straw and a shop vac. I didn’t walk away from my surgery carrying a detestable gallbladder sucker baby named Leo who rides around in my glove box. I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

2. Did I maybe sever my eardrum with a Q-tip Saturday and then immediately poke myself in the eye with a mascara wand? Wait. I’m sorry. What did you say? I can’t see you!

Fluid Pudding. I Can No Longer Perform Self-Care.
2024, Mixed Media, Private Collection, Saint Louis.

(Bonus! Last night I chopped jalapeños, rubbed my eyes, and Mr. Magoo’d around the house for 30 minutes.)

3. I watched the entire “One Day” series on Netflix last week before realizing that I had read the (not great) book in 2009 and also watched the (horrible, but only because I think Anne Hathaway is despicable, and please don’t make me tell you why) movie in 2011. Ah, but my hand still shot up to my mouth as I whispered, “What the fuck?!” during the penultimate episode as if I didn’t know what was about to happen. (Because I didn’t!) If a musical based on the book/movie/series hits the stage in 2035, I will probably buy a ticket having no idea that I am very much familiar with the story. I’m out in left field, and we’ve no money for butter.

4. I don’t normally make book recommendations, but I recently finished Beautyland, and I loved it. You’ll have to trust me on this, because when I tell you that it’s about an alien girl who reports on the human race to her alien family using a fax machine that her Earth mother found in the neighbor’s trash, I know at least five of you will be like, “Yeah. No.” BUT, the book was written by Marie-Helene Bertino (one of my favorite writers), and she uses words the way I wish I could use words, and to give you a taste of that, here are a few of the (many) sentences I underlined while reading:

“You can never look bad when you’re doing something for yourself.” Adina immediately thinks of exceptions. Murder. Incest. Murdering someone on your way to commit incest.

To express appreciation, human beings hit their hands together. The more they appreciate it, the harder and longer they hit.

Mother’s sound is, Don’t start, you don’t even wear the ones you have, I could make that for half the price, anyway, it’s ugly as sin. Daughter’s sound is, Chicken again?

5. I went to a Subtronics show last month and it was crowded (!) and loud (!) and I loved it so much—mainly because I’m old, so experiencing something unlike anything I’ve experienced before is rare. This video shows one of the more mellow concert moments. (The less mellow moments might induce a seizure, and I don’t feel like posting a disclaimer, so you get what you get.)

The crowd was encouraged to jump, but my legs tend to break. Instead of taking the risk, I spent the entire evening shaking my head up and down (YESYESYES) and back and forth (NONONO) with a smile on my face that made my cheeks hurt for days. (I’m not much of a smiler. I guess I could work on that, but not smiling has gotten me this far, so I think I’m good.)

6. Supposedly, today is National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day. You know what that means.