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I’m ripping off my privy pants to tell you The Starbucks Secret.

January 14th, 2009 · 24 Comments · Daily

So, I finished a freelance project early last week, and immediately took on another. And I’ll spare you all of the details except for this one: I now know more about anal sacs than you do. Specifically, canine anal sacs. And the things I have learned have absolutely nothing to do with the actual freelance work. I learned all of my anal sac info in my spare time, when I should have been cleaning the house or reading Revolutionary Road.

I’m hosting this weekend’s book club, you see, and I still haven’t finished the book. The idea of finishing it before Sunday afternoon seems quite doable, but it won’t be doable if I continue to spend my free time reading about Feline Panleukopenia and Tail Paralysis. (Confession: If I had the time to Do It All Over Again, I would probably jump into Healthcare. Also, if I had the time to Do It All Over Again, I would NOT have returned to Starbucks this morning after last week’s incident. Wait. Did I tell you that I wanted to pinch (or punch, depending on your imaginary violence tolerance level) a barista last week when he lectured me on the high prices of apple juice as he handed me my thirty-eight thousand dollar tall non-fat London Fog tea latte? (I know. So many stinking adjectives.) The register guy asked the barista to make a sample of the apple chai for me, and the barista told me that he would NOT make a sample for me because apple juice is terribly expensive. He then came down on the register guy (who knows I like chai, but had never tried the apple version) for even suggesting such a thing. “Apple juice is TOO EXPENSIVE TO GIVE AWAY!!!” And I wanted to look over to the register guy and whisper, “Let’s get him!” before jumping over the counter and clobbering the barista, but I was simply too embarrassed to say or do anything, because the register guy looked to be more than a bit distressed by the whole thing. This is What I Think I Know: The apple juice at Starbucks is not really apple juice. It is juice squeezed from the heads of endangered Chinese River Dolphins. And the Starbucks employees don’t want you to know this, but now you do. It makes perfect sense now, doesn’t it?)

Anyway. I shall now change the subject, knowing that We Will Never Forget The Starbucks Secret. Saturday evening will find me participating in my first ever Trivia Night, and I’m not sure if I should be excited or terrified, because it took Jeff and I nearly two minutes to come up with the name Rock Hudson this morning.

Me: Wait. Who is the dead guy I’m thinking of? Old. Adorable. Witty. I have a crush on him, and I think he was gay?

Jeff: Oh! Yeah. Um, not Spencer Tracy.

Me: No. An Affair to Remember, maybe, but I don’t think so. That guy. Funny!

Jeff: Cary Grant?! Cary Grant!

Me: Yes! Ding ding ding! We just won Trivia Night!!!

Jeff: But wait. You don’t love Cary Grant. I think you love Rock Hudson.

Me: True. We just lost Trivia Night!!!

(Brad? Liz? Do you still want us at your table?)

On Sunday afternoon, I will be leading the book club discussion. And as everyone talks about Kate Winslet and Richard Yates and how the movie paralleled the book and “I’d like a pear gorgonzola pizza” and whatnot, I will be hiding behind my lemonade and muttering something about how Leonardo DiCaprio is long on looks, and cats with thickened bowel loops just might be in trouble.

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24 responses so far ↓

  • 1 You can call me, 'Sir' // Jan 14, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I’m pretty sure Cary Grant wasn’t gay. Great actor, though. And witty!

    So, which is more dangerous: The always daunting canine anal sacs or the dreaded thickened feline bowel loop?

  • 2 Wanda // Jan 14, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Yet another reason for me to avoid Starbucks.

  • 3 Jean // Jan 14, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    I think there’s another blog post in your path from the unidentified freelance work to the animal research of which you so blithely speak (write?).

  • 4 Betsy // Jan 14, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! Just read the New Yorker review from last month. It’s super-smart and wordy. And, shoot, who reads the New Yorker anyway? No one will ever know and you can focus on snacks.

    http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2008/12/15/081215crbo_books_wood

    Also, are there animals other than dogs that have anal sacs? I have a pretty low-maintenance beauty routine in general, but I hope it’s not so low that I’ve been neglecting extractions for which other people make biweekly salon appointments.

  • 5 fluidpudding // Jan 14, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Sir–I guess when it comes right down to it, I’d much rather have my anal sac expressed than suffer from bowel loops. I think. Ask me again tomorrow.

    Wanda–God only knows what other types of wool they’re pulling over our eyes.

    Jean–I’m entering chapters from a veterinary book into a database. It’s fairly mindless. However, I’m also spending time reading parts of the veterinary book, which is quite interesting.

    Betsy–Thanks for the link! AND, both dogs and cats have anal sacs, but dogs are much more commonly affected than cats with things like impaction, sacculitis, abscess, and sac neoplasia. Anal sac ahoy!

  • 6 michelle @ TNS // Jan 14, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    the thing about trivia night is, after enough beer, everyone’s a winner!

    our vet once decided to express one of our dogs’ anal sacs on a whim. never a good idea, especially when your dog hasn’t pooped that morning. all i’m saying is, thank the baby jesus that the vet keeps extra clean jackets at the office.

  • 7 Hotch Potchery // Jan 14, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    eww. anal sacs.

    Yay, trivia night. LOVE. LOVE. trivia. We used to play every Tuesday (general) and Friday (entertainment). I rocked on Friday’s….not so much the Tuesday’s. I miss it. Good luck, have fun!

  • 8 Courtney // Jan 14, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    “thickened bowel loops” ?? UGh!

    We’ve done the trivia night thing. But, we are to competitive with each other. Not team players. LOL.

  • 9 OTC // Jan 14, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Oh, the anal sacs. Our favorite topic of discussion around here. “How do you feel about anal sacs?” “I hate anal sacs. And, you?” “Oh, I’m okay with anal sacs. But, the smell, you know. It’s sometimes overwhelming.” I especially like to discuss the anal sacs loudly out in public.

    Trivia night sounds fun. Hey, maybe you’ll get Stinky Dog Parts that Start with A.S.

  • 10 Shmoo // Jan 14, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Sorry, but I have to say that I probably know way more about canine anal glands than you do. As a matter of fact, if you want, I can provide you with a wonderful site that has an interactive anal gland squeezing web page. I’m not known as the queen of dog butt issues for nothing, and I challenge you to an anal gland knowledge duel.

    I throw down the rubber glove gauntlet.

  • 11 Gasoline Hobo // Jan 14, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Oh, the stories I could tell about anal sacs. But I won’t, because I’ve tried very hard to forget them.

  • 12 pharmgirl // Jan 14, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Feelin’ for the feline.

    I’ve got notable experience with the elderly cat crowd. The cat clinic on Forest Park is awesome. (despite thier unfortunate location next to the chinese food place)

  • 13 Kara // Jan 14, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    So that thing? With the cats bowel loops? Yeah, that was one of the things the vet suggested as Ziggy’s problem when he was constipated. Yeah. It scared the bejeezus out of me.

    And seariously – the Starbucks thing – dude. They use apple juice that costs like $3 a container at the grocery store, so I’m sure it’s way cheaper for them.

  • 14 Jemima // Jan 15, 2009 at 12:50 am

    Ewwwwww, you just said anal sac. That is the only thing that i am happy to pay my vet for, since our damnable hound needs her buttocks squeezed about every two to three months. They could charge me double and I would gladly pay it.

    If you get into trouble just remember General Lee. I won a pub trivia championship in Edinburgh just by having watched The Dukes of Hazzard when I was little. That Bo sure was cute.

  • 15 joaaanna // Jan 15, 2009 at 9:23 am

    I think Angela and Shmoo should have an Anal Sac Throwdown.

    And Shmoo? I think you should post that link you were referring to. My husband thought he could do the task on our dog and, well, it didn’t work so well. I had to ask him, “WHY would you even THINK to try that? Just on a WHIM?”

  • 16 Jen // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Oh, man, drop everything and read Revolutionary Road. Having manually expressed a dachshund’s anal glands, read the Yates book AND happen to possess thickened bowel loops thankyouverymuch, Yates wins, hands down.

  • 17 sonrie // Jan 15, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    i participated in a trivia night back in high school, so I definitely thought I knew *everything* but didn’t actually know as much as I know now…anyway, my team had to name the 3 types of rock, and we could only think of two (i can’t even remember them now), so instead of lose, we cleverly thought of this for our answer: Hard Rock, Classic Rock, Soft Rock. And then we won the prize for most creative answer. Yes, we did.

  • 18 Alex in OC // Jan 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I understand PETA just started a new campaign. We’re supposed to say “Sea Kitten Juice” instead of “apple juice” from now on. Wait…

  • 19 Alli // Jan 15, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Your nights of fun are so full of pressure. Next time I’m in town we can have a “guess this Margarita flavor” night. No pressure, except on your bladder later.

  • 20 ChasingSanity.com // Jan 17, 2009 at 9:23 am

    lol – that’s some funny action

  • 21 Wendy // Jan 19, 2009 at 12:40 am

    THAT could explain the drop in share price of Starbucks. How could they ever make a profit?? Thanks. Coulda told me before I bought shares….

  • 22 kimblahg // Jan 20, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    I worked at Starbucks during graduate school and let me tell you, they are rather uptight about the apple juice! I love their caramel apple cider and it was a drink they really didn’t like us drinking as our comp drinks. You would think milk on average would be higher than apple juice? It isn’t even organic apple juice (or wasn’t then).

  • 23 Jessica Bern // Jan 21, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    I can barely remember the words to describe what I had for dinner last night. I lose at trivial pursuit every, single, solitary time I play which is why people always want to play with me.

  • 24 Jo Anna // Jan 28, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Just want to add my empathy to the feeling-the-need-to-strangle-a-barista-today thing. Think maybe they should make that a theme week. Maybe the stock would rise. Prices would drop. And I might actually be able to pry myself away from their crackchaiteasoylatte8pumpsnowaternofoamextrahot and get a real job!!!