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Earthquake Starts With EAR

August 19th, 2018 · 10 Comments · Daily

The man who sold a Hershey bar to me was wearing a name tag that said “Al, Pinch Hitter.” Because I need new glasses, I read it as “Al Pinch Hitler.” which then became “I’ll Pinch Hitler.”

I started this sweater.

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Its top-down and stripes are starting to happen and I’ll Pinch Giuliani.

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Nobody wants to know that every night I dream about trying to walk down a crowded elementary school hallway, and my legs keep cramping up and I have to stop and stretch multiple times and I’m just so embarrassed that I can’t walk down a hallway without struggling, and then I can’t find my car so I have to do my best to just keep walking. Forever.

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I woke up Monday with a bum jaw and The Right Ear of Throbbing and a sensitivity that branched into my face and neck.

Nurse Practitioner: I’m not getting a good view of what’s going on in your ear, but I can tell you have an infection.

Me (in my head): It’s a baby bird. Maybe a cluster of spiders. My other black sock has been missing for days.

Suddenly, I was leaning back and holding a bowl under my ear and a medical assistant was squirting warm water and peroxide into my ear and STOP STOP STOP STOP because THE PAIN!

Nurse Practitioner: I’m going to send you to the ENT walk-in clinic.

The doctor at the walk-in clinic told me that no one should ever squirt water or peroxide into an ear. (I paid a $50 fee to have the water and peroxide squirted into my ear. That $50 could have purchased this shirt with enough left over for cheesecake. I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry before.)

Doctor at walk-in clinic: You’ve got all kinds of stuff going on in there. I’m going to vacuum it out a bit so I can see how bad the infection is.

Ear vacuum. Again with the crazy pain, but add in the irrational fear that my temporal lobe might be extracted accidentally. Question: Would a temporal lobe suck-out help with social anxiety? Answer: Damage to the right temporal lobe may cause a loss of inhibition with talking. Question: Would I rather be super comfy in public with a tendency to reveal every (potentially unpleasant) thought that bounces around in my head, or would I rather be panicky and self-contained? Luckily, my brain was not poked or sucked, so I shall remain jittery yet unresponsive. The Earth continues to spin, but I’m now realizing that I’ve met quite a few people in the past year who can be casually diagnosed with right temporal lobe damage. (I have a degree in psychology and semi-thick glasses, which means I’m credible.)

That was a long paragraph. Please enjoy this photo.

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Since having my ear squirted and sucked, I’ve been on high ear alert. That grasshopper is hungry for the workout lady’s temporal lobe.

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Denouement: My right ear is on steroids and has been making bad decisions stemming from feelings of invincibility. If she asks you for money, please don’t give it to her. She’s up to no good.

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10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Cairn // Aug 19, 2018 at 10:44 am

    I hope you feel better soon! Thank you for the smile you always give me with your writing!

  • 2 kmkat // Aug 19, 2018 at 1:51 pm

    Ditto Cairn’s comment. You can make ANYTHING entertaining. Hope the ear is better fast. btw, in order for your temporal lobe to be sucked out through your ear, it would have to be strained through your eardrum. Pretty sure that’s not gonna happen. My son is doctor and my husband was nurse; that gives me permission to post all the unwanted medical advice I want.

  • 3 Crazy Mom // Aug 20, 2018 at 9:54 am

    Hope your ear is better soon!!! Yikes!!!!

    This was horrifying….
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/she-had-a-loud-nonstop-crunching-noise-in-her-head-that-doctors-couldnt-quiet/2018/08/17/7afdc19c-852d-11e8-8f6c-46cb43e3f306_story.html

  • 4 Lucinda Maddera // Aug 20, 2018 at 10:23 am

    That water/peroxide torture was performed on my ear a number of times as a child and I will punch anyone in the face who tries to do it to me now. The whole experience is a childhood memory I’d rather have erased.

    I’m glad they didn’t find your missing sock in your ear, but I hope you find the sock somewhere…normal(?). Your knitting abilities floor me.

  • 5 Elizabeth Andrade // Aug 20, 2018 at 4:11 pm

    Good luck. Best wishes for speedy healing. I appreciate your unique and clever insights.

  • 6 JessicaD // Aug 20, 2018 at 9:30 pm

    Awwwww! I hope you’re feeling better soon! And NO MORE fluid/vacuum tricks at your ear — just demand antibiotics (steroids? at least she’ll be strong!) and be done with it all! Hoping you’re on the mend!

  • 7 RzDrms // Aug 20, 2018 at 10:27 pm

    FACT: I’ve always loved the word “denouement,” both the way it sounds and vis-à-vis novels and such. ALSO FACT: I have an English degree.

  • 8 Lael // Aug 21, 2018 at 3:52 pm

    I kinda want an ear vacuum.

  • 9 Alex // Aug 27, 2018 at 5:47 pm

    My kid just had her ear vacuumed and she HATED it and honestly? It looked like something that you should do.

  • 10 Alex // Aug 27, 2018 at 5:49 pm

    Should NOT, rather