The Trouble with Apostrophes and Nuts

About six weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a pistachio company. In not so many words, they asked if I would be interested in eating their nuts and then writing about it on my website.

“Fluid Pudding is not THAT kind of website,” I answered.

A few weeks later, I discovered a large white box on my front porch:

Clearly, my nuts had dropped.

(Wow. Two nut jokes, and I’m already tired of the nut jokes. I was eleven when I started writing this entry. Suddenly, I’m 86 again. Will you run me to the post office, Sweetie?)

I popped the box open, and found the following items:

Four boxes of pistachios, a pistachio shirt, a pistachio hat, a brochure all about pistachios, and a stuffed pistachio that Harper quickly claimed as her own. Because “it looks like a big sandwich with eyeballs.” And we all know that big sandwiches with eyeballs = Comedy Gold amongst the pre-school set.

Although I was sort of weirded out by the stuffed pistachio and the hat (okay. and the shirt.), I have to give the Everybody’s Nuts marketing team some credit. The back cover copy on the pistachio box is probably the funniest back cover copy I’ve seen. (Oh, and I’ve seen my share of back cover copy, Sparky. Someday we’ll kick back with a glass of milk and talk about it.)

On the back of the Roasted, No Salt box:

When Everybody’s Nuts first started, we gathered all the pistachios and said, “We want each of you to open up. Can you do that?” The response was overwhelming. “I like to wear cowboy boots to bed!” yelled one nut. Another piped in with, “I have an unnatural fear of kitty cats.” We heard, “I sing show tunes in the shower” and “My parents never supported my acting career.” Finally we said, “Hey, hey. We didn’t mean to open up like that. We meant for you to open up your shells 100% of the time, so people can easily enjoy your cholesterol-free, protein-packed delicious goodness.” Thankfully, they agreed. And they also agreed to stop talking about their distrust of nutcrackers.

I admit, it loses a bit of funny toward the end. But the part about the pistachios opening up? Yeah. That part made me ROFLMNOP.

Okay. Pistachios. There’s really not much to say, except: I never really considered these things to be a snack food. BUT, I ate every single stinkingly delicious pistachio. My favorite flavor? Salt and Pepper Pistachios. (Incidentally, I found three pistachios that were NOT opened. According to the box, I could mail those back in with a proof of purchase and they would send a free box of nuts to me. Because I didn’t pay for the pistachios, this is not an option for me. Perhaps I should look into selling the unopened pistachios on eBay.)

I know you’re wondering if I wear the shirt and the hat.

I do not wear the hat. However, I’m sure one of the kids will someday have a Wear a Goofy Hat Promoting Your Favorite Protein-Packed Treat Day during Homecoming Spirit Week, so it will eventually get some face time.

The shirt? Okay. The shirt says “Everybody’s Nuts.” As soon as I can convince myself that the apostrophe is filling in for an omitted letter and has absolutely nothing to do with possession, well, maybe then I’ll pull it over my head.

Wait. Wait! The apostrophe is clearly NOT filling in for an omitted letter. It IS denoting possession. These nuts belong to everybody! And by Nuts, I mean Pistachios!

I’m forever tripping over entendres… ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

23 thoughts on “The Trouble with Apostrophes and Nuts”

  1. (am holding back on a comment ala bridge to nowhere – gold star for me)

    Mr. M would have died & gone to heaven if that box arrive on our doorstep – he asks for the darn things for CHRISTMAS every year….and his mommy gets them.

  2. I did buy a package of them and found two unopened nuts, but it seemed kind of nuts (sorry I couldn’t help myself) silly to pout over two unopened! out of a whole package! so I let those babies go to trash heaven.

  3. Everybody’s Nuts = Everybody Is Nuts?

    Just a thought! I’m not a writer, I was a science major in college!

  4. I freaking LOVE Everybody’s Nuts. I am a huge pistachio fan, and they convinced me that paying more and buying quality ones instead of bulk REALLY makes a taste difference. They are awesome, and I’m totally jealous of that package!

  5. i’m with jmc
    the apostrophe makes it punny/double entendre
    but only verbally
    as written, it is singularly funny

  6. I love, love, love, love pistachios. They are an addiction for me. That’s cool, you can send unopened ones back? I hate buying a bag of nuts and having nearly 1/4 not opened!!!

  7. I love anyone who will obsess over an apostrophe as much as me.

    And with that apostrophe, a guy wearing that t-shirt??

    Disappointed I didn’t respond to that pitch now.

  8. I love that you get M&Ms and pistachios in the mail for free and all I get is nasty email demanding I take someone’s name off my website.

    “It looks like a big sandwich with eyeballs” = one more in a long list of reasons why I love your kids.

  9. Courtney: “Deez Nutz!” – We all repeat that punchline in our house all the time, yet no one can remember the actual joke. Do you (or anyone else) know the joke that goes with it?

    My 8-year old mind can’t let go of you given the offer to eat their nuts and Rachael up there loves Everybody’s Nuts. I think I’ll go give myself a wedgie now.

  10. What? No more buckethead confirmation word down here?? You mean just any old body can comment around this place now? Sheesh. First the M&M’s, now the nuts and this. Y’r’ goin’ t’ th’ dogs, I tell ya.

    (Parse *those* apostrophies, kiddo ;-)

  11. It’s been all about the nuts these last few weeks – first Sir, then LOD….now you. oy

  12. I want some Pistachios.
    I ate a bit of everything this weekend trying to figure out what would satisfy that craving, that non-specific craving that I only knew was wrong after I had eaten an entire bowl of whatever I was using to kill the craving…if only I had read this entry earlier. Now, I will know what I want all day and still not be able to kill the craving.

  13. What a hoot! I loved your nuts jokes! So, I love pistachios. The salt n pepper flavored sounds devine. Kind of like that Orville Redenbacher popcorn you told us about. Mmm! So tell me, what’s wrong with unopened pistachios? Does that mean they are bad, just like oysters/mussels that don’t open? Love that Harper said the pistachio looked like a sandwich with big eyeballs. She does have a point.

  14. You get this awesome box of nuts, and The Blogess gets the tranny legos…you are both what I aspire to be!

    Oh, and I would have killed about 10 years ago if we could have only had a “nut” joke…we were all about the “ballz” at Chez Potchery.

  15. Pistachios used to be a huge hit at my last job, but sometimes we’d hide them at the end of the day so the boss wouldn’t come down and sit and chat with a bowl right when we were trying to leave. The only other problem with them is that the clicking of the shells sounds a little bit like someone is clipping their nails, and behind the cubicle walls I don’t want to have to think about the possibility of my co-workers doing their personal grooming, even if they are just eating nuts.

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