I want to go to Canada for their Thanksgiving. Who’ll have me?

It’s cold and rainy today (which I love), and three of the four kids in my house (sometimes I count the cats) are sick right now. With that said, I had jelly on my toast and hot Earl Grey (with honey) for breakfast, so I really have no complaints. On the calendar for this evening is soccer, Reading Night at the school, and the possibility of knitting. However, none of us will be leaving the house for fear of spreading our germs unnecessarily. (Sometimes it’s necessary. We tend to lick the people we know.)

Let’s get down to business here. The reason I haven’t invited you over to my house is because we have really offensive pink carpeting in the front room, and I’m embarrassed by it. And I know that’s silly, but we choose our own humiliations, right? (I choose Pink Carpeting, and the time in high school when I slipped and fell in the hallway and accidentally threw my French horn into a group of football players! It has been 22 years, and I still haven’t healed!) Supposedly, that Pink carpeting is sitting on top of a hardwood floor that the previous owner swore was in good condition. However, the carpeting (which is very pink. Did I mention the Pink?) looked suspiciously pristine when we moved in, and the owner had a big guilty-looking old dog who appeared to be the type of dog who has zero bladder control in exciting situations. (I can relate. Jim and Pam’s wedding is tonight, by the way.) All of this to say: I want this carpeting out of the house SO badly, but I have a funny feeling we’ll lift it up and find spotty canine pee stains all over the wood. Pee stains that have been covered with cheap Pink carpeting for the past seven years. And suddenly it’s Christmas.

The previous owner of the house once greeted us while wearing a sweatshirt that held an airbrushed representation of the big old dog. I’m sure I would have found a companion tote bag had I looked under all of her yarn. This has nothing to do with anything.

So, Jeff’s aunt gave us a calendar last year for Christmas. She also went the extra mile and wrote everyone’s birthday on the calendar. (Hello, Bob and Susan. Are you aware that you have birthdays at the end of this month? Because I AM aware.) Anyway, the top of the October page contains the following poem:

Jams, puddings; teacakes, and tarts, roast beef in wine sauce and cranberry hearts chicken pot pie with biscuits and cream, French fries and chocolates and Apricot Dream. Blessed with Abundance each day all our own; there’s Love in the kitchen, the Heart of the Home.

For some reason, this poem pisses me off to no end. Other than the punctuation (I’m looking at you, “cranberry heart chicken pot pie”), it doesn’t really hold anything offensive. However, I read it every day and then I sort of roll my eyes into the back of my head and sigh. Okay. Wait. Full disclosure. The calendar also has this paragraph scrawled in a really crappy cursive font on top: “Running home from school on a crisp clear day, crunching as many leaves as possible with my shoes on the way, coming in the door, breathless and pink cheeked, slamming the books down and finding my mom in the kitchen pulling a pan of apple crisp from the oven. Smelled like, looked like, and tasted like love to me.” So, yeah. It starts off innocently enough with the day-way rhyme thing going on, then suddenly it’s nothing but a frantic run-on about how perfectly timed apple crisps represent love. And what’s going on with the book slamming? No apple crisp for book slammers in the Pudding house. (I believe I’ll cross-stitch that sentence and hang it in the hallway.)

I’m toying with the idea of change. Sadly, I don’t believe this is the way to go.
Picture 4

(I’ll probably stick the following at the bottom of every entry for awhile: I currently have three giveaway things going on. That has never happened before. Are you feeling lucky? You certainly look lucky.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

12 thoughts on “I want to go to Canada for their Thanksgiving. Who’ll have me?”

  1. I understand the carpet embararssment. We have some sort of tanish, greenish color in the living room that borders on shag. When I take pics, I get disappointed when I see there’s no way to exclude the carpet in them. Agree on the hair, by the way.

  2. Canadian Thanksgiving – what a fantastic idea!

    Our living room carpet is plain tan but it is eleven years old and GROSS. But we have a 13 year old dog so… all I’m saying is there’s really no point in replacing it right now.

    Tear up the pink carpet and see what you have to work with. You can always buy area rugs for unsightly stains.

  3. We’d love to have you up for Canadian Thanksgiving! Drive to Cleveland, then take a boat straight across Lake Erie, and you’re here.

    I’m assuming the invite would be reciprocated for American Thanksgiving next month?

  4. Well, those inspirational sayings they print on PAPER TOWELS, OF ALL THINGS make me want to climb a clock tower with a Kalashnikov. So I’m picking up what you’re putting down, sister.

    (Also, I had to google Kalashnikov to make sure that’s what I meant. I’m not as street as I appear. YOU ARE SHOCKED BY THIS.)

  5. Just pull the carpet up if you don’t like it. See what you have under there. If the floor needs to be sanded and refinished, so be it. It will be gorgeous when it is finished. Minimal expense.

    Do it! Do it now!

  6. Did you know that I only talk about ME in other people’s comments? I DO.
    WE have terriblehorrible need-to-be-refinished hardwood floors in my house and I’m ashamed of them. 15 years.
    Or, should I say: hi, my name is bb and I have terriblehorribleneedtoberefinishedhardwoodfloorsatmyhouse and I am ashamed?

  7. Ohh pink carpet? I’m hoping you do have pristine hardwood underneath…

    You’re welcome to stop by for Thanksgiving (Canadian) if you’d like. I’m not making a big turkey, just a turkey breast roast (which sounds odd when typed out like that) but there will be dressing (i.e. stuffing that isn’t stuffed in anything) and mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie.

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