I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand.

The phone rings. I pick it up.

Me: Hello?

Guy: Angela?

Me: Yes.

Guy: Hello there! It’s Ben from The Place Where You Bought A Car One Time!

Me: Oh! Hi there!

Ben: I’m just calling to wish you a happy two year anniversary with the Sonata!

Me: Has it really been two years?

Ben: It has! Are you still liking the car?

Me: We’re loving the car!

Ben: Great! Well, this might sound silly, but I’m calling to give you my phone number in case you ever want to send one of your friends or family members over to The Place Where You Bought A Car One Time. If they actually buy a car from me, I’ll send you fifty dollars!

Me: That doesn’t sound silly. I spent fifty dollars filling up my tank this morning!

Ben: I hear you. (He continues talking and Henry decides that he needs to go outside and my potato finishes baking in the oven and everything is happening all at once, so my brain hiccups and all I hear is…) …so Happy Anniversary!

(Suddenly, Henry is knocking on the back door and I’m balancing the phone between my shoulder and chin and I have my hands in the oven and I have completely forgotten why I’m on the telephone, so I do what you do when a pleasant-sounding man wishes you a happy anniversary.)

Me: Happy anniversary. I love you.

(Suddenly, I realize what I have done, and I quickly hang up. You see, I do not love Ben, but I also don’t want to hurt his feelings so soon after using the L word.)

((If you’re interested in a Hyundai, let me know if you need a guy. I’m curious to see if he’d really send fifty bucks to a married lady who just confessed that she’s interested in a tasty side dish that she hasn’t heard from in over two years.)) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

22 thoughts on “I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand.”

  1. I was really hoping that you were gonna say that you told *Ben Folds*, “I love you.” I am sure your husband would understand.

  2. i’ve done that, too! not to the car guy, because i don’t have a car, but someone else.
    i don’t remember the exact circumstances, i usually block thing out that are deeply embarrassing, but it was on the phone. “bye i love you” to a stranger. you know? sigh.
    i’m sure lots of people do that.

  3. So, it seems pretty evident that when the car salesmen all met for a drink after work, Ben didn’t have to buy a round. I hope he made it home okay after your confession. I’m still laughing.

  4. Too funny! You made me laugh, and I’m all down in the dumps! Also, now My Michelle is running through my head.

  5. Ha! One of my male high school friends (as an adult – we are still friends) did that to another male high school friend…….while we were all (including his wife) standing there…..heheheeeeee. “Okay bye sweetie, love you” – and his wife starts laughing and laughing -and he doesn’t realize why – and then we all assure him that he really did just say that to our other friend. We all thought it was HI-larious. Of course, maybe the fact that we all found it so amusing explains why we are all still friends……

  6. I couldn’t laugh as hard as I wanted because I had a sleeping baby in my lap so instead a few hot tears fall out of my eyes which was weird and then I got distracted by the weird hot tears and then I read it all again and it all happened again because THIS is the sort of situation I find myself in more often than I would care to admit in public.

  7. Seriously… separated at birth… I was JUST telling another friend of the story when one of my co-workers left me a voicemail and at the end its clear he forgot who he was leaving a message for and says “love you, bye!” so later we’re discussing really important work stuff, he seems a bit anxious, I turn to leave and after a few steps I turn back and say “I love you too”, and we both bust out laughing.

  8. Uh-oh. This could mean trouble. He might be sending you flowers soon.

    To avoid these kind of mix-ups, one should always end ‘I love you’ with ‘I love you, man.’

  9. You know, in context, this could work–he offered you lots of money–maybe he thinks you have people to refer and are counting the money up already! That could make his day and he could be saying “i love you” right back–I know the life of a commission-only sales rep at a car dealership–when they start calling up past sales, that means they’re hard up.

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