I received a Fitbit Force for Christmas, and that puts me in a club with all of the other Fitbit people out there who are trying to unlock Achievement: My Pants Aren’t Too Tight. (When I got my nose pierced, I suddenly noticed every single person with a nose hole. Lately I’m focusing in on just how many people have tiny tattoos on their arms. Soon, my awareness of black plastic bracelets on non-dominant wrists will increase. Always be aware of your surroundings.)
After wearing the bracelet for a little over 24 hours, I’ve learned the following things:
1. The stairs in our home are one inch shorter than the required measurement for the Fitbit to register them as stairs. As a result, I’m now exaggerating my stair trips in order for them to count. In other words, I should probably take some sort of circus class to learn how to fall down stairs appropriately because carrying a basket of towels while marching down the stairs like a clown is not going to end well.
2. I’m even pokier than I thought. The average me takes less than 2,000 steps on an average day. I’m glad the Fitbit doesn’t send little “Get off your butt, Pokey!” messages to me throughout the day, but maybe that’s exactly what I need. (I have no idea what my needs are anymore.) I’m finding that although the Fitbit is embarrassing me into wanting to walk around more, it is not influencing my food choices at all. Here’s hoping the next model is able to shoot a little serotonin directly into my veins when I’m about to tube some Ritz crackers for no good reason. (Similarly, I’ve also considered how nice it would be if the Fitbit shocked me just enough to disable my arm for an hour when I seem to be using that arm as a vehicle to get too many cookies up to my face.)
3. I’m actually sleeping much better than I thought I was sleeping. I’m one of those people who wakes up every single hour during the night. Because of that, I tend to complain a lot about not sleeping well. Last night the Fitbit registered every single time I woke up (12 times total), but STILL rated my sleep at 97%. (I was in bed for seven hours and thirty minutes. I slept for seven hours and ten minutes. 97% is a fairly strong A. I’m failing on the exercise side of Fitbit, but sleep? I AM THE CHAMPION OF SLEEP. I challenge you to sleep as well as me. (I have no secrets: Lately I’ve been sleeping with a warm lavender-scented hippo on my left shoulder. I believe she might be my Land of Nod ace in the hole. Warm lavender shoulder hippo!))
4. This morning I actually logged a food on the Fitbit app. Instant coffee! (Don’t make talk about why I’m drinking instant coffee. You already think I’m a weirdo, and I don’t feel like shooting hairspray into that fire.) In other words, I now have movement goals (which I will fail until the weather warms up a bit), sleep goals (I rule the world), and food goals (I’m starting to hate myself). Faster, better, stronger, awake-ier, panache-ier on stairs, et cetera.
Once again, I’m starting to wonder if I’m becoming a caricature of myself. The Fitbit doesn’t measure that.