The last time we spoke, I was getting ready to prepare for Friday’s colonoscopy.
I prepared. I also had the good sense to send the girls out of the house on Thursday evening. When you’re 8 and 10 and unable to drive a car, the last place you want to be is trapped in a house with a parent who is chugging Gatorade mixed with Miralax. Thus it was, and so they went.
Jeff and I left our house for the hospital on Friday morning at 6:00. When we arrived, we were handed a buzzer.
Nurse (to Jeff): The buzzer will go off once when we’re ready to prep her for the procedure. It will go off again when she’s in the procedure room. It will go off a third time when you’re able to visit her in the recovery room.
We sat down and noticed that the number on the buzzer corresponded with a color coded screen.
Me: Look. My box is white. Does that mean I’m hungry for a doughnut? Because I’m hungry for a doughnut.
Jeff: Look at 87. He’s red. That means his blazing hot wings are ready.
With that, the buzzer went off for the first time.
Jeff: WELCOME TO THE TERROR DOME!!!
Long story shortened. The nurse took me back, asked me a bunch of questions, stuck an IV into my wrist, gave me a warm blanket, and told me to take it easy.
As I was taking it easy, I heard her greeting the woman in the next room. She started the same set of questions.
Nurse: Do you know why you’re here today?
Lady Next Door (LND): For a colonoscopy.
Nurse: Did you drink all of the prep mix?
LND: I didn’t.
Nurse: Oh. Okay. Did you refrain from eating solid foods yesterday?
LND: No. I had cereal for breakfast and some crackers last night.
Nurse: Oh. Okay. Have you had anything by mouth since midnight last night?
LND: Yes. I drank some coffee this morning.
Wrong answer, wrong answer, wrong answer. I suddenly felt very superior for drinking, refraining, and keeping my mouth closed after midnight.
Let’s skip ahead. I met the anesthesiologist. They wheeled me back to the procedure room. I rolled over onto my left side. I drifted into the most wonderful Propofol-induced sleep. The doctor piped me. I woke up.
Me: Have you talked to the girls?
Jeff: Yep. I texted Meredith just a few minutes ago.
Me: Good.
(Thirty seconds pass.)
Me: Have you talked to the girls?
Jeff: Um, yep. I just told you that.
Me: So you talked to them? To the girls? Have you talked to the girls?
Because Jeff is patient and Jeff is kind and Jeff does not envy and Jeff does not boast and Jeff is not proud, Jeff drove me straight from the hospital to a doughnut joint and then allowed me to shove a vanilla long john into my face while he ran into Starbucks and picked up a chai for me.
And we all lived happily ever after.
And I will NEVER miss an opportunity to put weird faces on my colon photos.
So, what’s that white thing on my colon? I don’t know! BUT, it’s normal.
Bonus: It is a rare delight to catch a glimpse of the elusive Colon Farrell. Luckily, my doctor is a wizard with the colonoscope and was able to capture a quick photo before Mr. Farrell disappeared behind my cecum.
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colonoscopy humor! OMG!
also, who doesn’t do the prep properly? what is that about????
This made me laugh a lot more than maybe you thought it might. I have had a dreadful 5 weeks, so bad that it’s laughable because otherwise it would be cry-able. So thanks for the laugh that I desperately needed.
Colon Ferrell! Ha ha!
The warm blankets are the best thing about the hospital. I always ask for extra.
I have heard about the forgetfulness – apparently repeating yourself repetitively is a thing after colonoscopy. Glad you are “in the clear”.
I’m with snody, who doesn’t prep!? God knows you don’t want to go through ANY version of the prep again!? Thanks for the laughs!!
I think I’m kinda bummed that when I got mine I didn’t get to keep photos :( Yours looks marvelous!! For me, the worst part was the IV.. OUCH
Good to hear you got a “clean” bill of health — at least in the colonic area.
I’ve never had to have a colonoscopy myself, but my husband has. I told him the first time to ask the doctor if we could get an 8×10 glossy because I’d like to frame it for our mantel, so he did. He reported back that the doctor just stared at him with a stern look like there’s something wrong with colonoscopy humor, plus he didn’t get a copy (8×10 or otherwise) of his lovely innards.
It was, however, amusing to sit with him while he recovered from the anesthesia and said silly things. Many times. The same silly things.
I love propofol so much that I can’t even tell you how glad I am that we can’t just buy it over the counter in Canada or Mexico. Wait, CAN WE?
Look how clean your colon is! I don’t know why I find that praise worthy, but yeah…I totally do.
Love your humor, you are one of my favorites.
I work in health care marketing, and recently we developed a patient booklet for colonoscopies. I am absolutely appalled that the woman beside you didn’t follow the prep. I may be taking it personally because we put so much work into our booklet, but it’s just dumb. We have an example of a winding road on a beautiful, sunny day next to the same road during a blizzard. That’s the difference in ‘visibility’ when you prep and when you don’t. We even put a tagline in that said something like, ‘You don’t want to repeat this, and we don’t either.’ Am I still talking? I’m done now.
Glad your colonoscopy went well and you had a donut/chai afterward.
My laptop died..I had to sneak onto hubby’s work computer just to tell you that you are hilarious and I love you!