Earthquake Starts With EAR

The man who sold a Hershey bar to me was wearing a name tag that said “Al, Pinch Hitter.” Because I need new glasses, I read it as “Al Pinch Hitler.” which then became “I’ll Pinch Hitler.”

I started this sweater.

Its top-down and stripes are starting to happen and I’ll Pinch Giuliani.

Nobody wants to know that every night I dream about trying to walk down a crowded elementary school hallway, and my legs keep cramping up and I have to stop and stretch multiple times and I’m just so embarrassed that I can’t walk down a hallway without struggling, and then I can’t find my car so I have to do my best to just keep walking. Forever.

I woke up Monday with a bum jaw and The Right Ear of Throbbing and a sensitivity that branched into my face and neck.

Nurse Practitioner: I’m not getting a good view of what’s going on in your ear, but I can tell you have an infection.

Me (in my head): It’s a baby bird. Maybe a cluster of spiders. My other black sock has been missing for days.

Suddenly, I was leaning back and holding a bowl under my ear and a medical assistant was squirting warm water and peroxide into my ear and STOP STOP STOP STOP because THE PAIN!

Nurse Practitioner: I’m going to send you to the ENT walk-in clinic.

The doctor at the walk-in clinic told me that no one should ever squirt water or peroxide into an ear. (I paid a $50 fee to have the water and peroxide squirted into my ear. That $50 could have purchased this shirt with enough left over for cheesecake. I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry before.)

Doctor at walk-in clinic: You’ve got all kinds of stuff going on in there. I’m going to vacuum it out a bit so I can see how bad the infection is.

Ear vacuum. Again with the crazy pain, but add in the irrational fear that my temporal lobe might be extracted accidentally. Question: Would a temporal lobe suck-out help with social anxiety? Answer: Damage to the right temporal lobe may cause a loss of inhibition with talking. Question: Would I rather be super comfy in public with a tendency to reveal every (potentially unpleasant) thought that bounces around in my head, or would I rather be panicky and self-contained? Luckily, my brain was not poked or sucked, so I shall remain jittery yet unresponsive. The Earth continues to spin, but I’m now realizing that I’ve met quite a few people in the past year who can be casually diagnosed with right temporal lobe damage. (I have a degree in psychology and semi-thick glasses, which means I’m credible.)

That was a long paragraph. Please enjoy this photo.

Since having my ear squirted and sucked, I’ve been on high ear alert. That grasshopper is hungry for the workout lady’s temporal lobe.

Denouement: My right ear is on steroids and has been making bad decisions stemming from feelings of invincibility. If she asks you for money, please don’t give it to her. She’s up to no good. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>