Fluid Pudding

Below the line is the final installment of my alphabetical journal.
Installment #1 (February 16, 1990 – March 28, 1990) is here.
Installment #2 (April 4, 1990 – August 9, 1990) is here.

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August 16, 1990 – March 17, 1991
After everybody showered, we went to a restaurant called Hooters where we had chicken wings. After Rally Night we walked to 210. Afterwards, we took him home and the rest of us went out to the field again and then back to 210. Afterwards, we went over to 210 for the Halloween party. Afterwards, we went to 210 for fried chicken. All these thoughts are going through my head. At around 11:00, they came from her party to give me my Christmas present—a rock from the art museum. At around 2:30 we went to Denny’s where we met a Saudi Arabian guy named Shaun and three of his Saudi Arabian friends. At around 8:30am, She’s Having a Baby came on, so we watched it.

The Rock

Damn. Does that mean something is going bad?

Either before Denny’s or after Back to the Future, we watched Birdy. Even as I write this, I’m on the verge of tears. Everything is not back to normal.

For the past two weeks I’ve been going overboard with diet pills and laxatives. Friday morning, we got up at around noon.

God, it’s so weird. Goodbye. Guess what else? Guess what?

Happy New Year. He calls and asks me out, I say no, he gets pissed, and then he calls again the next day and the whole process starts over again. He dropped acid last Friday night. He had been drinking, too. He had never seen the ocean before. He said that people were shooting dirty looks at him the whole time. He said that she is the most boring person in the world. He said it wouldn’t work because people would know. He wasn’t a big help.

I don’t know. I ended up going back to the party with them. I felt really bad for him because the paper kept ripping. I gave him my phone number. I had been doing gin shots and drinking beer, so I was semi-tipsy. I hate mentioning his name. I hate this. I hope I can remember it all. I just feel really ugly. I want to get some muscle relaxers. I was so nervous going to that party last night. I was so upset. I went downstairs and got my stuff and told her what was going on. I’ll tell you why. I’m the president of your fan club. I’m writing this as we drive back from Florida. I’ve been getting prank phone calls for the past three days from some guy who calls himself Charlie. If you need something, I’m there. If you sort of want something, I’m there. Instead of getting deeper, it got shallower. It was a Christmas tree drawn with crayons on a piece of notebook paper. It was the hayride. It’s getting dark now.

Last night there was a party at 210. Last night when she was out of his sight, she was flirting with the bouncers. Let the motherfucker burn.

210

Maybe I’m being stupid. Most of me hates her. My pillow is full of big black smears from my mascara. My stomach is growling as I write this.

Now I can’t because of the skank.

Okay. On Monday, we got some peppermint schnapps, made hot chocolate, got some blankets, and drove out to a field to look at the stars. On the way back to the apartment we stopped at the studio.

Plus, he writes poetry.

Saturday night, I went to a margarita party at 210. She gave the card to the bus driver. She had beer and we did shots of gin. She is disgusting both sober and drunk. She said I was too skinny. She said that it hurt and that she bled. She told him that she treats sex as recreation. So, I spent a major part of the night sitting outside in her car.

1991

That really wasn’t what I wanted to hear. The day after tomorrow I may be going to Florida. The girl has never gone to the gyno for fear that something is wrong with her. Then he went to sleep and I went back out to the party. Then we went to his car to do more shots. They went into the bathroom. They were sitting around on the sinks. They were watching The Princess Bride, so we stayed. Thursday morning at 6:30 I was awakened by the sound of someone tapping on my window. Tonight was the homecoming skit. Tuesday, he called and told me that he got the hint and that he won’t be bothering me anymore. Two of them went inside, two more got out, and I leaned over and puked out the side of the car. Two Wednesday nights ago we went to Galleria to see his band.

1991

We all decided to go to Sanibel Island to drink. We did a midnight run for milk and Oreos and then sat around talking. We just sat there and made small talk. We really need to talk. We went over to 210 to hang out so he could carve a pumpkin. We went to Club Vogue last night, and I got kicked out for drinking. We went to Katy Station and then we came back here to watch My Left Foot. We went to Mister Donut for donuts and coffee, and then we headed back to the complex. We were all on the couch again. Wednesday night, the US went to war against Iraq. When we got there, I went to the bathroom. When we got to the apartment, they were smoking a joint. Whore.

1991

An explanation of my alphabetical journal is here. Below the line is from April 4, 1990 to August 9, 1990 with names (and whores!) removed. 

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A man is singing. Afterwards, we bought doughnuts and then went back to eat and sleep. Afterwards, we came back to my room, rented a VCR, and watched “Stand by Me.” Afterwards, we filled his fire extinguisher with water. Another thing is that I always gain weight at school because I don’t work out and I drink every once in a while. At one point, he went into the kitchen to make popcorn. At this point, the good outweighs the bad.

Bad News: My rent is now $150 instead of $100.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

Everyone might help out for a few days, but eventually they will sink back into the rut and continue to use plastic bags and Styrofoam containers.

For lunch I’m having strawberries, an oat bran bagel, and skim milk. Four weeks ago today they had intercourse, and things are still comfortable between them. Friday night we went to his house to drink beer, tie-dye, and watch “Evil Dead, pt. 2.” Fucker.

Girl, you know it’s true. God, I am so sick of working here.

He accidentally broke my quartz over the weekend. He called me at 4:15am this morning and asked if he could come over. He cut his wrist with an X-Acto knife. He is sort of like a cross between Willie Nelson and Lou Reed. He never showed up. He told me that I get on his nerves and a lot of things I do are irritating. He told me that I’m too nice to him. He was all drunk and cut up from running around in the woods. His brother is an asshole. Hopefully the mosquitos won’t be too bad.

I am an annoying stranger. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I drank two and shot-gunned one. I feel like I’m really in control. I feel like I’ve really screwed up. I hate him. I hate it. I hate myself for saying that. I hate this!!! I hate this. I have no money. I have no regrets. I’m sitting in a van in a parking lot in Springfield. It was awful. It was nice. It was really nice. It’s 9:40 and nothing is going on, so we’re all just sitting around on the couches at the Chez. It’s something that has to be done eventually, and I think I’m ready.

Last night we did laundry together. Last night when we were at the Blue Note, I started wondering about something, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. Less than five minutes later, she was drinking and smoking again. Luckily, she was drunk, so she won’t remember what she saw.

My car died for good last night. My purse was stolen Thursday night while I was playing piano for the high school choir concert.

Not a lot has happened.

Right? Right. Rose quartz is supposed to help you give and receive love more freely. Rumor has it that she has a disease, so he should keep his distance.

Saturday night we went to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Avalon. She backed out of the apartment. She knew what was going on. Stop.

The most entertaining part of the evening was when a girl in a bikini top and a tight miniskirt puked all over herself and slung it everywhere. The only problem is that I’m on the rag. The plan is to get down to 115 pounds. The Thursday night after I shaved my head, we went for a walk. They sent me a heart shaped crystal box. Thursday night I’m going to see Chick Corea. Today was my birthday. Tonight we’re going to race go-carts and rent movies. Two weeks from tomorrow I’ll be twenty years old.

Wait. We ate, drank some wine, and then smoked some pot. We drank some beer beforehand and afterwards. We sat under a tree on a blanket. We walked to the columns, and then we went to look at the babies at University Hospital. We went out to Pinn4cles, built a fire, and drank two cases of beer. We went to a store so he could get cigarettes. We were worried about him all night, and then we found him passed out. What a life! What a mess! What a weekend! What an asshole. When we got there, all of the lights were out. While we were at Denny’s, we discussed where the clitoris is. Wish me luck!

Yesterday was Earth Day. Yesterday we went to the art museum and to the planetarium. You mean a lot to me, mean a lot to me, a lot to me, to me, me.

Sheila Heti wrote in a journal for over a decade, uploaded it into Excel, sorted the sentences alphabetically, and released Alphabetical Diaries. I’m reading it right now and loving how you can get to know someone even when there is a complete lack of order. (Speaking of lack of order, do we need to talk about all the shit that’s happening in the world?! (We don’t. Not today.))

I’ve been writing in a journal since I was 11, but the only notebook that still exists (because I had a book burning!) is the one that goes from February 16, 1990 to March 17, 1991. The journal is absolutely horrible. I was absolutely horrible. (I used the word Whore a lot.)

Earlier this week I went through the first 52 pages of that journal, typed the sentences that couldn’t be used to identify anyone(!!!), and alphabetized them. AND that’s what falls below the horizontal line (along with some photos from the past several months, because photos add color, especially if they aren’t black and white). Enjoy hanging out with 19-year-old me.

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Afterwards we went back to our hotel room. All I can do is watch it happen. Although I never did the duty, I’m honored to have been chosen. At one point we got out the Ouija board. At one point, it got really quiet.

But there was no way I was going to go with these feelings, so I got comfortable and slept. But, instead of stopping, I kept going. But there’s a problem.

Does it sound like I’m trying to talk myself into something?!

Especially since I am almost 20 years old.

He said, “I think people feel uncomfortable around me because I was in a psych ward.” Help. His cheeks get really red when he’s cold.

I better stop now. I can deal with him, but not for very long periods of time. I fell asleep on the chair. I find it hard to look at him because he always seems to have crusty things on his mouth. I found this out the hard way. I got my highest score ever! I have no goals. I shaved my head. I tried again right away and got through. I watched a movie today called When Harry Met Sally.

I’ll never forget Fred and Ginger. I’m home for spring break until next Sunday. I’m tired.  If love has got you down, then love can get you right back up! It’s a formal party.

Kodo is a Japanese percussion ensemble.

Last night I got drunk at the doghouse. Last night I saw Ladysmith Black Mambazo. Let’s go to the hospital and look at the babies.

Nothing looks right, and I feel really stupid.

Please burn my pictures and any other things that remind you of me. Pretty soon, I acted like I had fallen asleep.

She tells me that it’s for me, and that it’s a man. She was high, and he was drunk. So, we’re supposed to get together and talk sometime today. Sort of strange, but in a good way.

Thank you for the purple cow. The line was busy. The whole drug dealing thing turns me off. Then we all laid around on the floor. They were all sleeping on the floor, so we had two beds for the four of us.

We all started talking, and I mentioned that I need a bed. We go to the park by the zoo and sit on a big blanket. We must have gotten a bad batch, so we didn’t have a very good time. We were drinking Kool-Aid and Everclear. We’re not going to do anything that costs money, because neither of us has any. Well, that’s bullshit.

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Next up, pages 53-112.
Maybe with more Whore!

1. I didn’t really have an embryonic parasite attached to my gallbladder, nor did I go to a slipshod surgical center to have my gallbladder removed with a plastic straw and a shop vac. I didn’t walk away from my surgery carrying a detestable gallbladder sucker baby named Leo who rides around in my glove box. I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

2. Did I maybe sever my eardrum with a Q-tip Saturday and then immediately poke myself in the eye with a mascara wand? Wait. I’m sorry. What did you say? I can’t see you!

Fluid Pudding. I Can No Longer Perform Self-Care.
2024, Mixed Media, Private Collection, Saint Louis.

(Bonus! Last night I chopped jalapeños, rubbed my eyes, and Mr. Magoo’d around the house for 30 minutes.)

3. I watched the entire “One Day” series on Netflix last week before realizing that I had read the (not great) book in 2009 and also watched the (horrible, but only because I think Anne Hathaway is despicable, and please don’t make me tell you why) movie in 2011. Ah, but my hand still shot up to my mouth as I whispered, “What the fuck?!” during the penultimate episode as if I didn’t know what was about to happen. (Because I didn’t!) If a musical based on the book/movie/series hits the stage in 2035, I will probably buy a ticket having no idea that I am very much familiar with the story. I’m out in left field, and we’ve no money for butter.

4. I don’t normally make book recommendations, but I recently finished Beautyland, and I loved it. You’ll have to trust me on this, because when I tell you that it’s about an alien girl who reports on the human race to her alien family using a fax machine that her Earth mother found in the neighbor’s trash, I know at least five of you will be like, “Yeah. No.” BUT, the book was written by Marie-Helene Bertino (one of my favorite writers), and she uses words the way I wish I could use words, and to give you a taste of that, here are a few of the (many) sentences I underlined while reading:

“You can never look bad when you’re doing something for yourself.” Adina immediately thinks of exceptions. Murder. Incest. Murdering someone on your way to commit incest.

To express appreciation, human beings hit their hands together. The more they appreciate it, the harder and longer they hit.

Mother’s sound is, Don’t start, you don’t even wear the ones you have, I could make that for half the price, anyway, it’s ugly as sin. Daughter’s sound is, Chicken again?

5. I went to a Subtronics show last month and it was crowded (!) and loud (!) and I loved it so much—mainly because I’m old, so experiencing something unlike anything I’ve experienced before is rare. This video shows one of the more mellow concert moments. (The less mellow moments might induce a seizure, and I don’t feel like posting a disclaimer, so you get what you get.)

The crowd was encouraged to jump, but my legs tend to break. Instead of taking the risk, I spent the entire evening shaking my head up and down (YESYESYES) and back and forth (NONONO) with a smile on my face that made my cheeks hurt for days. (I’m not much of a smiler. I guess I could work on that, but not smiling has gotten me this far, so I think I’m good.)

6. Supposedly, today is National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day. You know what that means.

This will catch you up: Last August I had an ache in my stomach (I don’t like the looks of the word stomachache) that I couldn’t fix. The nurse practitioner said, “It’s reflux.” I said, “It doesn’t feel like reflux.” She said, “Here. Take these reflux pills. In fact, take them for several months.” After four months I stopped taking them and went back to the office. I said, “I’m sort of wondering if this is a gallbladder thing.” Two weeks ago the nurse practitioner ordered an ultrasound and it showed my gallbladder acting all thick-headed and stoned. Ten days ago I met with a surgeon who five days ago (1/26) gifted me with a King of Pop nap right before he sucked my gallbladder out through my belly button (Billy Pancake for those who remember). My scars are gross and I’m sore and cranky and it’s all so boring, so let’s post a photo that shows the location of my scars (do NOT look under that tongue!), and then talk about how things could have been different.

During the months of August, September, October, November, and December, I spent quite a bit of time lying on my back in the dark and thinking about what might be happening beneath my skin. (I don’t sleep well.) Obviously (obviously!), most of the scenes I pictured ended in my demise.

Here are a few things that I imagined were happening somewhere in my abdominal region:
Intestinal obstruction which will surely lead to sudden gastrointestinal death. (Apparently it happens a lot in Tunisia. I’ve never been, but I’ve also never taken a 23andMe test.)

Gastric Dilatation-Volvulus (GDV), which is that thing that happens to Great Danes when their stomachs flip and cut off blood flow to the pancreas, leading to the release of toxic hormones that immediately stop the heart. (The doctor who did my most recent colonoscopy told me that maneuvering his way through my intestines reminded him of driving on mountain switchbacks. That can’t be good.)

Stage 4 Cancer of Something Deep Inside, the diagnosis of which leads to my mailbox filling with recruitment materials from terrorist organizations and suddenly I’m making very poor decisions that involve trading lots of dollars for a suicide bomber jacket.

And my favorite:
Unbeknownst to me, an embryo somehow escaped from my uterus many years ago (not unlike a cow who refuses to take a ride to the abattoir!) and has been living parasitically off of my gallbladder for decades. Although tiny, he is also very fat due to a daffy duct feeding him the lipids that the gallbladder can’t break down. Because of a health insurance glitch, I have to take it upon myself to get some sort of imaging done to figure out what’s going on. An MRI is a very expensive test, so I find the cheapest option that still seems kind of on the up and up.

“A fetal fuel filter?!” I cry as I attempt to go from lying on the floor to standing without looking too herky-jerky. (These bargain MRI joints rarely have sliding beds for the scans (the floors are mostly clean, though), and instead of operating MRI machines, the employees simply look you over while wearing swim goggles. No masks, gloves, or Merck Manuals in sight, but you really can’t beat the price. Two stars.)

Ace: Yep. A fetal fuel filter, also known in medical circles as a gallbladder sucker baby. Have a seat on that milk crate over there and I’ll draw a picture of your GSB so you can show your family what’s going on.

I sat down on the crate and watched Ace as he pulled a Sharpie from his back pocket and proceeded to draw a terrifying image on the back of a Jimmy John’s menu.

Ace: Cute little fella, right?

Me: Fella?

Ace: The fugitive fetal fuel filters, also known in medical circles as gallbladder sucker babies? Always boys. 100%.

Me (suddenly feeling very protective of my GSB): I think I’ll name him Galileo. Leo for short. And now that I’ve named him, I think I love him. So, what’s the next step?

Ace: Well, there’s more than one answer to that question, pointing you in a crooked line. But if you’ve got a minute, I can get Todd in here to suck out your GSB. He’ll have you back on the road in about an hour.

Fast forward through the next 45 minutes during which I met Todd (he had a beard down to his knee), who gave me a (mostly clean, like the floor) sock (to bite for the pain, like they did during the Civil War when medical supplies ran low) before MacGyvering a plastic straw (not a turtle lover, that Todd) to a shop vac, jamming it into my belly button (Billy Pancake for those who remember), and removing Galileo (and my fritzed gallbladder!).

Todd: You can get up off the floor whenever you’re ready, and if you need a Band-Aid they’re over there in the cabinet. First one’s on the house. Give me five minutes to free the GSB from his host. Grab a doughnut if you’re hungry.

Five minutes later I heard a piercing cry coming my fugitive fetal fuel filter (also known in medical circles as my gallbladder sucker baby).

Todd: Done! As soon as you finish up that long john, you can take the little guy home. They don’t make car seats for GSBs, so just stick him in the glove box.

You guys.
Meet Leo.
(2021-D Lincoln shield penny added for scale)

He’s featherbrained, unambitious, tiny (yet huge!), and I’m beginning to dislike him already.

On September 19, 2001, I was sitting at my desk in Nashville, Tennessee getting ready to proofread some back cover copy for a gardening publication. The small independent publishing house where I worked had recently been sold to Big Bible, and I really hated moving from my cozy upstairs office in the little house in Franklin to the huge smelly building where I sat in a cubicle across from a girl who was planning her wedding and was So Pissed that 9/11 might screw things up for the folks in New York who worked at the CASTLE where her wedding was being held. (Had my face frozen the way it was often positioned in those days, my eyes would be watching my brain and my mouth would be permanently agape in one of those “What the fuck?!” positions.)

I was also planning an out-of-town wedding at the time, and my planning (mostly carried out through phone calls) went a little more like this.

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Me: Hello, Bevo Mill. I’d like to have my wedding reception at your place. Do you have any upstairs ballroom dates available sometime in the next six months?

Bevo Mill: Our basement is open on October 20th.

Me: October 20th in the basement. Perfect!

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Me: I’d rather not be married in a church.

Everyone: But you sort of have to, because you have a family member who is the president of the church so it’s kind of a thing, plus: It’ll be cheap.

Me: Fine. Let’s just do this.

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The carrot cake couldn’t be ordered without raisins because it was from a box mix. The pianist canceled two weeks before the wedding because he was in a car wreck during which he cracked his shoulder, broke several ribs, and got gasoline in his eyes. The dead deer heads couldn’t be removed from the walls of the Bevo Mill basement because they were bolted. We told the DJ to not play The Duck Dance or the Macarena. He played both! (Please know that I’m one of the most easy going people you’ll probably never meet. I’m not sure if you’re glue, but I’m definitely rubber. The main purpose of the day was to get married, and that we did. Aces.)

I’ve departed from the point of this post, but I think I need to ride this one out. Are you with me?

Fast forward to the wedding day, also known as the day the pastor told us that the photographer isn’t allowed inside the sanctuary, so all ‘walking down the aisle’ photos would have to be staged in the gathering hall. (At this point we were blind puppets dodging cans of beans in our formal wear.)

The pastor (who was told to NOT include the word Obey during ANY part of the ceremony), during the ceremony: Ephesians 5:24 tells us that wives should obey their husbands in everything, just as the church obeys Christ.

Me (in my head): Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Pastor: DANCE, MONKEYS, DANCE!

Towards the end of the ceremony the pastor asked us to touch our heads together (which seemed dangerous, as I was wearing a tiara because I was a pretty princess at age 31) so he could lay his preacher scarf (which I just learned is actually called a tippet) on top of us. This was NOT part of the rehearsal, and had the photographer actually been allowed to shoot inside the sanctuary, right here is where I would post a photo of us looking completely bewildered—like freshly broken wild horses. But instead, I will post the first song to the CD I was listening to in my car pretty much non-stop back then. Because it’s beautiful.

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Back to September 19, 2001! Instead of proofing the copy, I decided to start an online diary (Have I told you that I was recently diagnosed with Significant Inattentive ADHD? It’s true!), and that’s when Fluid Pudding was born. 22 years ago today.

The first entry is here and it’s slop, and again: It was intended to be more of a diary than a blog. BUT, a few people bumped into it and then a few years later it grew a little and here we are. Because of this site I’ve been able to do some pretty amazing things. (Wait. Do any of you remember the time I got a bunch of death threats after I joked about eating like a shark at a fast food restaurant? That was weird.) Also, because of this site, I’ve been able to be in touch with some of my very favorite people. And that includes you.

In case you were wondering, the Rattlesnake Bit the Baby video (along with the video of me stuffing marshmallows into my mouth) is by far what most people mention when they talk to me about Fluid Pudding.

Thank you for being patient and hanging around.
I appreciate it more than you know.

Two or eight years ago (time is wily) I visited Chicago and fell in love with many things (banh mi! the clock towers! how a Picasso can be a horse, a woman, and a place to sit!), but mostly with this:

Street art nearly always makes me pause, but this particular piece made me stop and feel. So many stories in her eyes. The subtle shapes providing light to her skin. That scarf. (That scarf!) Have you ever wanted to invite a painting out for coffee? (I think she would go for a macchiato, and then we would sit and talk about the latest Colson Whitehead novel. She would agree that it felt a little scattered until the final third of the book, but when everything started coming together it was like, “Yep, here we go! Colson Whitehead has done it again!”)

When I returned home, I did a little research and learned that the artist is Erik T Burke. I also learned that he visited St. Louis in 2014, allowing himself 48 hours for street art activism in response to the murder of Michael Brown. Erik was selling art on his site, so I bought a print of The Act is the Whole Point of It. It’s hanging in our dining room, and when I look at it I can hear kids playing, bottles clinking as they hit the pavement, a distant siren… Can you smell the inside of the building? I think it smells like beef stew and wet newspapers. Maybe just a slight hint of your grandma’s perfume. It’s dismal. It’s hopeful. And so were/are we.

(Image by Erik T Burke via eriktburke.com)

I kept going back to the photo of my blue lady for several weeks after returning home from Chicago, so I did what any knitter would do: I studied the photo and ordered a skein of yarn to match every color shown in the stripes of her scarf.

I’ve been working on this project off and on for the past two (or eight) years, and I love watching it grow.

(A scarf knit on circular needs can be anything you want it to be, including a badass thigh-high leg warmer.)

Back in July when Tempe and I went to Chicago, I took the scarf (still not finished) so I could get a photo of it with the painting. On our way out of town, we drove down 16th street with the plan of parking the car, grabbing a quick photo, and then hitting the road.

We traveled up and down the street a few times, but I didn’t see the painting. I saw others that I recognized, but I didn’t see Her. When I started questioning if we were in the right area, I noticed this:

It’s her ear. IT’S HER EAR, and it’s covered with graffiti. I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I think it sounded something like, “Ack! NO! Damnit! Shit!”

I understand that street art is ephemeral, but I wasn’t prepared to see the woman who moved me so much (along with the rest of the mural) covered up with a gigantic MUNDO LIBRE. (And I suppose it IS a free world. But is it? (It’s not. Ask Neil Young.))

Two months have passed, and I’m still allowing myself to feel bummed out. (And, yes. There are more lofty things for which to be bummed, but I can’t really concern myself with next year’s election just yet.) AND, just because the mural is covered doesn’t give me the right to suck at photo editing. Or does it?

At least we existed at the same time.
And now I need to finish that scarf.

While watching the news this morning, I was surprised to see a colorful Death Matters mug sitting in front of the meteorologist. (1. If there are mugs in sight, they typically hold the station’s logo. 2. Death Matters? (Sure it does, and an exit plan is important, but still. Weird.)) After a short weather update, Antoine Stormcloud (let’s pretend that’s his name) held the mug up and said, “I want to thank our producer for giving me this mug today before the show. He knows I love this time of year.” What? Really: What?! I paused the television (because we live in a magical world) and walked the six steps required to put face to screen. Sweater Weather. The mug said Sweater Weather and I’ve been wearing the same glasses for three years now. Time to make a call.

Fluid Pudding is dusty and smells like Doritos and gin, and most of us haven’t played games over here in four months. BUT in 2038 I know I’m going to wonder if it’s true that I once stood in a room with a prisoner and a Mennonite. That’s when I’ll slowly hobble my way over to Fluid Pudding and: Yes! It is true, and it happened on September 11, 2023.

Here’s all the stuff I may want to remember:

Harper finished high school in January and then worked nearly full time as a barista until she officially graduated in June and then moved into her dorm in August. That sentence holds a lot of life stuff, and Harp handled every bit of it with intelligence, humor, and grace.

Everyone: Oh, man. You’re empty nesters now. HOW IS THE EMPTY NEST, EMPTY NESTERS WHO ARE EMPTY NESTING IN THE EMPTY NEST?!

Me: If we decided to live our lives according to sitcom tropes, I would be drinking wine from a jug as I sob and flip through old baby photos. BUT, I don’t drink wine, my meds don’t allow me to cry, and most of the girls’ baby photos were lost several years ago when our iMac crashed.

Here is a photo that loosely represents my life as an empty nester who is empty nesting:

Back in June, Tempe and I went to prison. We also went to a Yayoi Kusama exhibit, a swoon-inducing pen store, a tiny Amélie-esque café, a museum of surgical science, and a really great neighborhood bar.

The above scene took place at the bar, and it is the perfect example of why you should never send away the weasel. (Related: I saw Ani DiFranco last night, and during the show she said, “I’m at the age where if it’s a good story, that’s all that matters.” I’m sure Ani is not a weasel sender. (She also said, “I’ve never taken a poll.” and I giggled like an 11-year-old boy because Meredith’s friend had purchased a round of kamikaze shots for the table, Poll sounds like Pole, and I’m a lightweight.))

Kusama at WNDR!

Joliet Prison! (We pronounced it HO-lee-yet, not because it’s correct, but because it’s funny.)

Rough Segue: SPEAKING of PRISON!
(Search Words for 2038 Me: Prisoner! Mennonite! (Also, Hi. Are you happy? If you made it this far but can’t do the math for whatever reason, you’re 68 now. And while we’re talking about math, did you ever figure out how to construct the equation about driving X mph until there are X miles to go? Also, do you still have that weird freckle on your leg?))

It sounds dumb to say things like:

• “He’ll be a great president because he’s reading a book about Reaganomics!”
• “We captured the fugitive and then decided it would be really cool to take a group photo with him! Say CHEESE, motherfuckers!”
• “Hopefully I’ll see you back here before another four months go by!”

When you noticed that I updated my website today after not writing anything for nearly five months, you probably thought, “Yeah, this is going to be about Heather Armstrong.” Well, you’re wrong. (You’re not completely wrong. It was going to be about Heather, but singing another song about her isn’t going to help anyone. She’s dead and it’s horrible and I wish it wouldn’t have happened, but it did.)

The words you’re reading right now replaced the big long paragraph I wrote about starting Fluid Pudding in 2001. In that paragraph I said something about Heather’s site, and I even worked in a fuse-box/breaker-tripping metaphor that I hated almost immediately. (You would have hated it, too.) Anyway, it was a really bad paragraph. We’re all better off without it.

Here’s something.  My doctor put me on a quick run of amphetamines, and my God I love amphetamines. They make me feel less hungry, my focus is a spotlight instead of a swinging lantern, and I don’t have to pull over and nap at truck stops if I’m driving for more than 30 minutes. I’ll be taking the final pill early tomorrow morning. If you hear a strange sound at around 0600 CST, it’s just me singing “Someone’s crying, Lord, kumbaya…”

(You can ask questions about the amphetamines, but I’m probably not going to answer the questions.)

Here’s something else. Instead of knocking on our door, our HOA (three cranky old men with clipboards) reported us to The County a few weeks back because they think we need to paint our fence. (Our fence is a good fence in need of a little stain. It is not the dilapidated eyesore they are making it out to be. Ah, but good fences do not make good neighbors, Robert Frost. Only impeccable fences make good neighbors.) The County is now presenting us with documents and using words like Defendant and Citation and Fine (as in “pay this fine” and not “your fence is so fine”) and none of this would truly bother me, except look:

This photo, taken last week, shows me staining the fence. The second letter from The County (with our court date and fine total) arrived today. It was mailed two days ago. The HOA is not recognizing our efforts and I’m pissed and get off my lawn and everyone can go to hell, et cetera.

Maybe I’ll write again soon and maybe I’ll write again never. Regardless, it’s always good to see you.