Fists and Books and Meningitis and Mountains

Twice in the past week, I’ve run across a medical question for which the answer is “Insert a fist into the vagina.” Granted, I’m working on a maternal health freelance project, but still! Twice in one week! What could it mean?! (I know what it *actually* means. It’s fairly self-explanatory with a fist and a vagina. I’m talking about *cosmic* meaning.)

I took Harper to the orthodontist on Tuesday and it’s time for braces! The financial side of this is a bit bothersome (!!!), but was made slightly less painful when I learned that the orthodontist feels the same way I do about Dave Eggers. Heroes of the Frontier? Not so great. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius? Great, if read at a time when it hits you as great. Timing is everything. Always. Always! (Don’t get me started on Hugh Everett and/or astral projection. Unless you WANT to get me started, Mick Jagger.)

This morning I drove 20 miles south for a flu shot, and I’m afraid it gave me a bit of meningitis. (I’m probably exaggerating.) When I go hard core with heavy medical freelance deadlines, I tend to up my impressionability levels (which are shockingly high even when I’m NOT going hard core with heavy medical freelance deadlines). This afternoon I’ll be working on a chapter about spinal cord injuries, which I think means we need to invest in some bubble wrap.

My family has a big case of the Let’s Get The Hell Out Of Heres. Luckily, the girls have a ten day fall break coming up. All I want to do is lie on the grass and look at a mountain. Bonus if it’s capped with snow. Double bonus if I’m drinking something warm. Triple bonus? Cardigan and no one is crabby and maybe a sandwich or beer float is coming my way.

Wait. Do I need this? And when I say need, what I really mean is want. (I’m pretty sure my answer is Yes.)

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While I’ve got you here, let me toss a few more photos at you to prove that I exist!

My yoga buddy knows that I’ve filled our kitchen window with creamers, even though I really hate the word creamer. Because of her kindness, I now have a dachshund in the window!

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And because Tempe knows where the cool kids buy their shirts, I now have a Barb shirt!

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And because Chip sleeps like this on my side of the bed, I’m not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time.

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The makeup app I was using in my most recent post? It doesn’t work on dogs, but it works on creepy doll photos.

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Fun fact: The first movie I saw at a drive-in was Westworld when I was four years old, and I really need to see it again.

Now go and enjoy your weekend. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

You wanted way too many photos of me? Well, you’ve come to the right place!

On September 19 I celebrated my 15 year anniversary at Fluid Pudding. Oh, but let’s get something clear. A quinceañera, there was not. In fact, I didn’t even realize that it was the anniversary until the anniversary date had passed. No parades. No cake. No “Oh, the places we’ve been” post.

I *did* downloaded a free makeup app on the 19th. It’s called MakeupPlus and it started off innocently enough, as most things do. (Brows! Lashes! Weird shade of pink on my lips!)

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It didn’t take long for me to peek over the edge of Mount Going Too Far.

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Long story shortened: Here I am with a beard.
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Also, I drank a drink for the first time in two and a half years over the weekend. The following photo is a huge exaggeration.

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(Reality: I don’t believe I finished half of the bottle, and I drank it out of what Meredith called “a Jesus glass,” because we are Team Lord’s Supper 24/7 around here.)

On Tuesday night, my yoga partner and I decided to skip yoga in favor of supporting local businesses. In other words: Out for drinks at VB Chocolate Bar, which is about a ten minute drive from my house!

This is an ice cream float made with homemade salted caramel ice cream and O’Fallon Vanilla Pumpkin Beer. (I had two, because I tend to lose control when I’m skipping yoga and shooting breezes.)

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Let’s see. What else? Jeff and I went to a Tuesday morning showing of the latest Blair Witch! (Wait a second. Is that a PERSON in what I thought was an empty photo?! Who IS that?! Could it be THE BLAIR WITCH?!?!?!)

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((It’s not the Blair Witch.))
As you can probably imagine, the theater was not crowded.

I’ve signed on (nothing was actually signed) for NaBloPoMo in November, but would you rather I do it in October? You tell me. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.

Disappointing: Finding out that three students from your girls’ middle school brought BB guns into the building today, which was also the day of the active shooter drill. (Let me repeat that. Today was the active shooter drill, where the following announcement is made to the students: “Attention. Attention. This is an active shooter drill. Take immediate action. Lockdown. Lockdown. Lockdown. Again, this is a drill. Please assume your lockdown positions.”) As I was sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee and writing e-mails, my kids were pretending that a shooter was in the building, while three POTENTIAL shooters WERE in the building. (With BB guns. I know.)

Also Disappointing: Our school probably won’t make the BB gun kids go through “three minutes alone in a small room with some of the meaner parents whose kids go to that middle school” as a punishment. Also, there will be no Shirley Jackson “The Lottery” reenactment with the BB gun kids playing the role of Tessie Hutchinson.

Clarification: I’m the least violent person you sort of know. I don’t really buy into the eye for an eye thing. Not a big fan of the death penalty. This morning I spent 45 minutes trying to coax a fly out of an open window because he seemed slow and I wanted him to get some fresh air.

Jeff: Did they taze the offenders?
Me: I’m sort of hoping they shot them in the kneecaps with their own BB guns. (But not really. But sort of.)

I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

As of last night, my Yoga for a Happy Life class is halfway over. And that’s just fine because sometimes it feels more like Twister than yoga. “Get into a low lunge with your left leg back. Now lift that back leg.” (Try it. It’s impossible. Also impossible? My ability to not laugh when asked to do something like lifting my back leg when I’m in a low lunge.)

This is happening right now.

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This was finished while watching CNN and drinking coffee this morning.

Icy Tiller

This is next.

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I need to come around here more often. By the way, the fly DID make it out the window. (Some of you were wondering. I just know it.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Fragmented ideas are nothing to be embarrassed about.

As I drank my coffee and ate my Larabar this morning, I realized that I’m interested in buying a set of the breathing Fruit of the Loom boy shorts. (I’m pulling out all the stops over here. I’m also pulling out all of the underpant parts that are currently not breathing.) I tell you this information only because I want to know if you’ve tried them and like them (breathing underpants!), and also: Are we boycotting Fruit of the Loom? The Honduras thing was a really long time ago, right? (Question: Where is Google when you need it? Answer: It’s the third tab on the top of my screen, but I’m so tired.)

This is my new favorite shirt.

Stranger Things, Winona...

It arrived on Tuesday and the seam on the bottom ripped out on Wednesday. I don’t mind the ripped seam. (I purposefully ordered the green version so it looks like I’m bedecked for Christmas when December rolls around.)

(My other Christmas shirt:

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I wore it to clean up pancake messes during a Breakfast with Santa event, which is something I hope to never do again. I can eat 4,392 pancakes without dripping syrup onto the floor. Apparently, not many people in my town share this ability. Sticky-faced dribbling monsters.)

You want more photos of stuff? Oh! Okay!

This is the book I’m reading right now:

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It’s by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and I was told that she writes like me (or that I write like her) and if that’s true, my heart just grew three sizes because I am enjoying the heck out of this book.

Why I Want to be Friends with Amy Krouse Rosenthal:

1. One of the very first people mentioned in the book is Sei Shonagon. I am obsessed with Sei Shonagon because in my (tiny) mind, she was the original mish-mash writer, which is what I consider myself to be. Zuihitsu! (God bless you!)

2. Amy Krouse Rosenthal (AKR) shares a birthday with Meredith.

3. AKR has a birthmark shaped like Africa. SO DO I.

4. AKR makes me want to write more, because with this book she has taught me that it’s okay to not be able to write a short story. (Wait. I’m positive *she* can write a short story.)

One more thing.
Do you remember when I chased this receipt around a parking lot?

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I wonder what ever happened to that guy. I hope everything turned out okay. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>