(The (very wise and somewhat spunky) woman who helped me choose my frames told me that you live only once. (She actually said “You only live once” but I’ve never liked that arrangement of words.) She then told me that these frames are “perfectly severe” on me. I’ve never been described as perfectly severe, but I liked it. 2017: The Year of Perfectly Severe Angela D. (Side Note: Step one in my quest to become Iris Apfel? Complete.))
December 18th, 2016 · 7 Comments · Daily
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December 15th, 2016 · 15 Comments · Daily
In the spring of 1989, a friend called in the middle of the night to see if I wanted to go out for coffee. I changed out of my pajamas and walked across the street to his dorm, where he told me that I looked like Tracy Chapman. (Fast Car was a big deal back then.) 27 years have passed, and I still don’t see the resemblance.
I walked (very reluctantly) around the mall a few weeks back, and while there I saw a shirt that said “Another Day, Another Slay.” A few minutes later, I saw an “Eat, Pray, Slay” shirt. Oh, people. I know we all secretly want to be Beyoncé, but you know what? We need to just settle down and try to be the best version of ourselves.
The oldest note on my phone is from 12/19/12. It simply says “Jammy Weaselheimer.” I have no idea what it means, and I won’t delete it in case it ever comes up.
Yesterday I wrote something that included an imaginary shivering friend named Darius and my magical ability to stash beans in secret places. I either need to 1) Stop being so afraid to write short stories, and/or 2) Read more Tom Robbins novels. (Wait. Is Tom Robbins *really* 84? (And am I *really* 46?))
NEWSWORTHY ANNOUNCEMENT: Next Wednesday (12/21) will be the one year anniversary for me growing out my hair. (It’s a very big deal, right? Nothing else is going on in the world, right? CNN what? Syria who? Trump how? Russia when?)
Today I look like this:
(Confession: I don’t *really* look like this. The mascara is totally fake, and I applied the filter that seemed the most flattering. I’m not trying to fool anyone over here. I’m just trying to look scruffy glam. (Always and forever scruffy glam.) Also, it’s 18 degrees outside which means it was time to drag out the huge scarf! WINTER!)
Somebody tell me how to grab some Christmas spirit, because I’m idling at zero over here. (Tori Amos is currently playing as my background music. She’s definitely not helping me with her nine-inch nails and little fascist panties.)
Old man, look at my life. I’m a lot like you were.
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December 7th, 2016 · 7 Comments · Daily
After that, I sat in a chair and let this guy do this thing. (It’s Zach Galifianakis!)
Gauze and trash bags on my arm.
I promise I will do no harm.
My big black puffy coat is warm.
Someone ring the cheese alarm.
Thus it is, and so it goes.
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November 30th, 2016 · 13 Comments · Daily
A few years ago, a friend of mine created an amazing piece of art with vegetables. She posted a photo to Facebook and one of the first comments was, “You have too much time on your hands.” I exploded with anger. (I’m only slightly exaggerating.) We all have the same amount of time. (Give or take, but you know what I’m saying.) Some people use it to check their phones. Some people use it to make vegetable art. Admittedly, I didn’t use much of my time in November to deal with NaBloPoMo. Nevertheless, here we are, and so we go.
Tomorrow is a bit of a monumental day for me. (Feel free to start organizing a marching band for a morning parade. I’ll be home until 750.) One of my very favorite people and I found ourselves eating quiche (crustless!) a few weeks back and we threw around sentences like, “I’m sick of not doing yoga and then feeling guilty so I park in front of the pantry and punish myself with Oreos” and “I need to be creating more things and worrying less about what people think of my creations” and “I must not be happy in ways that I don’t even understand because I spend my days moping around and I have no idea why.”
I could go on and on. (Truthfully, I brought up Oreos more than once.) If I *did* go on and on, I’m afraid I would bore you. (Why am I so worried about boring you?! Oreos? May I have some?)
Tomorrow. December 1, 2016.
I’m going to:
… redo Yoga Camp because I love it and it makes me happy.
… work on changing some unhealthy habits because I’m tired of feeling guilty.
… try to get a grip on the weirdo things that give me anxiety.
… forgive myself for screwing up, because I screw up all of the time.
… write. Hopefully, every day. Here sometimes. Other places more times.
… get a B12 shot so I have enough energy to do all of these things.
If there is anything you need to work on, feel free to join me tomorrow. New Year’s Resolutions are for assholes. (LOOK AT ME! I’M FINDING MY AUTHENTIC VOICE! I’m going to: … find my authentic voice!) ((New Year’s Resolutions aren’t really for assholes. I just wanted to sound tough and use more ellipses.))
I hope you’re ready for December. I’m never ready for anything, but I need to take better care of myself so I can take better care of anyone who needs it.
All of that, plus even MORE good sentences in my ears. There’s nothing I love more than good sentences in my ears.
Thank you for tagging along during NaBloPoMo!
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November 29th, 2016 · 5 Comments · Daily
I never skip over an analysis of To Kill a Mockingbird. (For those of you who aren’t in the know, my 11-year-old daughter is named after Harper Lee. Shortly after we brought her home from the hospital we discovered that she was born on Harper Lee’s birthday. She’s a great writer. Also, my firstborn dog’s name is Scout. She’s feisty.) Anyway, I’m not sure how I missed this, but I’m so glad it came into my life at 6:58 this evening.
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November 28th, 2016 · 8 Comments · Daily
Several years ago, Harper made a list of the things I love the most during the Christmas season.
This morning I found the list in a cookbook I was using to make a big batch of bean chili. (Five different types of beans! Black! Pinto! Kidney! Garbanzo! Lentils!) The list made me happy because: 1. Harper’s handwriting, and 2. All still true.
After deciding that I didn’t have time to make the chili (tomorrow IS another day!), I jumped into the car and drove to my annual gynecological appointment and although I arrived early, I ended up being two minutes late because the player piano was doing some sort of jazz number and I was all in.
Here’s a fun story! When I was sitting on the exam table wearing nothing but a paper skirt, I looked across the room and noticed this bottle. Because I need a new pair of glasses, I thought it said “Cervical Yuck” and what an amazing product to have in a gynecological office! I’m very sad to report that it doesn’t say Cervical Yuck at all.
When you don’t have a cervix (like me!), the annual appointment is a fairly easy one. (No cervical yuck!) BUT, when the doctor starts throwing around words like Perimenopause and phrases like “can last for seven years” and “you are in it” I tend to make unpleasant faces.
Last night I found my white robe and the matching white headband that the girls absolutely despise. I wear that headband as much as I can during the holiday season because Mere Exposure Effect.
I dare you to tell me that I don’t look like a snow princess in that headband. (I’m not really daring you. I’m sort of sensitive these days.) Anyway, as perimenopause continues, Harper believes that I will start having demon fits, and she illustrated those fits by doing this to my photo.
Sadly, she might not be far off. Please stay tuned for the next seven years. (Meredith will be 20! Harper will be 18! I’ll look like Beautiful Snow Princess Dave Navarro!)
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November 27th, 2016 · 5 Comments · Daily
All of the ends are woven in.
All puppies have been hugged.
I drank hot tea with thumbholes in my shirt.
And now I’m creatively drugged.
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November 26th, 2016 · 8 Comments · Daily
“Skating” from A Charlie Brown Christmas was playing at Barnes and Noble. It was preceded by “Me and Charlie Brown” from the same album. Meredith knows that “Skating” is the second song on the album. She also knows that “My Little Drum” is the third.
It’s once again time for the Little Drummer Boy Challenge.
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November 25th, 2016 · 6 Comments · Daily
Cover illustration by Ralph Steadman!
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November 24th, 2016 · 5 Comments · Daily
At 9:00 this morning, Meredith and I camped out on the couch for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was knitting on the cowl, she was working on her laptop, and the parade was acting as our background music.
One of the first performances was from the cast of Holiday Inn.
Me: I’m not sure why, but this sort of thing always makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.
Meredith: I hate this. I would rather watch the Muppets singing for 45 minutes.
Me: Yes. Maybe.
Pretty soon I was all wrapped up in my knitting and she was no longer looking up from her laptop to see who was on the parade.
Someone singing on the television: Are you blind when you’re born? Can you see in the dark?
Meredith: That’s not funny, because I WAS. And now I’m offended.
At first I didn’t realize that Meredith was talking to the cast of Cats, but when I did? I laughed and laughed because she WAS nearly blind in her left eye when she was born, and her right eye was severely far-sighted. (More on that here.) And then I felt bummed out because I still harbor guilt about being the mom who didn’t realize that her kid couldn’t see.
Shortly after Meredith forgave the cats, Jeff returned home from his 5K (where he finished second in his age group), and Harper got out of bed to join us downstairs. We cleaned the house, a few of us showered, I threw together a green bean casserole, and ten people showed up for Thanksgiving dinner (which was really Thanksgiving lunch but I guess dinner sounds fancier). (We WERE burning candles. The kind of candles that crackle and pop!)
At 1:00, everyone filled themselves with one or more of the following items: green bean casserole and cranberry salad and regular salad and mashed sweet potatoes and mashed regular potatoes and bread and stuffing and parts of a dead bird. Afterwards, some of us watched a dog show while others chatted and someone cleaned and then three of us went to the gas station down the street for cash and ice cream and two people went upstairs and suddenly it was time for pie. Pumpkin and apple. Both delicious. Shortly after pie, Scout and Henry came back into the house and I removed the shock collar from Henry’s neck.
And then I put the shock collar around MY neck because what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and the best way to live your life is to choose the experience that will have the most anecdotal value.
The shock collar has a tiny red light on the top that lights up when a shock is administered. Henry has learned that when the shock collar is on, it’s best to not bark. I, however, haven’t learned a thing.
(Notice the red light after my third bark. That bark delivered a shock.)
I barked and shocked myself five times before admitting that it was more than I could take. And then I realized that I no longer remember how to drive a car. (In China, electroshock therapy is used to cure people who suffer from internet addiction. In other words? SO LONG, NABLOPOMO! I’ll see you on the 12th. OF NEVER!!!)
((I’ll see you tomorrow.))
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