I couldn’t tell her what you really do with it, because I hate the word “insert.”

I tell you the following story with a great deal of hesitance, because it touches on Female Stuff and Whatnot. (Please know that I still have a hard time saying the word Bra out loud, so speaking of The Monthly Event is not something I do lightly. (No pun intended, if there’s one hiding out somewhere in there.))

Anyway.

When it’s That Time Of The Month, I tend to keep a tampon (unused) in the front pocket of my jeans when I’m at home. We don’t have cabinets in our bathrooms, so I find that the pocket method is the safest way to go if I’m in need of a gear switch.

I didn’t realize that Meredith was completely aware of my pocket protection. I also didn’t realize that a five year old could be so in tune with my monthly mood changes. (There are so many things in life for which I was (or am) unaware. For instance, I just learned that orange juice tastes crappy after you brush your teeth because of the sodium lauryl sulfate contained in most toothpastes. Boring, but there you have it.)

Last night I was a bit stressed out about laundry and back to school and freelance projects and Christmas trees and just about anything else you can imagine. During one of my Puking o’ the Uglies, Meredith walked out of the room and returned with a tampon (unused). She reluctantly held it out to me and whispered, “Mommy, I think it’s time for you to eat your medicine.”

A few hours later, Meredith wrote a song. Sort of. And because I love it so much (you know, because I’m her mother or something), I think she should come out with a series of life lessons put to music that the five year olds would dig.

An Apple A Day from Angela D. on Vimeo.

And now I jump onto a completely different horse. I’m doing another giveaway thinger dinger in a few days, and it’s food! And it’s good! So keep in touch! (And eat your medicine.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

21 thoughts on “I couldn’t tell her what you really do with it, because I hate the word “insert.””

  1. I JUST said to my husband the other day “How do we explain periods to Ian?” Since I’m forever dragging him into ladies rooms and making him stand around while I…well, you know, go, and also, you know, DO THINGS. He’s three, he must have noticed at some point. But he has never asked, so we’re cool for the moment. I guess.

  2. I’m still stuck on (and laughing about) your explanation that the tampon in your pocket is UNUSED. Because I too would think I needed to insert that detail. ;)

  3. Just came across your blog through google reader. Hilarious post…looks like your kid is on her way to stardom – she even has a backup dancer.

  4. I love your children! And I love how Meredith is so in tune w/ you. My husband of ten years still doesn’t get it!

  5. That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Eat your medicine…hilarious. I admit that I was eagerly awaiting mention of the amazing edible tampon in her Apple song…a tampon a day keep’s Mom’s Uglies away.

  6. Hah! Your complete lack of awareness as to her astute awareness reminds me of the time I very nearly drove off the road upon hearing my then six-year-old son explain to his friends in the back seat of my car that he would never have a baby brother or sister because “My mom’s been spayed”

    (!!!!)

    Where (HOW) did he manage to pick up on (and translate to some semblance of first grade comprehension) **that** I ask you?

    Apples — they’re the new chocolate ;-)

  7. hahahahhahahahahahahahahaha whew, that’s funny stuff. you really need to tell her friends that one at her wedding shower. (btw I didn’t know sodium lauryl sulfate is what makes OJ taste bad after brushing your teeth but I did know it can cause canker sores!)

  8. My 20 month old daughter is very in tune with “female issues”. She has been aware of where to insert tampons for months. She will actually unwrap a tampon and try to “insert it”. It is rather funny. My favorite was when she was naked and lying on our bed with her head propped up on the pillow. It really gave her a great position to try and complete her task. Too funny!

    I also love the fact that there are words you don’t like to use. I am the same way. I will not use the F-word, as I call it. (the one that stands for gas). I just think it is a disgusting word. There are many others that rank in that category as well.

    I feel your pain, sister!

  9. Having spent most of Wes’s mobile years alone with him in a smallish apartment, and I tend to be on the rag for half of any given month, he became aware of tampons and their general use very early, and at 3 was helpfully advising, “Don’t forget to get a good tampon, mommy!”

    I say general use because several months back, we had to suddenly leave the mall because of, um, dramatic overflow issues. I was having trouble getting him into his carseat when he icily informed me, “Only my daddy can make me snug enough to be safe. And HE doesn’t always have blood coming out of his butt!”

    I have been deeply, bitterly jealous of my husband ever since.

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