Last week I stopped at a stoplight (as I often do), and for whatever reason, I reached up and rubbed my right eye. Suddenly, with my hand over my right eye, I could no longer read the Imo’s sign across the street and I Freaked Out (as I often do).
This is what it has been like to live with me during the past week: Please picture yourself sitting in our rocking chair and watching television. I’m sitting on the couch. A commercial comes on, and text flashes across the screen. From the corner of your eye, you see my right hand fly up to my right eye.
Me: I CAN’T READ THAT TEXT! IF I DIDN’T KNOW THOSE WERE WORDS I WOULDN’T KNOW THOSE WERE WORDS!!! WHAT DOES IT SAY?!?!
(Jeff has been carving the “Love is patient…” verse from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians into his left forearm with a dirty pocket knife as I sit on the couch screaming like Helen Keller at the running text on CNN. Anderson Cooper!)
I went to see an eye doctor yesterday morning, and I’m now carrying around a prescription for glasses. (If you’re craving details, please know that I’m astigmatic in my left eye, and my right eye vision is actually worse than my left—but neither eye is very bad. The astigmatism is throwing my brain off, which sparks my interest in many ways, most of which center around that headache I’ve been droning on about for the past six weeks.)
So, anyway. When it’s time to choose a pair of glasses, the best thing to do is take a photo of yourself and play on the computer in your kitchen, right? Right!
Okay, look. I know it’s not a great photo of me. You’re never going to get one of those, so let’s suck it up and concentrate on the glasses. I don’t mind these at all.
I mind these a little more. They’re too thin, maybe? I need some pressed powder for my nose.
Harper likes the orange frames the best. Pearle Vision is running a Buy One, Get One Free deal on frames. Even with that deal, I don’t believe I’ll go for the orange. They make me look like I’m a Celine Dion fan who’s trying really hard to carry off Funky, but everyone knows she has a sweatshirt at home that features a St. Bernard wearing a Santa hat. Am I right? Also, when did I start looking like Jeff Goldblum?
I just fell asleep. This is what I would look like if I fell asleep while wearing glasses!
AND, now I’m scared. This is fun, isn’t it?
My glasses have to look smart during my late night mustard drinking sessions!
I just made out with Ben Folds!
So, anyway. The eye doctor has made me promise to not call him if I reach for the pepper shaker and miss it for the first few days after getting the glasses.
Me: Can I call you if I fall down the stairs?
Him: No. Just wear the glasses and be careful. Your eyes and brain will adjust to any abnormalities you may sense at the beginning. Call me in a year and we’ll revisit the prescription.
Me: I fall down a LOT. I NEVER TOOK DANCE LESSONS!
Him: That’s great. Call me in a year.
23 thoughts on “Get ready to make passes. Or not.”
Are you looking for an opinion here? I don’t like to give unsolicited opinions, but you do look especially great in the “I’m scared” glasses.
Ooh, I like pair #5, although I think the orange pair is interesting.
I prefer the “I’m scared” frames too! Wait till you get progressive (fancy word for bifocals) lenses. I felt like a bobble head for 6 months!
You look like you’re having TOO MUCH fun! I’ve had bad eyes since second grade-got the first glasses then, wore contacts for over thirty years, then went back to glasses several years ago. I have lenses so thick they limited my frame selection.
Your doctor is right; you will get used to the glasses, but PLEASE be careful on the stairs!
Whenever I can’t see an Imo’s Pizza sign, I freak out and make major commitments to medical treatment. Somethin’ about Imo’s, man. Simpatico.
I think making out with Ben Folds might be fun. And missing while grabbing for the pepper shaker makes me think of Kids in the Hall.
(Girls with glasses are awesome)
Welcome to the Girls Who Wear Glasses Club! I like wearing glasses (mainly because I like to see things), and I especially like wearing funky glasses. Also, they make my nose look smaller.
I like the I’m Scared frames as well. Go with those and then bring the funky with your second pair!
I think I am with the majority. The “I’m Scared” glasses look pretty good. The falling asleep ones made me think of glasses my dad had in high school. Have you tried any of the ones without the frame along the bottom yet. I have some that I can use to drive at night and love not having the frame along the bottom edge.
Just chiming in to say that I have astigmatisms in both eyes. I found this out after weeks of a terrible headache. My vision is not so bad, but I have to wear glasses or I will (subconsciously) correct and develop that headache.
I hope this is the solution for you too!
Oh wow this made me laugh so hard! I’ll vote for the “i’m scared”/mustard drinking/ben folds making out with frames. (because look at all the fun things you can do in them!)(and because they look really good on you.)(“on” you)
yeesh enough with the parentheticals. Thanks for the mid-morning laugh. :)
#4, for sure. Ira Glass, FTW!
I like the first pair!
First, LOVE pair #5. Adorbs.
Second, I dont know if Dr. Man told you, but the first time you wear your glasses, it is best to wait until you wake up in the morning and then put them on first thing. Your eyes are rested and adjust to the change that an astigmatism-adjusting lens will put on you. Trust me, it’ll hurt a little (headache) but a lot shorter amount of time if you do it after your eyes haven’t been working all day! :)
(Trust me, I used to work at Lenscrafters.)
And via THAT, I wont comment on Pearle Vision. :) Unless you ask me to. :)
And yes, just wait for progressives. I’ve had them since I was 17. They are the BEST when you get used to them, but you do risk the usual—missing steps, falling off curbs, pouring coffee into your lap. :) It’s an adventure!
Another vote for the “I’m Scared” frames!
And if you want funkier glasses, go for the cheap-y online places like I do (just in case they are too funky and I don’t like them). I’ve ordered glasses for my son and me from zennioptical.com and have been really happy with what I’ve received.
Mustard drinking, hmmm? Beats pickled pigs feet, I suppose. And can I get Ben Fold’s number from you? Go with “I’m Scared”. God knows the rest of us are already!
Welcome to my world – glasses since I was 8, bifocals since my mid 40’s. I can’t read the big E on the chart. No lie.
Glasses make the world better. I like the first ones!
My favorite is pair #2 – the ones you think are too thin. I wore glasses from ages 9 to 25, when I got Lasik.
I like the I’m scared ones, too. Have you checked our http://www.warbyparker.com? PINK!!!!!!!!!!!
and I mean out – I am not affiliated with them in any way other than I gave them money and they gave me glasses
You look ridiculously hot in the ‘I’m scared’ glasses. LOVE them!
I like the scared glasses, too.
The summer after 7th grade we were at the mall and my dad was complaining that he thought geezerness was creeping up on him and his vision was going because he couldn’t read the board at the KaramelKorn shop down the way. And I said, “You can read that?” So I got glasses. Hideous ones. I have much better ones now.
I like the first one, the scared ones, or the sleepy ones.
Oh dear. Love.
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