Shorties can give you the whim-whams!

"Let's Panic" Winner!

EDITED TO ADD: A winner has been selected! Congratulations, Meg!!!

When I first found out I was pregnant with Meredith, it was early September and I was glowing and doing beautiful things like taking folic acid and pre-natal vitamins and eating lots of fruit to build the most perfect environment for the tiny miracle who was being sculpted in my precious uterine apartment.

At the end of October, when I was starting my second trimester, I had to have an emergency appendectomy. From that point forward, my pregnancy was filled with days spent on the couch and lots of moaning, and suddenly I had gained over sixty pounds with three months left to go, and SCIATICA!!! In other words, there’s a lot to expect when you’re expecting, and despite what you’re led to believe, not all of those forty weeks are spent standing in a meadow wearing a gauzy dress and holding a bouquet of fresh flowers while the wind gently caresses your enlarged (aka swollen and painful) chest and your glowing (often acne-ridden) face.

very pregnant

I had the final appointment with my obstetrician on my actual due date. I was eighty pounds up, and Meredith was measuring in at ten pounds. At the appointment my doctor threw around phrases like “perineal massage” and “pain threshold” and words like “episiotomy” and “ripping” and “stitches” and do you know me? Because if you know me, you know that I’m highly uncomfortable talking about body parts—especially if those body parts are (mostly) contained in my drawers. (People who really know me are furiously nodding their heads right now. Because They Know.)

Anyway, right after the appointment, my mom drove me to Houlihan’s, where I sat and stared at a French dip sandwich for thirty minutes as I pondered the ripping and the stitches. Before we left, I went to the restroom and BLOINK! I felt something fall out and splash. I prayed to God that it wasn’t the baby and at the same time I prayed to God that it WAS the baby, because That Was Easy! and I looked down and it was NOT the baby. It was—are you ready—my MUCOUS PLUG! And really? All I could do was: 1. Try to remember if I was supposed to somehow recover the mucous plug., and 2. Laugh. Maniacally. Because pregnancy can often be absurd. And there was really no way to prepare for the ludicrous side. Until now.

Friends, I’m here to announce that two of my very favorite people in the world have published a book (it was released today!) and that book is titled Let’s Panic About Babies! Alice and Eden have kept me in stitches (non-perineal) for years, and the thought of them writing a satirical pregnancy guide almost makes me want to get pregnant again. (It really does. Almost.) AND, the most excellent news? They’re letting me give a copy away here at Fluid Pudding! Between now and Friday (March 4), leave a comment below and at 11:00pmCST, I’ll fire up the random number generator to choose one of you to win! You don’t have to be pregnant to win! You don’t have to be a mom! You don’t even have to be a woman! You just have to be a Fluid Pudding reader. Because, to quote Charlie Sheen, Fluid Pudding readers are built with Adonis DNA.

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63 thoughts on “Shorties can give you the whim-whams!”

  1. I want to read this book almost as much as I want to read more about your pregnancy experiences…which = a lot. Yay!

  2. Me too Jana, although my last baby is currently sitting here next to me on the couch, loudly singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. I still want to read it!

  3. Oh, this would be a wonderful win/gift for my daughter-in-law who is currently in the process of hatching our first grandchild. After really scary premature contractions at 18 weeks, followed by three hospital stays to control recurrences of same, and on-going bed-rest to keep that little one secure and thriving, this mom-to-be could really use a couple of laughs!

    Three cheers for modern medicine, I say!!

    And three cheers for you for not letting that 80 lb gain define you forevermore!!!

  4. I just had a baby last month and have those same feelings about the strange things that happen to a person during pregnancy and childbirth. Holy crap, it’ll be a while before I let that happen again!

  5. I actually am pregnant, and not panicking nearly enough! Also, every other pregnancy book out there is awful.

  6. oh please. I need to have a laugh…. After my no 1 son told me with 25 minutes left of his half term holiday that he might have actually forgotten to do his work.

    25 minutes. Before school.

    That is not a way to start the day, I tell you!

  7. I have never won a giveaway, and I have never want to win a giveaway more than this one! (Is giveaway one word or two?)

    Pick me! Pick me!

  8. With a good friend’s due date on Friday, I think this book is absolutely necessary.

  9. love that belly shot!
    i’m knocked up and on some days i’m totally panicked. so i need the book. fingers crossed.

  10. I want this book…to hand off to my sister-in-law. I have 2 kids of my own and had those blessed-with-acne types of pregnancies. Happy dance that those days are over for me!

    Thanks for the giveaway!

  11. I turned my friends on to the website, and am excited to read the book. Although I have no urge to be pregnant again. At least not for now.

  12. Yay! The book took way longer than 9 months, but I hope it pays you back like a baby anyway (minus the stretch marks and wrinkles).

  13. Oh man. I totally need this book. I’m working on week 33, and with 7 more weeks to go I’m in desperate need of a good laugh. And a French Dip sandwich.

  14. Please randomly pick me! I’m sitting here, very late, and taking a pregnancy test in the morning. Panicking about babies?! WHO?! ME?!! NEVER!!

    Okay, yeah. Maybe….

  15. after 7 children and 9.6 grandchildren, this books sounds like it could be fun. after I read it, I will share with my daughters (6) and maybe someday a daughter in law.

  16. I volunteer! Would love to have this for my daughter and her husband. I’m hoping for grandchild news soon.

  17. Not pregnant, have never been pregnant … thinking about becoming pregnant — would love to read this book!

  18. This looks like a great book. Where was it 20 some years ago when I needed it? I still need a copy to give to my daughter when she gets pregnant.

  19. Today, I am 38 weeks pregnant with 12 days to go until my due date. This is my first child so I am excited and a little nervous all at the same time!

  20. Honestly, this is happening to me right this second… I am sobbing AND laughing hysterically. Your story and picture scares me to bits and absolutely cracks me up. Telling you that I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with my first child helps to explain this reaction. Oh god, the tears. These hormones!!! So, I’d be thrilled to win this book… so I can PANIC even more. Thanks Ms. Pudding!

    (still crying with deep gulping sobs… what the?)

  21. Thank you, Angie. Thank you. I made the mistake of looking at the numbers on the scale when I weighed in at the doctor’s yesterday and came home so depressed that all I could do was eat chocolate chips.
    37 weeks and counting…

  22. I’m 10 days from my due date with Baby #2.

    I wish I’d had this post three years ago when my mucous plug from baby #1 fell out AT WORK. I had no idea what it was or what was going on. I was sure I was dying. And how do you bring that up with work colleagues?

    I’m in!

  23. count me in. Of course, I am not yet a mom, and this book might make me not want to be one anymore…hmmmm

  24. OK–two of my three baby stories were posted on my blog and my second was lots of fun. I had had a very long day with my 1-1/2 year old and was at the end of my wits and then an idea came to me “She loves baths–I’ll give her a bath, just to have a few minutes of calm. I can do this”. No sooner had I put her into the tub and got her to playing when I felt ,”uh oh–did I just pee? No–it’s still coming–my water broke–I’m sure of it–and the baby is in the tub and my husband is at work, and I’m supposed to be induced on Sunday–why is this happening right now–my sister and my Mom are coming for SUNDAY not today! Aaaack!” No mucous plug warning for me!

    I have been a long time reader of you, Eden and Alice and would love the chance at a free copy of their book!
    (also, I’m not sure but I may need this book *again* pretty soon–we’ll see in a week or so when I do the official check! Aaack!)

  25. Me me me! I too have loved Alice and Eden for years and now I have been so considerate as to be 5 weeks pregnant with my second at the moment of this book release. A full pregnancy awaits and I’m eerily calm!

  26. Ugh, Sciatica, 80 lbs, ripping, stitches, etc…we really had similar first-pregnancy experiences. There was no glow over here, believe you me!

    I love the idea of this book! It looks hysterical, and it’s about time someone used some satire for a wonderful and incredibly scary time of your life.

  27. i too, broached 80 lbs with my first! at least he was almost 10 pounds too, is all i can say. i was cresting 230 lbs. it was AWESOME. thanks weight watchers!

  28. I was thinking about purchasing the book…but if I could win it, that would be even better!!!!

  29. I totally want to give this to my sister. She’s preggers and this is totally her kind of humor.

  30. I want in on this, and I want in on this so much that I will tell you about the time I pooped while giving birth. My single greatest fear of motherhood, a fear I tried to stay away from by asking for an enema, but they said “no”. But I showed them, I stopped pushing and asked for a c-section, they said “no” and showed me as I pooped some more and then came the baby.

    But here I am again, 5 weeks away from delivering yet another baby and I’m thinking I’m just going to stock up on laxatives in hopes I don’t do it again.

  31. I just want to buy this book – the ONLY way that I survived BOTH of my BEDREST ridden pregnancies – (100 days – bedrest – that’s right – BEDREST – 100 days – ) was by reading fluid pudding – !!!! I found you via a pregnancy website and I read your account of Meredith and I was hooked!!! HA!!! Where can you BUY this book!!!!

  32. love it! I am up to my eyeballs in non-satirical pregnancy books and they are making me crazy! This may be just the ticket back to sanity :)

  33. I am A) pregnant and B) a mom and C) the last time I checked, I was a woman too. So this book is perfect for me!

  34. Tossing my oversized underwear as the result of having a plethora of babies in the ring for a chance at the book. (yeh, I don’t know, just thought the random number generator might be drawn to colossal panties)

  35. I want to read this book. Even though I’m done with having children — I just want to relive the experience.

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