I believe I’m sprouting a finger, Mr. Darwin!

Hey! Do you remember nearly a year ago when I showed my hip to you, and it really looked like I was showing my butt?! And then, two months later, I talked about my hip weirdness once again?

When I saw my doctor in June, I was given antibiotics to kill the family of spiders that were nesting under my skin. Two months later, when the spiders were still bubbling, my doctor said, “Our choices are to wait it out to see if the cyst goes down, or have it removed by a surgeon.” I told him I wanted to wait it out, and he gave me three months in which to wait.

Nine months have passed. (Nine months in which I could have had a baby! But I didn’t!) The cyst is still there, and it’s big and hard and it sometimes wakes me up in the middle of the night to say, “Hey! I’m ITCHY! Poke! Poke!”

Long story short: I saw my doctor last week. He referred me to one of the only plastic surgeons covered by my insurance.

Receptionist at the Plastic Surgeon Office (RatPSO): I’m sorry. He operates only from the neck up.

Me: I can stand on my head for twenty minutes.

RatPSO: I’m sorry?

Me: I make jokes when I’m nervous. It’s one of my best and worst traits.

This morning I met with a general surgeon. She walked into the room, asked me to pull my pants down, touched the cyst, and said, “Yep. Let’s slice that thing off.” On May 25th, I will drop the kids off at school, drive myself to the hospital, get a bunch of shots to numb my hip, lie very still so they can “slice that thing off” and stitch it up, and drive myself home just in time to pick the kids up from school and then volunteer at a fifth grade recognition ceremony. It’s called being STALWART, people. If the doctor allows me to bring the cyst home, I’m going to stick it in the dehydrator and make a special treat for the puppy. (It’s all about sharing DNA and wearing Birkenstocks. Am I right? Yes. I’m right.) (I made stew out of my placenta and my family LOVED it.) (I make jokes when I’m nervous! Remember?!)

Speaking of the puppy, this is what’s happening right now:

Scout!

She’ll be starting school on Sunday afternoon.

(They grow up so fast, don’t they?) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

13 thoughts on “I believe I’m sprouting a finger, Mr. Darwin!”

  1. SCOUTTTTTTTT!!!

    Do you think it would offend any big name bloggers if you were to post a “Daily Scout” photo series? I mean seriously, is there a cuter dog on the internet?? I thought not!

  2. PUPPPPYYYYY! Oh and your hip… yeah, yeah, yeah, MORE PUPPY PICTURES!

    Seriously though, glad you are getting that sucker cut off. Bye, body weirdness!

  3. For a very brief (but profound) moment, I thought you were planning on starting your day of surgery by ‘[dropping] the kids off at the pool’ and felt that it was great that you were expecting to still be regular a couple weeks from now, getting enough fiber in your diet, etc. I was not, however, surprised that you were reporting this level of planning.

    The moral of the story: I’ve been reading your blog for so long that I’m not even surprised by the possibility of your sharing bathroom-related scheduling activities.

  4. that little ball of fluff is TOO ADORABLE… how long ’til you get to bring her home?

    I had a benign breast tumor removed many years ago on the exam table in a surgeon’s office. The weirdest part was when they stuck the cauterization grounding pad to my stomach. And I disappointed them by not looking at the tumor (they told me it was golf-ball sized, and I said ‘wow, thanks!’ and put an arm over my eyes so I couldn’t see). She let me listen to Sting while she was cutting, which helped with the nerves. Get a couple of ice packs from them when you leave and you’ll be aces.

  5. I had a brain MRI once, and once I had been left in the machine and left by all the people and made to listen to Dido I realised that on the ‘are you wearing any metal’ form I filled in I had forgotten to mention that two of my teeth were made of steel.

    This has nothing to do with anything. I just remembered.

  6. EEK! I wish I were in St. Louis to at least drive you home. Good luck with the removal, I hope they give you some good pain meds for when the local wears off.

    That is a seriously cute puppy.

  7. The puppy makes my uterus ache. Crazy levels of cuteness happening in the Pudding home.

    Best wishes for a successful cyst removal.

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