Category: Daily

This morning I dropped the kids off at school and then realized that I didn’t want to go back home. I drove around for nearly an hour just listening to my iPod and staring at the stripes on the road and eating a doughnut. (There are four grocery stores with fresh baked doughnuts on the street where I was driving, and although I was able to drive past #1 and #2 while feeling strongly about my doughnut-free stance, by the time I got to #3 I was feeling the long john monkey tingling on my back. I caved at #4.)

When I returned to my car, I decided to make a right instead of a left out of the parking lot, which put me on a road I don’t remember ever being on (it’s called Mason, locals), and my favorite cover of Creep came on. I tried to sing along, and pretty soon my eyes were watering. (Part of it may have been because I can’t hit the high notes. The other part may be something else entirely.)

It wasn’t long before I déjà vu’d myself back to a Target parking lot in Nashville, Tennessee. I had driven to the Target back in 2000 to purchase an electric griddle for pancakes, but Radiohead’s OK Computer was playing and “Exit Music (For a Film)” came on and it was snowing and perfect and instead of going in for my griddle, I sat in my little green Nissan and sobbed until I looked like Alice Cooper.

You know me better than most people know me. (And that’s weird, because most of you really have no idea what I smell like. Here. I’ll tell you. Toast! I smell like toast. More wheat than white.) I’ve always been upfront with the fact that I share only 17% of my stuff at Fluid Pudding. I’m now going to give you a 3% gift. That’s right. I’m going to open up a bit more so that you’re in on 20% of my business.

What did you just say? Oh. You’re welcome.

3%: In the past three years, three different doctors have tried to prescribe (at least) three different daily medications that call themselves things like anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety agents and/or muscle relaxers. When I pick up the prescription, here is what I do: I take one of the pills, and if it makes me feel weird or off, I immediately throw the rest away. Because these things aren’t needed for me to LIVE, they’re just needed for me to apply a bit of coping fuzz. BUT, I don’t need permanent fuzz. I need REMOVABLE fuzz. Like a coping fuzz vest. (Two nights ago I found myself at a restaurant with a delicate and fragile (perhaps birdlike?) woman who was wearing a black feather vest. I don’t think the decision to wear that vest had anything to do with her inability to cope without the aid of feathers. I think it had everything to do with wanting to look a little more like Elton John. And for that, I suppose I salute her.)

When I was going to school in Columbia, Missouri, my coping fuzz vest came in the form of My Bloody Valentine.

(That song? I could listen to that song 24 hours each day forever.)

I have 80 reasons for needing a coping fuzz vest right now. (These 80 reasons are part of the 80% that I’ll keep in my pocket.) The good news? I’m seeing a new doctor on Monday. (When your regular doctor makes a habit of throwing Vicodin your way, you know it’s time to find a new doctor. Unless you like Vicodin! No hate to the Vicodin fans! I’m not here to hurt anyone’s feelings.) Anyway, the following line items appear on my list of conversation points:

1. Mittelschmerz

2. Hysterectomy

3. Migraine food triggers (warm bread, alcohol, red foods, chocolate)

4. Fuzzy coping vest

Always End On A Happy Note: I spoke to our new realtor this afternoon, and she is amazing and I’ve been packing boxes. (Oddly enough, I’m wearing a fleece vest right now. Not quite fuzzy enough, but it’ll do.)

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On Sunday morning, I cleaned the kitchen. I wiped down every surface and put everything in its place and threw a bunch of stuff away and took old cookbooks downstairs, and suddenly our kitchen looked (and smelled) really good.

Meanwhile, Jeff and the girls bagged up shoes that no longer fit and clothing that no longer works and stuffed animals that always seem to take up too much space, and suddenly we were able to see parts of the floor that we haven’t seen in years.

At 1:00, Jeff announced that he knew of a few open houses that he thought we should look at. (At which he thought we should look.)

When we moved into our house (exactly eleven years ago), we promised ourselves that we would stay for five years. Two years later, Harper moved in. And then five years passed and Meredith was in kindergarten and Harp was in preschool and let’s watch TV instead of packing stuff up. Six MORE years have passed, and we’re cramped. Our house isn’t a bad house, but the girls would love to have their own rooms and I would love to have a table in the kitchen and although we really like a few of our neighbors, we wouldn’t miss the others.

We’ve spent the past year lazily looking at open houses, and none of them sparked us. Ah, but then Sunday came around and we drove to a house on a street that has Winter in the name. (You know that winter is my favorite, right?) We pulled up to the house and I said, “Oh, wow. This is our house.”

When we walked in, the realtor introduced herself to us, and asked us to either take off our shoes or put on the booties. I was so excited that I took off my shoes AND put on booties and then I tripped on the bootie elastic and lost my balance and tried to look cooler than I am but failed, so I started laughing like an awkward lady because that’s EXACTLY WHAT I AM.

When we first walked into our current house (about eleven years and a month ago), we said, “This will do.”

When we walked into the winter house, we fell in love. (Honestly, the only thing missing is a fenced-in back yard.) It’s weird, because it’s in our price range, has FOUR bedrooms plus a finished basement and room for a table in the kitchen along with a bar where I can have meaningful talks with the girls as I cook amazing dinners and they snack on fresh veggie sticks. It has an office for Jeff. It has space where I can sit at my spinning wheel and look out the window. It has something called a Florida room where Jeff and I can read the paper and talk about smart people things like science and indie films.

This is an actual photograph taken after I hugged the tree in the yard and said something like, “That bathtub in the master bathroom is where I want to take a bath. Tonight.”

I spent the rest of the evening on Sunday eating dump cake and burrito bowls and singing love songs to the house.

Yesterday afternoon I met a friend for lunch. Because I’m sort of unpredictable and not the best at managing time, I ended up being an hour early. (The restaurant is less than a half hour away from my house. I have no idea why I do the things I do.) Anyway, as I sat in my car and listened to the radio, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. It was the winter house realtor. She could tell that I loved the house and she wants to come over to OUR house and I’m not even going to worry about punctuation right now because the whole conversation went just this quickly and the house we live in needs to be ready for her to see in less than two weeks and we’re meeting with a lender soon and I’ve made arrangements to get boxes and this weekend we’re going to rent a storage facility and yesterday I told our principal that I won’t be signing up for committees next year because: We’re moving.

Let me be clear: The house we fell in love with (also known as the house with which we fell in love) will sell very quickly, and most likely not to us. BUT, we’re finally taking the steps. And there WILL be other houses that are hopefully just as perfect for us.

I’m taking pictures off of the walls and boxing up everything that we don’t use on a daily basis and we’re hoping to be in a new place before the next school year starts. This is no longer just a thing we talk about before we change the channel over to The Amazing Race. This has become a verb. Stay tuned. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Okay. I could visit Fluid Pudding every day and tell you about the things that are tugging at my heart. I’ve done it a few times in the past, and a few people have stepped up to say, “Hey! I want to help with that!” and suddenly we have a Thing and we accomplish a goal that surprises a stranger in an amazing way and that’s one of the reasons why I just renewed Fluid Pudding for another two years. (The other reason is that I want to start challenging myself to actually WRITE again, and I’m giving myself two years to see what I can do.) Anyway, I really (really) enjoy all of you. (Even you back there.) I think we make a good team. (Funny: I accidentally just typed “I think we make a good time.” And I do!)

Here’s the scoop: A friend of mine works in animal rescue. She introduced us to Scout nearly three years ago, and because I think she’s smart and funny and resourceful and amazingly generous with her time and money when it comes to animals, I always want to help her in any way that I can. She was recently contacted by someone who wasn’t necessarily concerned about a dog, but was VERY concerned about this dog’s family. Chevy (the dog) had a weird accident while playing fetch two years ago, and the stick went through his mouth. He had surgery to correct the problem, but his jaws locked up after the surgery. His family has been told that it will take six to eight thousand dollars to correct the problem. In the meantime, because his family can’t afford the surgery, they’ve been taking extreme measures to help Chevy get food into his mouth. Meanwhile, although Chevy is an AMAZING dog who is well-trained and loves his family like crazy, he is not thriving. He needs the surgery.

A (very good) veterinarian met Chevy and is willing to cut the cost of the surgery down to $1,000. With that said, Chevy needs the surgery as soon as possible. The family scheduled the surgery for next Thursday, but they’re still having a very hard time coming up with the cash. That’s where my friend stepped in and asked for donations on Facebook. A few people donated. I put the story on my Facebook wall and immediately heard from another friend who said, “Get a Go Fund Me! I can pass the word to my friends! We can do this!”

Long story short: I took my friend’s photo of the dog along with her words and put it on a Go Fund Me site. Within an hour, we had over $300 for Chevy. This morning I woke up to find that we now have $475. In other words, we’re halfway there.

Please consider visiting the page and donating so that Chevy’s surgery is covered.

(If the link thing above doesn’t work, you can click right here.)

Also, please know that I still dig you even if you don’t donate. As I said before, it isn’t often that I throw this stuff out there, but when I do, we always seem to band together to make good things happen.

I hope your weekend is the best one.

Edited to add: You guys. We did it. $1,000 so Chevy can open his mouth and his family can get back on the road to normal. This is what it’s all about. Thank you. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

I pulled something in my right knee pit, and it’s making me pain. The Fitbit will be sitting on my bedside table until I can dance without wincing. (Side note: Jeff and I are participating in the voluntary Fitbit Force recall because the skin on his arm is rotting off. We’ve been wearing our Forces around the clock since December, and the rotting of his skin started last week. I’m not rotting, but I’m also not willing to wait for a rot. I now have a Fitbit Zip, and you really don’t care, do you? It’s LIME GREEN!)

One of our tomato plants just reached up and touched my finger. (I am not on any medication, because I’m pretending to be one of those people who never takes medication. I actually sort of AM one of those people, if you don’t count the weird birth control pill I take every night despite the fact that I had a tubal ligation many moons ago. Migraine/ovulation prevention! I’ll be meeting my new gynecologist on April 7th!)

This morning the girls and I watched a terrible pet incident that involved two separate attacks and that’s all I can say until I’m able to talk to the neighbor whose dog was injured. The police need to be called, and I need to know if she’s going to do it or if I have to. Meredith is REALLY hoping the neighbor lady calls, because MY call could affect HER social life. Oceans of obscurity! I’ll keep you updated. (Unless I can’t.)

After getting my feathers ruffled by the canine kerfluffle (feel free to use that phrase in your songs, Tori Amos), I took the girls to the library (SPRING BREAK! It is ON!) to see if any of their reserved books were ready. On the way in, a woman with a clipboard asked if I am a registered voter. Two things: 1. I AM a registered voter. 2. I recognize this lady as someone who is always carrying a clipboard and asking me to sign things that I don’t like. (We are VERY different politically, the clipboard lady and me.) Anyway, I lied to her and told her that I’m not a registered voter, because it’s easier than telling her that I don’t have a spine. She looked at me, shook her head, and did the whole, “Mmmm, mmm, mmm.” thing to indicate how disgusted she was.

Me (after returning to the car empty-handed): Girls, it feels as if the past few years have provided me with constant tests, and I often feel that I’m failing.

Harper: Can I get gum at the store?

Me: Yes. Also, I need a fresh start. I need to get away for a bit. I’m starting to not like who I am. I need to explore. Try yoga at a reputable yoga studio. Go back to Pilates. Stare at a wall.

Meredith: Why did you write Piano on the grocery list?

Me: I have no idea. Perhaps the word Piano is a metaphor for me having 88 things going on at once and my synapses are no longer able to fire effectively.

Meredith: Do you think you meant to write Pizza? Like, for dinner?

Me: Yes.

One more thing. I just looked out the window and it’s snowing, which feels like a gift. One more snow. It’s all I ever need. (Along with a box of hair color and a cure for this knee pit thing.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

If someone told me that I had to walk around smelling like a specific food for the rest of my days, I would choose to smell like gingerbread cookies. Oranges would also be on my top five list of I Have to Smell Like This Food possibilities. Green bean casserole.

Honesty: Show me a person who thinks I’m mean and I’ll show you a person who has no idea. (And by saying they Have No Idea, I’m not saying, “I’m MORE MEAN THAN YOU THINK! I’M JUST GETTING STARTED BEING MEAN!” By saying you Have No Idea, I’m actually saying, “I’m not mean. Really. Despite what you think you think.”)

Last week I edited a chapter about delusions. While reading it, I was able to visualize actual people (and sometimes those people were me!) who fit some of the descriptions in the book. A few days ago I edited a chapter about sleep disorders, and I was quickly able to diagnose myself with maladies I probably don’t actually have.  Yesterday I edited Sexual Disorders. Green bean casserole.)

I have potatoes and carrots and celery and garbanzo beans and diced tomatoes and veggie broth simmering in the Crock pot right now with curry and coriander and garlic. Add that to the list of foods I might want to exude.

Last night I had a dream during which a man in a red velvet hat approached me in a castle and asked me to spell loo-be-doo. I smiled confidently and said, “l-e-a-u-x-b-e-d-e-u-x.” He frowned and said, “No. It’s just l-o-o-b-e-d-o-o.” I think this means that I try to add unnecessary details. I should stop cleaning my house and just get that goofy realtor over here.

Baked apples with cinnamon and brown sugar. Add that to the list.

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Due to circumstances that I won’t get into, my kids have been unable to text their friends for nearly two weeks. As a result, they have been pleasant—much more pleasant than they are when they’re looking at me over the top of an electronic device. Instead of sending thirty tiny cartoon elephant pictures to friends they see every day at school, they’re talking to each other. They’re reading. They’re doing science experiments. They would not agree with me when I say this, but: This has been a very good thing. Until we figure out some parameters, they will continue to be unable to text. I’m in no hurry to figure out parameters.

Eleven days ago, we planted 20 tomato seeds. As of RIGHT NOW, 19 of them have sprouted and have turned toward the sun. It’s time to plan the garden. We will have tomatoes, basil, peppers, radishes, lettuce, and what else? What else should I grow this year? The people who lived in the house before us grew sweet potatoes and grapes. I’m not sure I’m ready for sweet potatoes and grapes. I’m also not ready to remove the cartoon teacup curtains those people hung in our basement. We moved in exactly eleven years ago. Cartoon teacup curtains. Honestly.

Semi-related: Developments are taking place on Project: I Want To Move. Last weekend we were told about a great house. We drove over to it and verified that it was a great house. I CALLED A REALTOR, which is something I’ve never done before. 24 hours later, the realtor called back and told me that the house had been sold. Anyway, because of this, I’ve been bagging up clothes and eating lots of banana chips and thinking that I may invite the realtor into our house sometime in the next month so she can tell us exactly what we need to do to get ready. I’ve been talking about moving forever. Now I’m actually making phone calls. This is a good first step.

Okay. I know that winners never quit and quitters never win, but we’ve decided to let Meredith quit the violin before the end of the violin session. I don’t want to talk about it.

Oh! So, do you remember two paragraphs up how I was going on about how I want to move? As I type this very line, ten kids from the middle and high school track teams are practicing drills on my street and it’s one of the most heartwarming things I’ve seen. If the marching band shows up, all hope is lost.

Once again, I’m reminded that someone once declared blog entries to not be interesting without a photo. (Not that I believe a photo would really help this schlock. Honestly. I either need more time or more adventures or another month of writing every day.)

Anyway.

This morning I found my Superhero necklace. I bought it for myself as a reward for reading a Fluid Pudding entry in front of something like 500 people at BlogHer.

The audience looked like this.

That was back when I was marking up my face with eyeliner and stuffing marshmallows into my mouth and actually going to conferences and staying out late and talking to people and showing my elbows in public.

Things were much more interesting then. Girl, you know it’s true.

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On Friday, I took Harper to a Home Alone class. It had nothing to do with the 1990 Macauley Culkin comedy and everything to do with how to call the police and what to do when someone knocks on the door and how to answer weird phone questions when you find yourself alone in the house.

While Harper was learning how to trick scoundrels, I found myself saying the following words to Meredith:

“If something goes wrong, please call 911 first and THEN call Daddy. If I’m on the ground, don’t spend any time looking at me. Just call 911. I don’t want you to remember me as being on fire.”

Why so serious? Because I had to change a halogen bulb, and the light fixture is covered with engraved warnings about electrocution and turning off the power to the house before attempting to change the bulb.

(I did NOT turn off the power to the house before I attempted to change the bulb. Why? Because the helpful man at the hardware store (where I purchased the replacement bulb) told me it wasn’t necessary. Also, I crave DANGER. (I once either line danced or rode on the back of a motorcycle during a snow storm. My memory is fuzzy.))

Helpful Man at the Hardware Store: Don’t worry about powering down the house. What’s more important is that this bulb is never touched by human hands because the oils in your skin could cause the bulb to explode.

Me: Dear Lord! Should I buy special gloves or goggles?! I’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE!

Helpful Man: Just use a paper towel. BUT BE VERY CAREFUL.

Meredith and I came home, I VERY CAREFULLY removed the old bulb, I put on my gardening gloves and unwrapped the new bulb, I VERY CAREFULLY put it in the socket thing, I closed up the glass panel on the fixture, I flipped the switch, and nothing. Nothing happened.

I then removed the glass panel and took out the bulb (while wearing the gloves, obviously) and turned it the other way and put it back in and replaced the panel and switched on the light and again—Nothing.

I then stomped around the house for a bit and when Jeff got home he returned the bulb to the store and exchanged it for another bulb and he brought it home and I became The Halogen Master by refusing help. I put the bulb into the socket and replaced the glass panel and when I flipped the switch, nothing happened. Again.

I’m boring you. I feel like I never have adventures any more, so when I do something that involves electricity and/or the possibility of death, I immediately think, “This! Yes! I shall write about this at Fluid Pudding!” And here we are. 451 words of me not being able to switch out a bulb.

Quick Ending: My dad drove up on Saturday morning and hooked a meter to the switch. The switch was fine. Jeff then took the bulb and wiggled it. He WIGGLED it. Suddenly, our back yard was filled with 150 watts of halogen brightness. Because Jeff wiggled the bulb. As soon as I saw the light, I left the house to get my hair cut. If you can’t be smart, you may as well look presentable.

Also, less than ten minutes ago I accepted the first freelance job I’ve had in several weeks. Suddenly, I’ve removed my Low Self-Esteem hat and I’m thinking about changing my lotion from Stress Relief to Energy! (Side note: If you want to see me cringe, use the word Cream instead of Lotion. Double the cringe for Body Cream. And don’t ever talk to me about your Bottom.) Anyway. Freelance!!!

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So, the lazy journal thing is going well, but it’s hiccuping me away from Fluid Pudding. That’s no good. Let’s catch up.

I drove to Weight Watchers, but never made it to the front door. It’s not a big deal. I’m in an okay place right now.

I’m a clencher. Sadly, although the new night guard will prevent the wearing down of my teeth, it does NOT prevent the clenching. Every night I wake up biting my tongue so hard that it’s numb. (I once had a dog who bit his tongue off during a stroke. I’m thinking about you, Thumper.)

A teacher at school told me about a restaurant that is less than ten minutes away from my house. I had never heard of it, and now it’s my favorite place. Old Taco Bell turned Greek/Italian. Lasagna? Yes. Baklava? Yes. BABA GHANOUSH?! YES!!! (Pizza? Yes.)

Last April I ran into my best friend from college. When we started hanging out again, I was so afraid that we would eventually revisit all of our memories and then have nothing left to say. Thankfully, we have a LOT to say, and I’m honestly the luckiest person to have so many amazing people on my boat.

Do you remember a few weeks back when I mentioned the Olympic spin-along? I finished my yarn.

I also finished my first skein of yarn spun from the fold. It’s fat and lofty and completely screwy. BUT, it will make a fun pair of fingerless mitts. Maybe. Possibly not, because it’s completely screwy! (It’s always good to try new things. Even that thing where someone named Amanda drops a shot of whisky into a glass of beer. (You don’t have to finish it.))

Jeff and I walked around the lake last week. My waterfall was still frozen, but we DID manage to come into contact with what I believe to have been a trench coat-wearing unmedicated schizophrenic man who had some words to scream about Jesus.

I didn’t get a photo of the man. Honestly, my adrenaline was amped to the extent that I probably would have stuck my thumb through my phone had I tried to snap a photo. (“I can lift a truck if it falls on my child” and all of that.) Anyway, the police were called, so I’m assuming everyone now has the help they need. (Not EVERYONE, but at least the man with the Jesus screams. I do hope that he’s okay. And his little dog, too.)

Today I attended a few red carpet ceremonies and I put off designing a brochure that I was supposed to finish yesterday. The good news? No one will be nervous about the brochure’s absence until Thursday, so perhaps I’ll hit it on Wednesday. And that’s tomorrow.

We’re having avocado sandwiches for dinner. Take a baguette and slice it lengthwise. Spread some sort of vinaigrette on the top half and dump some cheese (vegan or otherwise) on the bottom. Broil both halves until the cheese starts dancing. Take it all out of the oven and place avocado slices on the cheese. Sprinkle lemon juice over the avocado slices. Top it off with lemon pepper. Sandwich it up. It’s our favorite. (The recipe is from Betty Goes Vegan, which is still my favorite cookbook.)

I’ll try to be back sooner. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

The last time we spoke, I was getting ready to prepare for Friday’s colonoscopy.

I prepared. I also had the good sense to send the girls out of the house on Thursday evening. When you’re 8 and 10 and unable to drive a car, the last place you want to be is trapped in a house with a parent who is chugging Gatorade mixed with Miralax. Thus it was, and so they went.

Jeff and I left our house for the hospital on Friday morning at 6:00. When we arrived, we were handed a buzzer.

Nurse (to Jeff): The buzzer will go off once when we’re ready to prep her for the procedure. It will go off again when she’s in the procedure room. It will go off a third time when you’re able to visit her in the recovery room.

We sat down and noticed that the number on the buzzer corresponded with a color coded screen.

Me: Look. My box is white. Does that mean I’m hungry for a doughnut? Because I’m hungry for a doughnut.

Jeff: Look at 87. He’s red. That means his blazing hot wings are ready.

With that, the buzzer went off for the first time.

Jeff: WELCOME TO THE TERROR DOME!!!

Long story shortened. The nurse took me back, asked me a bunch of questions, stuck an IV into my wrist, gave me a warm blanket, and told me to take it easy.

As I was taking it easy, I heard her greeting the woman in the next room. She started the same set of questions.

Nurse: Do you know why you’re here today?

Lady Next Door (LND): For a colonoscopy.

Nurse: Did you drink all of the prep mix?

LND: I didn’t.

Nurse: Oh. Okay. Did you refrain from eating solid foods yesterday?

LND: No. I had cereal for breakfast and some crackers last night.

Nurse: Oh. Okay. Have you had anything by mouth since midnight last night?

LND: Yes. I drank some coffee this morning.

Wrong answer, wrong answer, wrong answer. I suddenly felt very superior for drinking, refraining, and keeping my mouth closed after midnight.

Let’s skip ahead. I met the anesthesiologist. They wheeled me back to the procedure room. I rolled over onto my left side. I drifted into the most wonderful Propofol-induced sleep. The doctor piped me. I woke up.

Me: Have you talked to the girls?

Jeff: Yep. I texted Meredith just a few minutes ago.

Me: Good.

(Thirty seconds pass.)

Me: Have you talked to the girls?

Jeff: Um, yep. I just told you that.

Me: So you talked to them? To the girls? Have you talked to the girls?

Because Jeff is patient and Jeff is kind and Jeff does not envy and Jeff does not boast and Jeff is not proud, Jeff drove me straight from the hospital to a doughnut joint and then allowed me to shove a vanilla long john into my face while he ran into Starbucks and picked up a chai for me.

And we all lived happily ever after.

And I will NEVER miss an opportunity to put weird faces on my colon photos.

So, what’s that white thing on my colon? I don’t know! BUT, it’s normal.

Bonus: It is a rare delight to catch a glimpse of the elusive Colon Farrell. Luckily, my doctor is a wizard with the colonoscope and was able to capture a quick photo before Mr. Farrell disappeared behind my cecum.

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