The Trouble with Apostrophes and Nuts

About six weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a pistachio company. In not so many words, they asked if I would be interested in eating their nuts and then writing about it on my website.

“Fluid Pudding is not THAT kind of website,” I answered.

A few weeks later, I discovered a large white box on my front porch:

Clearly, my nuts had dropped.

(Wow. Two nut jokes, and I’m already tired of the nut jokes. I was eleven when I started writing this entry. Suddenly, I’m 86 again. Will you run me to the post office, Sweetie?)

I popped the box open, and found the following items:

Four boxes of pistachios, a pistachio shirt, a pistachio hat, a brochure all about pistachios, and a stuffed pistachio that Harper quickly claimed as her own. Because “it looks like a big sandwich with eyeballs.” And we all know that big sandwiches with eyeballs = Comedy Gold amongst the pre-school set.

Although I was sort of weirded out by the stuffed pistachio and the hat (okay. and the shirt.), I have to give the Everybody’s Nuts marketing team some credit. The back cover copy on the pistachio box is probably the funniest back cover copy I’ve seen. (Oh, and I’ve seen my share of back cover copy, Sparky. Someday we’ll kick back with a glass of milk and talk about it.)

On the back of the Roasted, No Salt box:

When Everybody’s Nuts first started, we gathered all the pistachios and said, “We want each of you to open up. Can you do that?” The response was overwhelming. “I like to wear cowboy boots to bed!” yelled one nut. Another piped in with, “I have an unnatural fear of kitty cats.” We heard, “I sing show tunes in the shower” and “My parents never supported my acting career.” Finally we said, “Hey, hey. We didn’t mean to open up like that. We meant for you to open up your shells 100% of the time, so people can easily enjoy your cholesterol-free, protein-packed delicious goodness.” Thankfully, they agreed. And they also agreed to stop talking about their distrust of nutcrackers.

I admit, it loses a bit of funny toward the end. But the part about the pistachios opening up? Yeah. That part made me ROFLMNOP.

Okay. Pistachios. There’s really not much to say, except: I never really considered these things to be a snack food. BUT, I ate every single stinkingly delicious pistachio. My favorite flavor? Salt and Pepper Pistachios. (Incidentally, I found three pistachios that were NOT opened. According to the box, I could mail those back in with a proof of purchase and they would send a free box of nuts to me. Because I didn’t pay for the pistachios, this is not an option for me. Perhaps I should look into selling the unopened pistachios on eBay.)

I know you’re wondering if I wear the shirt and the hat.

I do not wear the hat. However, I’m sure one of the kids will someday have a Wear a Goofy Hat Promoting Your Favorite Protein-Packed Treat Day during Homecoming Spirit Week, so it will eventually get some face time.

The shirt? Okay. The shirt says “Everybody’s Nuts.” As soon as I can convince myself that the apostrophe is filling in for an omitted letter and has absolutely nothing to do with possession, well, maybe then I’ll pull it over my head.

Wait. Wait! The apostrophe is clearly NOT filling in for an omitted letter. It IS denoting possession. These nuts belong to everybody! And by Nuts, I mean Pistachios!

I’m forever tripping over entendres… ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

It’s the Autumnal Equinox Giveaway!

I don’t have anything against Miley Cyrus. Anything she does, naked or not naked, is none of my business. (Although the media is dying for me to know that Miley took a 20-year-old tank top sporting boy to church last weekend, I really couldn’t care less. However, for some unknown reason, I’m retaining that information.)

A few weeks back I received an e-mail from the kind folks at Build-A-Bear asking if they could send a Hannah Montana bear to the girls, along with a $25 gift card to be given away at Fluid Pudding. Knowing that my kids would either fight over or just not get into the Hannah Montana bear, I went ahead and took it (with the card) and set the plan to give it all away.

Less than 24 hours after signing on to take the bear, the biggest Hannah Montana fan I know fell and broke her arm at a friend’s house. And what sucks is that this girl loves gymnastics, but can no longer participate with a huge cast on her arm. And when kids get their feelings hurt along with their bones, my heart bleeds. Immediately, I knew who would get the bear. (Closed door! Open window! Not really. But sort of!)

Look at this bear:

Adorable. Fuzzy. Soft. Wearing a glittery shirt that says Ready to Rock. And although it lacks the ability to mend bones, it did bring a smile to the recipient’s face. And that’s never a bad thing.

All of this to say: If you’re interested in the $25 gift card to Build-a-Bear, I can hook you up. $25 would get you a naked Hannah Montana Bear (you can stage your own Vanity Fair photo shoot!), or just about any other Build-A-Bear friend. Best of all, Build-A-Bear sells donation animals. When you purchase a donation animal, a percentage of the proceeds is donated to charity. I hereby encourage you to use the card toward the purchase of a donation animal.

Anyway, leave a comment below and I’ll enter you in the drawing. On Friday at noon (CST), I’ll draw a name and notify the winner! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>