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Mondays aren’t so bad.

May 23rd, 2016 · 15 Comments · Daily

A week or so ago we noticed a pregnant bird building a room onto the side of our house. (She had a permit, so we were cool about it.)

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This morning I saw the new mom standing on the side of the nest and feeding her babies. In three more days, I plan on skewering those babies and cooking them in my new baby bird cooker.

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(You know I’m kidding. At least you hope I am. (I am.))

A few weeks back I turned 46 and my daughters gifted me with the Property Brothers Bro Gnomes.

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I finished some yarn.

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Sometimes when I don’t have a lot to say, I just throw a bunch of photos up and hope you don’t notice. But, wait! I *did* have coffee with a new friend last week, and sitting and talking to her was like reaching into the back of the pantry and finding a can of green beans when you thought you were OUT of green beans, and those beans are cut the way you like them! (Does anyone else get excited about finding kitchen cut green beans in the back of the pantry? I LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE.)

Finally, on the last day of school, Meredith and her friend performed in the talent show. They played “Trees” by Twenty One Pilots, and it went a little something like this:

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Reality is twisted enough.

May 17th, 2016 · 12 Comments · Daily

Today is Meredith’s final full day of school for the year. We’ve spent the past two weeks attending band concerts and choir concerts and field trips and D.A.R.E. graduations. (Clarification: Jeff attended both field trips—one to Six Flags and one to Springfield, Illinois. I cannot do field trips, and he is a hero.)

Can we talk about D.A.R.E.? (We can.) I think we all agree that education is important when it comes to drugs, alcohol, bullying, violence, etc. A lot of kids need to learn about this sort of thing at school, because they might not have great role models at home. Knowledge is power, Nancy Reagan, and D.A.R.E. does a decent job sharing statistics and persuading kids to walk away from things that aren’t helping their brains. Sure, studies have shown that D.A.R.E. isn’t very effective and articles refer to it as “trash psychology.” All I know is that Harper is having positive conversations about peer pressure and self-respect and I’m totally good with that.

Last week I walked into Harp’s elementary school gymnasium to attend her D.A.R.E. graduation. She really loved the program and I loved hearing about it and reading her final essay summarizing the things she had learned. When some of the kids approached the podium during graduation to read their winning essays, I was completely impressed with their spirit and reasoning. Drug Free, You and Me!

Toward the end of the ceremony, each child walked across the stage and received a certificate for participating in the program. The applause was crazy and positive and I’ve never tried cocaine, and I’m going to CONTINUE to never try cocaine! I saw one mom crying and I was thinking, “Oh, man. What’s going on over there?” and a few kids were hugging each other and the emotional build-up was starting to feel a little uncomfortable, and then Total Eclipse of the Heart started blasting over the speakers and suddenly this happened.

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I clearly have problems not knowing when things are not supposed to be funny because I was the only person in the gymnasium who started laughing. I quickly recovered and became the only person in the gymnasium who was looking something like this.

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(Sometimes I look like an idiot. I promise I’m trying my best to not be.)

((Spoiler: At the end of the song, Cocaine and Violence and their gang of negative influences removed their hoodies and flipped their cards to words like Friendship and Community, and the blonde girl who was starting to get sucked into a potential Hunter S. Thompson novel was saved by her friends. All is well that ends well, although I believe the hoodies shouldn’t have been part of it. Please don’t get me started on this.))

Summer break officially begins on Friday and I then have something like twelve weeks before I have to focus on how to act like an adult in public places.

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Have faith in you and the things you do.

May 14th, 2016 · 9 Comments · Daily

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Me: Meredith, do you want me to put together some sort of party favor for your friends?

Meredith: People should feel blessed that they are getting a mix tape from me. It’s liquid fire.

Me: Okay then.

Meredith: By the way, your drink is bigger than my future. Did you know that an emphysemic patient coughs up up to two cups of phlegm each morning?

(I love 13. So far.)

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What do you get from a glut of TV? A pain in the neck and an IQ of three!

May 10th, 2016 · 3 Comments · Daily

As much as I am cheering for them to live, part of me knows that I have invited these plants to my house so that I can watch them die.

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I need to either figure out how to handle plants, or I need to come up with a horticulturally driven Oompah Loompah dirge so that the passing is more quirky than catastrophic.

At 2:36 in the morning I deleted 267 photos from my phone because I am out of storage and I don’t own an Itty Bitty Book Light to help me make better use of my sleepless nights. Most of the photos were blurry shots of cats or lines from outdated school forms telling me where I need to be and when and something around here needs to change because my phone does not represent who I want to be at this point in my life. Knowing how short our time is on this planet, I no longer feel good about helping the Bubble Witch save her pets.

Do you remember last year when I was wondering if my life would be better if I could change my shape and get rid of my creaky ankles before my nephew’s graduation? I gave myself one year to feel comfortable in my own skin and I hate it when people say things like Achievement: Unlocked, yet here we are. My nephew graduated last Friday which meant I was able to hang out by myself for three hours in a Hyundai Sonata before going sleeveless at a graduation ceremony. The next morning I ate a sweet potato muffin and I didn’t hate myself afterwards. During the drive home I Sondre Lerched like I’ve never Sondre Lerched before with a bag of cashews and some unsweetened tea. I found myself to be 96% delightful.

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I look in the mirror and say, “What’s up?”

May 3rd, 2016 · 6 Comments · Daily

Hello! I’ve missed you!

The past week has been ridiculous, but I can’t name four things I did that might have kept me away. That whole MRSA thing sort of sucked, but I’m pretty sure I’m over it now. My nephew dislocated his shoulder during a tennis match but I wasn’t there so I can’t really use it as an excuse, although I found myself stress-eating Doritos during his sedation and resetting. (I can’t type and eat Doritos at the same time. Too much residue.) Harper turned 11 last Thursday and Meredith turned 13 last Friday and we lost power for a few hours on Saturday and we went to a Cardinals game on Sunday. I’ve been working and growing my hair and throwing Vinca plants into our yard kidneys and listening to Beyoncé.

Today I joined a friend at IKEA and it was amazing and refreshing because: 1. Friend, 2. IKEA, 3. Veggie balls!

I’ve been wanting this mirror for several months, and now we have it:

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(Please don’t tell the neighbors we’re Rear Windowing them with Harper’s telescope.)

I had no idea this cat pillow existed, but now we have it:

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This thing is solar powered and it’s my first patio yoga station decoration.

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I also purchased some chalk, a potential pergola cover, a candle, and some Swedish fish.

Oh, Beyoncé. Here’s the thing. I stopped feeling passionate about music somewhere around 1998. Sure, I’d fall into different albums occasionally, but nothing really held my attention for more than a few months. My iPod is filled with songs that Jeff put on mix tapes for me back in 1996. The radio no longer sparks me. It’s weird because music used to be Everything, but for whatever reason, I hit an 18 year dry spell. (Eighteen years. Dear Lord. My dry spell is graduating from high school this year!)

And then Prince died. When Tempe told me that Prince died, I was like, “Shit. Really? Prince?!” and then I spent the next few days listening to all of the Prince albums that I’ve missed over the years, and why in the HELL have I not been listening to music?! Then Beyoncé released Lemonade, and I can’t stop shaking my head. In a good way.

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(This is me actually dancing to Sorry. Unapologetically.)

Beyoncé is angry and gritty and I’m loving every single minute of it because I’m sometimes angry and gritty and Lemonade speaks to a part of me that has been asleep for too long. I love that if I were to invite Beyoncé over for biscotti she would be way too ferocious for it.

A few days back, I received some essential oils in the mail and I told Tempe that I was loving them. She asked which one was going into the diffuser and when I dictated “I’m thinking Sweet Ambiance” to Siri, she heard me like this:

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Sweet. I’m Beyoncé. (I’m not really Beyoncé.)

Finally, because I’ve become the middle-aged woman who can’t stop screwing around with iron-on designs, I made the shirt I’ve been wanting to make since I first received my Cricut.

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(My next shirt will say, “I’m way too ferocious for your biscotti.”)

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We are all a star.

April 22nd, 2016 · 9 Comments · Daily

I know Bette Davis died in 1989, but I also know that she was at my doctor’s office this morning sitting in a wheelchair and loudly throwing out phrases like “all that and a bag of chips.”

I went to the doctor this morning for a weird thing and it turns out that the weird thing is actually a MRSA infection (who KNEW?!) and if you’ve been around me at all for the past month or so you honestly have nothing to worry about unless you licked my skull. I don’t want to talk about it. (I’ve contacted the skull lickers because I’m a good citizen.)

While I was sitting there feeling all red-faced and infected with Staphylococcus, my doctor decided to check in on my headache preventative.

Dr. W: How is the Celexa working with your migraines?

Me: I think it’s going really well. I’ve taken maybe six headache pills so far this year, and before the Celexa I was taking one or two each week!

Dr. W: Do you have any side effects that are bothersome?

Me: Well, sort of but I don’t know. I haven’t cried since I started the Celexa and I normally cry all the time about weird stuff like animated elephants sacrificing themselves and little kids singing Stevie Wonder songs. The commercial with the tiny horse that needs a dog door because the other horses won’t socialize with him? That commercial would have destroyed me a year ago, but now I’m just like, “Huh.”

Dr. W: Does it bother you that you’re not crying at those things?

Me: It doesn’t BOTHER me, it’s just that it’s weird to not cry so easily.

Dr. W: Well, you could look at it like this. It might not be 100% normal to bust out crying during commercials. I think you had all sorts of hidden stress before the medication and it manifested itself with gastro symptoms and migraines and maybe even the unexpected crying. BUT, you have to ask yourself if NOT crying bothers you as much as the headaches did. The medication is an anti-depressant, but I didn’t prescribe it because of depression.

Me: I think I’ll keep taking it and be okay with the fact that heroes keep dying and I feel like a migraine-free David Bowie singing a Pink Floyd song.

So, Prince. I’ve spent the past day reading stories and tributes and feeling weird about the fact that I purchased gum for Harper called Raspberry Sorbet less than an hour before Tempe texted the news to me as I sat in the parking lot of a grilled cheese and tomato soup restaurant. (Harper wanted lemon gum, but I went with Raspberry Sorbet. Because of Raspberry Beret. I had no idea what was happening at Paisley Park as I was pulling out my Target Red Card.)

I don’t have any life-changing Prince stories, and I’m not going to pretend that I’ve been a committed fan since the beginning. What I *will* say is that I purchased the soundtrack to Purple Rain a month after I turned 14 back in 1984 and after listening to it over and over again I hid it in my bottom desk drawer because I knew my parents wouldn’t approve of the lyrics. I also knew that this music was not like anything else I was hearing on the radio in 1984. (In 1984 I also purchased the soundtracks to “Against All Odds” and “Footloose.” Huey Lewis and the News. Night Ranger. Duran Duran. Corey Hart. I loved them all, but they were not Prince.) I received “Around the World in a Day” for my 15th birthday along with Phil Collins’s “No Jacket Required” and Paul Young’s “The Secret of Association.” “Around the World in a Day” made it into my car when I got my license in 1986. I have no idea what happened to the Phil Collins or Paul Young. My 18th birthday found me opening “Lovesexy” and Alphabet St. continues to blow me away.

People are dying and a lot of times it seems like the wrong people are dying and I know that sounds really shitty for me to say, so I’ll stop.

Like I always do when I have no idea what else to do, I made a shirt.

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(When I’m 85 years old, I’m sure I’ll have shirts that commemorate all sorts of crazy events. Here’s hoping my great-grandkids know that these shirts could make an amazing time capsule quilt. Maybe.)

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Here’s to 100 more.

April 11th, 2016 · 14 Comments · Daily

Things I’ve done every day for the past 100 days:
1. Shower
2. Eat food
3. Yoga

Today was my 100 day yoga anniversary and I celebrated by filling out forms for Meredith’s summer camp while drinking a caramel macchiato.

I also swatched for a cardigan:
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I also started the border for a shawl:
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I also made a bare bones quiche out of eggs, zucchini, and carrots:
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(While preparing the ingredients for the quiche, I cut my finger trying to pick zucchini out of my Veggetti, and that sounds a lot nastier than it was.)

Everything has changed since I started doing yoga. It’s my new favorite doughnut and if that doesn’t make sense, just know that the peace I feel after practicing yoga is the same peace I used to feel after sucking all of the raspberry jelly out of a raspberry jelly filled sugar doughnut. (Also, I’m much nicer now than I was 100 days ago. More mindful. More present. I can hold a side plank for 45 minutes.)

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(I’m lying. I can maybe hold one for 45 seconds, though, and that’s a heck of a lot more seconds than zero seconds which was my record 100 days ago.)

((I usually don’t wear shoes when I’m practicing yoga, but you don’t need to see that.))

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Man, I’m telling you, it’s a lapazoo.

April 6th, 2016 · 11 Comments · Daily

At approximately 4:37 this morning, I noticed that the toilet was no longer flushing and that the failure to flush resulted from the stopper no longer being connected to the up-down thinger dinger that is normally activated by the external flush lever. I got really pissed about it, but three hours later I drove in the rain past a car that had caught fire on the highway. THAT guy is having a rough day. I can fix a toilet. (I think.)

Unrelated but similarly frightening: Some guy overdosed on heroin close to our old shaved ice place yesterday and drove into a mom and dad who were pushing their two year old in a stroller. The toddler flew something like ten feet, but will be fine. (The weird thing? As Heroin Guy drove over the family, I was ten miles west eating a shaved ice at our NEW shaved ice place. It opened less than a month ago, and my current favorite is a mixture of blueberry muffin and cream soda. The blueberry muffin actually tastes like blueberry muffins!) 

I can fix a toilet.

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After taking the girls to school, I drove to my haircut place. (While driving, I noticed that the inside of my car smelled like opening a musty board game in the 70s. Nostalgia.) The woman who cuts my hair is smart and funny and talented and I CAN FIX A TOILET! I CAN! (I think I just need a replacement flapper, and the only reason I know Flapper is because I just Googled toilet parts. Also, the hairstyle I’m shooting for could almost be referred to as a flapper cut. I’ve never touched a dolphin, but I want to. (If I had a dolphin for a pet, I would name him (or her) Flapper.))

UPDATED TO ADD: I fixed a toilet. It took less than two minutes, but I’ll be all high from it for the rest of the day because that’s what trying new things will do for you. We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams!

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Three of your favorite topics: Feet, dreams, and yard stuff!

April 4th, 2016 · 9 Comments · Daily

The last thing I want to see when I walk into a hospital is someone’s feet, and because I’m not a hypocrite (at least not 100% of the time) I make it a personal rule to never wear sandals into a hospital. Last week I was all Birkenstocked and headed to visit a doctor when I remembered that her office moved into a hospital. I had no time to turn around and throw on my Low Pros, so I was my own worst enemy for approximately 90 minutes. (Not that flip-floppers in a hospital are enemies of mine. They’re not. I don’t believe I really have any enemies in a hospital as long as employees are working together to keep hearts beating and everyone else is staying out of the way. Have I ever mentioned that I used to wear a stethoscope around my neck when I was an intensive care unit secretary? I’m despicable.) ((Disclaimer: Some hearts should not keep beating. A doctor’s success rate shouldn’t always rely on how many people he/she keeps alive.))

Two nights ago I had a dream during which I took six Vicodin and then started making phone calls to see if I could find someone to give me a lift to the emergency room. Sadly, everyone I called was too busy. Eventually, I realized that the game I was playing wasn’t a smart one. (Please know that if you needed a lift to the emergency room, I would try my hardest to get to you. My gas tank is (nearly) always at least half full.)

Last night I was responsible for Cher calling off her concert in the middle of a song just because I accidentally took a photo without turning off my flash. Everyone in the stadium was booing and throwing things at me.

(Every few months I go through a 2-3 week stint during which I feel expendable. It hits me so hard that I manage to drag it into the Land of Nod. (Biorhythms are real.)) ((Jeff bought some relaxation tea for me yesterday after I spiraled into a weirdo panic attack. I felt it again this morning, so I drove straight to Home Depot to stare at plants.))

I’ve been thinking a lot about edging for our front yard. Three houses in the subdivision went on the market last week and each one of them sold within two days. I think it’s time for our yard to put on a fancier skirt, which means we’ve been using words like Phlox and Lilac and Trustworthy Tree Trimming Guy.

Two days ago I ate the best blueberry streusel doughnut, and my Fitbit just flashed “Burn it, A-Dawg.” So many bright spots.

EDITED TO ADD: Perhaps “expendable” was too strong of a word choice. Please know that I’m not experiencing any sort of crisis. With that said, thank you so much for the love! You guys honestly are the absolute best.

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Everything just keeps happening.

March 30th, 2016 · 10 Comments · Daily

On the final day of spring break, the dogs brought some dead bird parts into the house and lined them up in front of the television. I can now say that I’ve crossed the house holding a bird head, a wing, a leg, and some feathers. Some of you can’t say that. Some of you can say much worse.

Easter was decent, but my lack of planning made us miss church which bummed me out. Lunch was fine, but the post-lunch conversation about funerals and dying and wills and arrangements and so on folded me into a huge bouncing anxiety ball and as a result I’ve been taking migraine pills for the past two days. I know that the next twenty years are going to bring some really dreadful experiences my way and I like to think that I’m preparing by filling my toolbox with things like yoga and meditation and strong friendships and God, but the fact remains that I Don’t Want to Talk About It Right Now.

A group from Harper’s school found that they had extra money from a fundraiser. Because of this, they went shopping for a microwave this morning. After purchasing the microwave, they drove to the Ronald McDonald House where they donated the microwave to be used by families who are staying there. Good stuff.

Do you remember back in December when my migraine doc prescribed yoga and then told me that she wanted to see me in three months to talk about how much I love yoga? This morning was the three month appointment.

Migraine Doc: Well? Has anything changed since our last appointment?
Me: As of today, I’ve practiced yoga for 88 days in a row.
Migraine Doc: Really?!
Me: IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU! You made me do this, and I’m not sure why I resisted for so long and if the sun refused to shine I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles.
Migraine Doc: What?
Me: Led Zeppelin.
Migraine Doc: Is anything else going on?
Me: I caught ringworm from my cat, but we’re still friends.

I then told her about my current headache and that I think it’s just a remnant from Holy Week and I told her about my digestive stuff and how I’m self-diagnosing myself with Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth and she said, “Yep. That’s a popular one these days.”

And then I reminded myself that working on medical projects does not make me a doctor. (I think I would have been a decent doctor, though. Especially since my headache preventative also prevents me from crying.)

Before I left the office, the doctor told me that I’m awesome and I’m blessed. And I am. And so are you. (Even if you haven’t scraped bird brains out of your carpeting.)

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