The Sparkling Scrotal Steed

The girls have been playing with the most annoying unicorn purchased by my mother at a garage sale a few years back. (And that sentence is funny, because it now sounds like my mom often purchases unicorns at garage sales. The one in question was voted Most Annoying by the army of unicorns that are currently filling our home with sparkling rainbows and magical happiness and blue eyeshadow and whatnot.) When you press the eyes (or perhaps the ears or the horn or something) the unicorn begins to belt out a song that goes something like this: “I’m a something-cal unicorn something something glowing horn. We’ll have lots of fun today something something something play.” The only part of the song that really intrigues me is the “I’m a something-cal unicorn” phrase. For the life of me, I cannot figure out what the unicorn is saying. Yesterday as we rode to the store, I turned down the radio and sang “I’m a PRACTICAL unicorn” to see what sort of response I would get.

Meredith: No. I’m a BEAUTIFUL unicorn.

Me: I don’t think so. I’m a FUNCTIONAL unicorn?

Meredith: That doesn’t make sense. I’m a FESTIVAL unicorn?

This morning, Harper rode in on the unicorn singing the most perfect interpretation ever.

“I’m a testicle unicorn.”

Harper wins.

Testicle it is.

(Perhaps I should record the unicorn’s anthem and ask you to help us with the lyrics? Also, I’m in the mood to give away some muffins, so we could make a contest of it…) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

37 thoughts on “The Sparkling Scrotal Steed”

  1. My bet: MAGICAL. Magical unicorn, something something glowing horn. Makes total sense.

  2. You can have a contest if you want, but I don’t think anything is going to beat “testicle unicorn.”

    (Do you think someone is going to google “beat testicle unicorn” and be linked to this page? Because that would be awesome.

  3. I want to be a fly on the wall in your home/car for one week. I think it would be the most fun ever.

  4. PLEASE have said contest. Not only do I really want to hear the anthem now, but I feel like I need to win something to really roar into summer. Thank you! You’re COMIcal.

  5. Muffins? There are muffins?

    Testicle Unicorn is the funniest thing I’ve read all day and I don’t know that it could be topped as a lyric, but I vote for hearing the anthem. Please.

  6. The perfect post. You might as well wrap it up and put a bow on it cause it doesn’t get any better than this jewel right here!

    Also, other possible words:


  7. Now I am crying at my desk. Hee. I liked MC’s “that doesn’t make sense” response. So practical! Testicle unicorns for everyone!

  8. Oh, oh! We have that same annoying git of a unicorn, foisted on the firstborn by my mother in law. Whilst I was always of the opinion it was singing ‘magical’ now I HAVE to go fetch it from the basement so the new kid can play and I can hum about ‘testicle’ unicorns all day. Lemons into lemonade :-)

  9. ooooh, that reminds me of THAT TIME. This particular THAT TIME was when my husband, who was teaching elementary school at the time, was on an overnight field trip with his class. After lights-out, some of the girls ran to get him, squealing with terror, because their was a bug with “great huge hairy testicles” and they wanted him to squash it. Once they realized they meant tentacles, they got a little embarrassed.

  10. Our family has made up lyrics to so many songs…so shoot us the audio!

    My brother recently made up some great lyrics to the opening of the Kai Lan (sp) program. It just makes these shows much more tolerable.

    Do unicorns even have testicles?

  11. We have that same Unicorn. It was a Christmas gift to my daughter from my inlaws one year. She was into horses at the time. So they gave her the annoying unicorn. Like she wouldn’t notice it wasn’t a horse. Anyway, like all parents whose children have been given sound toys, I thought as much as she presses the blasted button, the batteries will go dead and then I will tell her doesn’t work anymore. Apparently they put everlasting batteries into this one. It worked for several years. As far as I know, it probably still works. It’s hidden in her closet and she is 9. It did start playing S-L-O-W-L-Y though and if you think it is annoying at normal speed. I never could tell what it said either but I though it was something like “I’m Uni the unicorn” and something about play and the second line is a mystery. The funny thing is there is a someone here at work whose ring on their cell phone reminds me of it.

  12. We picked up the book “Pinky Pie’s Spooky Dream” at a gargae sale last year. It was our first dose of pony and unicorn land so we didn’t realize how ridiculous the names were. Brent and I couldn’t read it with a straight facefor quite some time and Allison kept telling us it was a “serious” story and wanted to know why we were laughing.

  13. Whatever it is, it’s probably not “jellicle” as in “jellicle cats,” because that would be the worst kind of torture.

  14. Testicle unicorn works for me! Just for fun, I googled “words ending in cal”. I am armed!

    “I’m an unethical, nonsensical, ironical, cynical,

  15. Wait, not finished! I hit submit before I was done because I was laughing so hard..

    “I’m an unethical, nonsensical, ironical, cynical, overanalytical, rhetorical, nonreciprocal unicorn”.


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