Muffin Failures, Unicorn Videos, and Rear View Organs

Don’t you hate it when someone starts singing songs about giving away muffins and then they disappear for a week? Let the Truth Be Told: I never heard back from my muffin man. I’m going to contact one other person (Governor Muffin) to see what I can do, but right now it’s not looking good.

Speaking of not looking good, here’s the Testicle Unicorn, as seen on Pudding Laundry Day, which is pretty much every day, and I’m not sure why I need you to know that. Perhaps I’m just a bit embarrassed by all of the laundry baskets sitting around. Also, pay special attention to how the unicorn’s hair is gently blowing in the breeze. Please know that there was no breeze. The thing truly is magical. (Mythical? Testicle?):

Oh! And once again speaking of Not Looking Good, get this. The next time you see me you’re going to think “Wow. Something is different about her, but I can’t figure out what it is.” Here. Let me help you. It’s my gall bladder, or lack thereof! I’ll spare you the uglies. Just know that I have a surgical consult on Thursday! And the only thing that really gets my goat is the fact that this whole gall bladder extraction thing might affect my road trip to Chicago in a few weeks.

Turning Lemons into Lemonade, as I Often Do: Since I might not be able to deliver the muffins, perhaps I’ll knit up a sporty little gall bladder and one of you (very lucky) people will be able to place a spanking new handknit organ on your dashboard before the end of the summer (or winter, or whatever season you’re dealing with right now, turn, turn, turn). I’ll be in touch. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

38 thoughts on “Muffin Failures, Unicorn Videos, and Rear View Organs”

  1. We have a snowman that magically grows taller as he introduces himself and then sings “Jingle Bells.” Then at the end he says, “I’m melting! I’m melting!” and shrinks back down again. My boys cannot get enough of this thing. (I hid it away until next Christmas)

    The most entertaining part for us is that the introduction goes like this: Hi! I’m… Winter is here again!

    The husband and I speculate that it was perhaps supposed to be named Frosty, but they couldn’t get the licensing rights and they had already recorded the thing minus the name, but someone didn’t wait for the go-ahead on a name and they had already produced a bunch of growing/shrinking snowmen at that point and so aw, what the Hell, send them to CVS and sell them for $8.99 (which is where husband bought it three years ago).

    Or maybe none of that happened. We still enjoy shouting out names where there surely is supposed to be one.

    Good luck on your surgery!

  2. I gotta concur with “magical.” Also, I was imagining a female voice for some reason, so this is even more funny than I would have guessed.

  3. I’m curious as to why it “speaks” the galloping…especially after it talks about flying…but I”ll have you know my two year old wanted me to play the video like 8 times in a row. Kids! They’re insane!

    Also, sucks to your gall bladder, what are they good for anyway?!?!

  4. Amy–I am in love with your snowman story. Imagining you screaming out different names during the pause? Priceless.

    Liz–It is a female. A female who smokes three packs each day and is often seen involved in awkward skirmishes at truck stops.

    Meg–I like to pretend the galloping is really a death rattle.

  5. Ugh. Sorry to hear about the gall bladder revolt (or is that a revolting gall bladder?).

    And someone needs to stop giving the horse so much cud.

  6. It says “I’m a PURPLE unicorn” only, it has a plummy little accent, so it sounds like puh-rpl unicorn. So glad I could help. Or did I just kill the magic?

    As for the gallbladder, you will be so much happier without it! Egad, the pain of a gallbladder attack, the horrible wrenching pain. The surgery was nothing – NOTHING – compared to a bad attack. Just think of it as a chance to lie down for a few hours in the middle of the day!

  7. My brother had his gall bladder ectomied a week ago. He came out with 4 tiny holes – no lie, it’s like he cut himself shaving or something. (If he had shaved the inside of his navel.) (And three other rather surprising places.) As lb says, he is much happier without it. The nervousness before the surgury was MUCH worse than the recovery afterwards. Still, bless you, hope it goes perfectly.

  8. I left my heart in San Franciso, I left my gallbladder in North Sydney. Doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it? But really, the worst part about having my gallbladder removed (at the relatively young age of 44) was the smell of the vegetable soup some loon had ordered for my dinner the night after the operation. Just one whiff of that sucker and I was off, vomiting fit to burst my steri-strips.

    And that’s the other disappointing thing – no stitches! I have 3 little holes to show for it, mid-sternum, belly button & just on the waist, all pale as sin and less than interesting, and not a single stitch was there.

    You’ll be fine, you’ll be happier without it and you’ll be able to eat avocado again without spending a couple of hours bent over like a broken clown (well, I could!).

    I’ll be thinking warm pudding-y thoughts in your general direction (oh, and make sure the knitted bladder is a nice shade of puce!).

  9. I call dibs on that knitted gallbladder. I had mine removed (in St. Louis!) years ago and it was a breeze. Just remember that 3-4 months after your surgery to still be careful – and not do things like, you know, hike and climb for several hours. Because if you do? Owwwwww.

    Also? Death Rattle made me guffaw!

  10. I’d go with pustule.
    I’ll be thinking on your gall bladder…which may be pustule-ish as well!

    Feeling a little queasy now, and hoping for the best.

  11. I had a former co-worker who could see auras after having her gall bladder removed. Actually, that’s not really true. She always claimed she could see auras. I didn’t believe her. The truth is, she was much more pleasant after her gall bladder was gone, which made me want to believe her. That’s something, I guess.

  12. Had my gallbladder removed almost 20 years ago at the ripe young age of 21. It was a breeze! You’ll be glad you did it FP. I’ll still keep positive thoughts for you though. ((HUGS))

  13. I found myself staring at the horse’s mouth — or puh-pul unicorn (i concur) as the case may be — and trying to read its lips, as if that would help me understand the song better. Geesh.

    Best of luck with the icky bladder galls!

  14. Your commenting readers crack me up. (well, as do you, but that’s a given) Isabella Golightly’s “bent over like a broken clown”…awesome. However, I misread her last statement about thinking warm pudding-y thoughts in your general direction as genital direction. And, then, wondered, “Hmm, they’re taking her gallbladder out through there? Interesting.”

    Positive vibes to you and your woebegone gallbladder. And, I guess I could think warm pudding-y thoughts in your genital direction, although I’m not generally inclined to bat for that team. But, whatever helps keep you on the up-and-up.

  15. personally…I hear “I’m a testical unicorn, rainbow balls & glowing horn”… and I can’t stop laughing. Bad ears! Bad, bad ears!!!

    Thank goodness I am alone in the office today.

    And best of luck on your surgery!!! I am really, really, really wanting a knitted gall bladder now. That would be awesome :)

  16. I am pretty sure it is saying magical. I tried to read his lips as well but if you don’t watch him and turn it up it sounds like magical.

  17. Aieeee — too bad about the surgery, but I’m sure you’ll feel tons better afterwards. Besides, what could be wrong with an enforced mid-day nap, followed by at least a day or two (I’m guessing) of required lying around and being waited on hand and foot? Gallbladder be gone!

    Good thoughts streaming your way from here, Kiddo!

  18. PS: All those laundry baskets? We used to have them all over the place at our house too. Now? They’re really great for storage. Laundry piles too shall pass :-)

  19. I heard “I’m a special unicorn”! But the rest of it was like the teacher voice on Charlie Brown, I couldn’t understand a word of that.

  20. Instead of knitting a gall bladder, you could just ask to bring home your diseased one in a jar. You could probably even charge people in Chicago to see it, or have their picture taken with it. Because you know there are people who would pay to do that.

  21. If you’re knitting organs, could I please have a pancreas? I really want one for my kitchen, to give me the evil eye when I eat too many sugary foods. My real one is named “Pancky.”

  22. I found you randomly today, and the testical unicorn is hilarious! That thing would drive me nuts…so glad I have boys!! Anyways, mystery solved:

    “I’m a classical unicorn, rainbow colors and glowing horn. We’ll have lots of fun today when you come with me and play.”

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