Can I talk about feminine protection over here?

Let’s just get all of the nasty stuff out of the way, shall we? (Warning: This post contains paragraphs that might make boys uncomfortable. And perhaps some girls. And because I used the word Warning, I cannot guarantee where we’re going to end up when all of this is over, but at least I know I’m covered. Buckle up, Sporty.)

By the way, I’ve been meaning to put something up at Fluid Pudding for the past several days, but it seems that I’m unable to draw a suitable picture of me with chickens flying out of my stomach. Please know that I have a story to tell you, but it will have to wait until I can draw the chickens flying out of my stomach. I’ll accept submissions. (Please know that the face of a girl with chickens flying out of her stomach does not carry a smile. It’s a face that showcases the bowels of despair. And that pun really was sort of intended, but I’m not going to slap something up here that will cause BlogHer to be all, “Hello! No more pictures of bowels on your face. This is your first and final warning.”)

This morning I took a tampon out of the box (Whoa! Hey! I warned you!), and the side of the package said “Practice makes perfect.” You’re right. It does! With that said, I’ve been at this game since the summer after seventh grade. Lots of practice. Out of curiosity, I grabbed another out of the box. “Go for the goal.” (The goal seems obvious. No leakage?) The next one said, “Explore new forms of fearlessness.” (I can assure you that I do NOT want to explore new forms of fearlessness within the realm of tampon insertion. Good night.)

I remember a few months back when everyone was up in arms because Always was printing things like “Have a nice period.” on the inside of their sanitary napkin wrappers. Personally, I prefer that over “Go for the goal.” This particular box of tampons was on sale a few months back, and I purchased them despite the fact that they are marketed for active sporty girls. (I am most definitely NOT an active sporty girl, although I *did* attempt to do yoga a few nights back. When the instructor (on the DVD, because I rarely leave my home) said, “Nice work! Now we’re all warmed up and ready to begin!” I turned off the television and began to weep.) Are there active sporty girls out there who are exiting the bathroom feeling encouraged and all ready to play volleyball after reading the side of their tampon wrapper? I want to meet those active sporty girls! (Sort of.) ((Not really.))

I’ve come up with a few phrases I wouldn’t mind seeing on my future tampons.

“Let’s get this thing over with.”

“Please don’t forget me up there like you almost did that one time.”

“My job is worse than your job. Nothing you can say will make me feel differently.”

“Are you hungry? Because it’s okay if you want to eat an entire pan of brownies.”

I could go on and on, but I’m keeping the best ones to myself just in case the tampon people want to call me. (Call me, tampon people!)

It’s a snow day over here, so I’ll spare you the story of how I’m still (figuratively!) paying for the pedicures that I received over the summer, and how I will NEVER go to that particular nail salon again.

Have I made you wince? I think you’re so pretty. Let’s explore new levels of fearlessness. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

42 thoughts on “Can I talk about feminine protection over here?”

  1. “Don’t forget me…” bwahhahaha! My daughter keeps asking me what I’m laughing at. So not telling. Oh, and last post – Mere looks more like Jeff with each passing year. Genetics are so weird – she used to look just like mini you!

  2. a while back there was a (one, single, uno) “conversation starter” on the salad dressing bottle. I think it was meant to encourage family dinners (together, with healthy salad, and good conversation!) We laughed and laughed in my family – because really, how long does it take to go through a bottle of salad dressing – is ONE conversation starter really going to help you there?

    My shampoo bottle had a joke on it one time. That seemed stupid too -for similar reasons – how long will I be laughing at your lame joke…..through an entire bottle of shampoo?! Seems unlikely.
    Who comes up with these things? Where are the sensible people who should be shooting them down before they actually end up being put into production?!

  3. I am laughing so hard right now!! You need to take this one all the way to the bank, my friend. I would almost welcome my period each month if I could have the really good belly laugh I just had by reading your tampon phrases.

    (Also, it’ gives me such solace to hear this one: “Please don’t forget me up there like you almost did that one time.”)

  4. Wince? You haven’t been in as many reusable feminine protection conversations as I have been. Obviously.

    I can free you from the messages. But you have to be open, er, minded.

  5. That was hilarious.

    I can’t help but be suspicious that any person(s) with the idea to print advice, cutie-pie phrases or *any* copy on tampons or pads doesn’t use them due to having a penis.

  6. New levels of fearlessness = me ( burly biker dude) reading this post and still being amused… But not daring to laugh or even crack a smile because there is NO WAY I could ever explain to anyone what I am reading.

    That being said, I expect some a modicum of sympathy from all the ladies out there when I blog about hair growing out of my ears, my prostate going rogue on me and other weird goings on in this 40 year old body.

    Do we have a deal? Cool.

    I AM PRETTY!

  7. Oh, goodness, I wish I could draw chickens.

    As soon as I read bowels, I was reminded of this little project. (That’s just…awkward. Hey, Angela Pudding, your bowels are a mental prompt for me! Anyway…)

    http://fluidpudding.com/2009/08/27/your-neighbors-will-be-green-i-tell-you/#more-1233

    I had completely forgotten about that foolishness. It was a shame that no one actually went through with a shirt order. I would love to find out how folks would have explained what it meant.

    The only reason I was able to search this out so quickly (or at all, really, FAFPBPA doesn’t have a lot of sticking power as these things go) is that the whole thing coincided with a trip I took to San Francisco.

  8. my daughter had an epiphany while with the Tide bottle while doing laundry a few months back. “Twist cap for quicker flow.” If only……. I will tell her to be fearless.

  9. Oh woman…I just read your suggestions out loud to my husband…laughing the whole time. It almost made me miss periods. Almost. Hey, I’d buy a box of tampons just to read the ones we didn’t hear…

  10. Mr Golightly, before he was Mr Golightly, made me laugh out loud once when he saw tampon advertising on the TV, by saying that it (tampon advertising) must be pretty effective, because roughly half the population does it (need tampons). Oh. I thought it was funny. And clever. Guess that why I married him, Gentle Readers. And who needs jokes on the equipment? The whole thing is a big joke, if you ask me, invented by evolution to remind us that we are smaller, weaker and slightly crazed on average once a month. Gah.

  11. So. Darn. Funny! I have been out of the period game since July so I didn’t know about the quotes on tampons. I like yours better for sure!

  12. I don’t need words of encouragement with my feminine hygiene products, I need ICE CREAM! When are those marketing geniuses going to do a deal with Ben & Jerry’s, for crying out loud? Then they can print quotes on tampons like “Now that that’s over with, go have a pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk – on me!”

  13. CrazyMomTats made me choke on my super fiber cereal!

    Also, I will be waiting somewhat nervously for the chicken/bowel story.

  14. This made me laugh so much…

    “One word: chocolate”

    Best phrase, hands down: “My job is worse than your job”

    teeheehee

    Thanks for a morning giggle Angela!

  15. OK.. I LOVE this post. I am at the age where periods are starting to be finished.. the doctor had a name for it.. perimenopause.. SO anyway since I learned how to use a tampon.. by a girl I went to school with yelling directions through the door.. I realized that applicators were NOT for me.. I didn’t realize you were supposed to take the card board out.. so anyway I found OB tampons. You put them at the edge of your finger and push them up yourself.. you know where it is cause you put it there and they really work. SO.. now i have a few periods a year (yeah me).. a couple months ago I started and realized I needed to by more tampons.. I went to Deirbergs, Schnucks, Walgreens.. in Chesterfield, St Louis City, St Charles County.. ALL over the place.. no one had my tampons, I was bitching, needing chocolate and a tampon.. NOT a great combination ( i really should have opened up my dusty blog and posted this myself).. so anyway I read they may be discontinuing them.. I am freaking OUT.. I bought some type with an applicator and I’m reading the directions and am NOT happy about it… just this week I had another period and what happened.. I didn’t have anything in my purse.. cause the applicator ones don’t fit in the zipper area.. so I go to the Maryland Heights Walgreens and OMFG they have 3 boxes.. and I bought all three.. and I was so excited but wasn’t comfortable posting it as my status on facebooks since I’m friends with my priest and my father in law and a boy in grade school that i had a crush on.. oh and my 11 year old step son.. I did tell EVERYONE that was in line at Walgreens though… and now I feel SO much better telling you :-) and yes.. the brownie one is SO true.. I bought my 3 boxes of tampons and a box of oreos..

  16. Wince? Never. Double over with laughter? Heck, yes!

    Make sure you tell us which brand you end up writing for, I will break up with my other brand and buy them from here on out.

  17. I am so very glad my male office mate is away this afternoon because he probably would have asked me what I was reading, what with the sputtering and attempts to suppress the laughter.

    Maybe the slogan on the side could actually be a serialized story, or a choose your own adventure… I’d end up reading the whole box in one go but it would be better than “explore new forms of fearlessness”

  18. Quite possibly the funniest freaking thing I’ve read all month – thank you for breaking the winter dolldrums!

    “caution: I’ll spin like the dial on a compass”

  19. Remember this one the next time you question whether you’ve run out of blog fodder. The way you look at the world? There will *always* be blog fodder!

    And Brinski! I need the link to your blog!! Have been looking specifically for a “big burly biker guy” blog to balance out the hormone ratio of my regular reads (seriously — tell FP to forward it to me if you don’t want to advertise here — she can even give you references for me as a commenter :-))

  20. I just posted on FB not long ago about how I’m sick of one-use things having phrases on them – Dove Promises, Taco Bell sauces, and now Halls cough drops. Know what I don’t need, Halls? A “pep talk.”

  21. I have to agree with Sandy. I just opened a Dove chocolate. The wrapper read that I should: “Be my own Valentine.” My mom always told me that I could go blind doing that. (tee,hee)

  22. Ahaha! I love this.
    I do the Crunch Pilates thing on Netflix (And by “do”, I mean “did regularly for four months before I realized that the entire Veronica Mars series was on Netflix and no longer had time to exercise.” And after the first fifteen minutes she says, “Wasn’t that a great warm-up?” And every. single. time. I wanted to throw my shoe at the tv. But I was wheezing too hard to bend down and wrestle it off of my foot.

  23. Sooo funny!
    I’m feeling snarky, so:
    “Proceed with caution.”
    “Do not release until fully inserted.”
    “It could be worse.”
    @MP: Noooo! Do not tell me ob are being discontinued… Menopause can’t come soon enough for me.

  24. I think tampons could certainly score an episode on Dirtiest Jobs (or whatever that show is called).

    I have a love/hate relationship with Tampons. I like that they keep everything “up” there so I don’t have it splayed across my undergarments and clothing, HOWEVER…recently I’ve developed a sensitivity (read: cramping) when using them. I swear if I have to resort to pads I’ll get that laser treatment and fry off my uterus’ inner lining so as to NEVAH EVAH have a period again.

    Amen.

  25. seriously? motivational talks from tampons? geesh. In England tampons are quiet. They don’t talk to you.

    Which, in my books, is very very good.

  26. You are a great story teller. My friend Mario was also. This partly why I like to read your blog. You remind me of him. Best, Ani

  27. I have that same box of tampons. Well, obviously not THAT box but that same brand and I’ve wondered that same thing. I would totally buy tampons that had sayings like you listed though. Because seriously my period always makes me extra snarky. Also, did you hear about there being a shortage of OB tampons?

    Apparently some anti-applicator people are turning to a menstrual cup. I made the mistake of looking that up. Someone recommended if it fills up while you’re not home you can just empty it in the public restroom then use the toilet to wash it out before reinserting it. Also, you apparently have to insert and then twirl it for a seal. I’m telling you this so you don’t need to look it up and read the worst parts.

  28. A couple of days ago my my two year old joined me in the bathroom and rummaged around under the sink. “You want a panty liner?” “No, thank you,” I replied. So she picked up an overnight pad and thrust it in my face: “You want a HYOOUGE one!?!?” “No, really kiddo, I’m fine. Check back next week.”

  29. My last tampoon wrapper read “Really? Three ultras at once overnight? For Chrissakes, get thee to your gyno!” Hello IUD, good-bye menses!

    But my son is allergic to nuts which rules out fortune cookies (almond), and it seems like my only post-Kung-Pao psychic option for him is sporty tampoons. This will scar him in ways I can’t project.

  30. I was JUST reading some of those sayings to my husband this morning. He said they are basically fortune tampons. And you know what? He’s right.

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