Me: Okay. The music is getting louder. It’s time for us to have a conversation.
My sister: What is it?
Me: If everyone around us starts to dance, are you going to join them?
My sister: No. I’m not.
Me: Good. Because me neither. Do you see that lady over there? Have you ever done that before and actually meant it?
My sister: You mean raising the roof?!
Me: Yes. Raising the roof.
My sister: No.
Me: Good. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I danced with abandon.
My sister: Who is Amanda?
Me: I don’t know anyone named Amanda!
My sister: Is that why you can’t remember dancing with her?!
Me: I’ve never danced with Amanda! IT’S GETTING SO LOUD WE CAN’T EVEN HEAR EACH OTHER! WHAT IF WE GET SEPARATED?! SHOULD WE COME UP WITH A SAFE WORD?!
My sister: I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO STICK ANYTHING INTO YOUR BUTT!!!
This morning I found myself at my annual gynecologist appointment. (I know! Nice segue with the butt thing, right? Kind of!) Because I let the cat out of the bag regarding the fact that I tend to cycle (heh) for two to three weeks at a time, she decided to take a uterine biopsy.
Me: Do I have to come back for that?
My doctor: Nope. It’s quick. I’ll just do it before I do your pap smear.
Me: Cool beans.
(My slang tends to reach back into the 80s when I’m at the gynecologist. (I spent a lot of time in stirrups back then, too.) Pants. Stirrup pants! HA HA HA!!! I also wore a lot of brooches and fake pearls, Molly Ringwald.)
My doctor, slightly opening the exam room door: Nancy? Can I get a little help in here?
Me: Wait. Why Nancy? Is this going to hurt?
My doctor: You’ll probably feel a little bit of “WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?” but by the time you get to THERE, I’ll be done.
Me: What the–
My doctor: When I count to three, I want you to give me a cough. One, two…
Me: COUGH COUGH COUGH WHATAREYOUDOINGDOWNTHERE COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!!!
My doctor: All done. You’ll probably be cramping and bleeding for the rest of the day.
And I am, and I am.
Psst! My Acer now has an arm! I just might have a new sweater to wear to marching band competitions! (See how I left us on a happy note? Fluid Pudding is a roller coaster!)