Puppies and Celine Dion rage! Also, DSM-IV 300.23 with a side of epistaxis!

I need writing prompts! I need to step away from Instagram and Facebook and hang out over here some more! Last week I tried to write every day, and it looks like I crapped out after Monday and Tuesday. Summer is so difficult for me, what with the eating like an idiot and entertaining the kids and reading books and freelancing and whatnot…

Last week we signed up to participate in this morning’s Whiskers and Tales event at the library. The local Love on a Leash chapter was there with eight adorable dogs, and each child got to choose a dog and read to that dog for twenty minutes.  Meredith read during the first round, Harper read during the second round, and because so many kids cleared out after round two, Meredith and Harper stuck around to read again during rounds three and four.

This photo was taken during the second round. As Harper read to Lola, Meredith hugged, scratched, and petted Lola. (We loved Lola.)

Her name was Lola.

Speaking of Harper, she is now wearing glasses.

Girls Who Wear Glasses

She has always been jealous of Meredith’s glasses, and she often tries on my glasses and wears them around the house. Sadly, her vision is perfect, and she has no need for a prescription. Ah, but last week she had ten dollars and we found ourselves strolling around a store that sold plastic lenses for nine dollars, and finally! (She has received many compliments on her glasses. She is quite pleased with her purchase.)

This morning I spent nearly twenty minutes watching Celine Dion videos. A friend on Facebook posted a video of Ms. Dion singing an Adele song and it made me so angry and I wanted to find some footage from the Oprah episode that featured Celine Dion because that woman drives me crazy (Clarification: Celine drives me crazy. Oprah? I can’t relate to her, but I don’t necessarily want to beat her up in my front yard.) and I wanted to be able to show people WHY she drives me crazy, and the more time I spent watching Celine Dion videos the more angry and sickened I became, and finally I found myself hurling frozen chicken breasts at the computer screen because, yes! Here are some highlights from that Oprah show. (If you can’t watch it without feeling rage, we should get together and do the tapas thing sometime because I think we could share tidings of great joy as well as a plate of fig marmalade on fancy bread.)

Yesterday I went “running” for the fourth time since May 31. (I’m trying to stick at least 48 hours between “runs” so that my left leg doesn’t crack.) Anyway, I’m finding that when I get to the track, more often than not, someone is already there. I then take off walking in the same direction as that person so that I never find myself face-to-face with them. Have I ever mentioned my weird social anxiety? I have? Well, take that anxiety and multiply it by 34 when I’m “running” toward someone and feeling the need to make eye contact. Okay. Yesterday I got to the track and quickly learned that it was going to be a counter-clockwise day. Fine by me. When I was about halfway through my program, an older woman showed up at the track and started walking clockwise! Argh! Are you kidding me? I “ran” past her and gave her a half-smile. I “ran” past her again and noticed that she was looking at me, so I gave her the same half-smile. (Please know that I just spent about 20 minutes trying to take a photo of myself giving a half-smile. Failure.) After about four awkward and hating it half-smiles, I ripped my ear buds out (it was my final cool down lap which means Then She Appeared was playing), gave the woman a full-on crazy smile, and yelled/sputtered, “IT’S SO HOT OUT HERE!” (I lack creative openers when my heart and knees are on the verge of blowing up.) Anyway, as soon as I passed her, she CHANGED DIRECTIONS so that we didn’t have to face each other again. Half of me celebrated a tiny OCD victory, because finally! Everyone was moving in the same direction! The other half felt a little MORE self-conscious (is it even possible?!) because I really do feel like my awkward and loud “IT’S SO HOT OUT HERE!” freaked the lady out.

As soon as I got to my car, I looked in the mirror and noticed that my nose ring was bleeding, and I had a dime-sized spot of dried blood on the side of my face.

The woman changed directions because I was an unpredictable semi-fast-moving hypertensive psycho and she couldn’t help me or fight me if things moved closer to the edge! (My philosophy: If you cannot (or are unwilling to try to) help someone, you should be willing/able to fight them. I’m looking at you, Celine Dion. You too, Naomi Judd.)

A big part of me loves that I scared that woman. Another big part of me wants to bake something and keep it in my car in case I ever run into her again. I feel like I owe her an Apology Pecan Pie. It won’t freak her out at all if she sees me “running” toward her with a steaming hot pie plate, right?

Let’s meet up here more often, shall we? I miss you. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

24 thoughts on “Puppies and Celine Dion rage! Also, DSM-IV 300.23 with a side of epistaxis!”

  1. see, when I read that you wanted to bake something and keep it in your car incase you ever met up with her again I immediately started nodding to myself like “amen sister!” because I THOUGHT you would eat that baked good to soothe your post-run-in psyche (NOT give HER the baked goods! What were you thinking??? : ))

    Also – Meredith looks adorable. I love the glasses/missing teeth combo. Painfully cute!

  2. I’m not glad that you have social anxiety and dorky (to you) exchanges with people that you dwell on later. I AM glad I am not the only one who does. I spent the 45 minute drive home from a party Sunday with my head in my own lap from the exhaustion of feeling like an idiot for the two hours prior (luckily I wasn’t driving).

    (Was the capitalized AM too much?)

    Also, I love Harper’s glasses and think the idea of the Whiskers and Tales event is inspired!

  3. Love the glasses. Love the Celine Dion RAGE. Love the idea of you running after some terrified woman with a pecan pie. I don’t run, but I have the same anxiety when walking down a long hallway at work and someone is headed toward me. I’m getting all clammy just thinking about it.

  4. A.) We can take turns kicking and beating Celine Dion… I’m all in.
    2.) We really need to work on that social disorder thing, because honestly I think you handled the woman just fine, the issue shouldn’t be any guilt, it should be a high 5 with with celebratory cupcakes because you need to make your disorders into personal contests and that one was definitely trophy worthy!

  5. You’re back! I almost sent you an email asking where your entertaining posts were. I did not send that email because I realize it’s not your job to entertain me. But your posts are always so entertaining – and when there are none I get a little twitchy. Sadly, while I enjoy Facebook, it doesn’t usually rise the full-on -funny level that a real blog post does. Glad you are back. Thank you for making me smile!

    Those glasses are awesome and good for her for emulating her style icons: Mom and Sister!

    OH – I should mention that your Mark Twain awards post inspired some reading at our house too – and my daughter took her new library card (the cap on books for the parent card was really crimping our libravorous style) and checked out three of the books on the list! So please tell Meredith I may be looking for some book reviews from her in the future to see if the girls enjoyed the same books.

    Celine Dion is very strange to me. My favorite Celine moment was when she sang on the Oscars (Grammy’s? Some award show) with the Andrea Bocelli – and she’s singing so hard it looks like her head might explode, and she’s ready to start beating her chest and all that, and he’s NOT EVEN CLOSE to maximum vocal strength or effort and he’s blowing her out of the water. I like Andrea a lot. I like Celine…..not at all. Sometimes I want to like her songs, but she bugs.

    Yay you! You are running!

    Okay – I’ve completed my point by point comment. I’m heading home!

  6. True story: I used to get Celine Dion confused with Enya. I seriously did not know which was which. Ever since I figured it out, I’ve sort of felt like I owed Enya an apology. Sorry, Enya! I live in Texas! I can’t tell Canadian from Irish!

    Also, I’m pretty sure running/walking clockwise on a track is actually against the law (except in Ireland)(or maybe Canada).

  7. Harper and I have matching glasses (except mine came with a prescription that said “Whoa girl, you blind!”)

    Also? I would like to stalk you on instagram. Because I like to keep things creepy like that.

  8. And one more thing – I decided I hated Celine Dion when she insisted that the fan page/tumblr of “ridiculous pictures of Celine Dion” be taken down. It was hilarious and she went all diva about it.

  9. I’m so confused! I don’t know anything about Celine Dion except I think she sang that song on “Titanic.” I watched the vidio you had the link for and a few more that were at that link, but I didn’t hurl any chicken breasts. I didn’t think she was very interesting, but the guy on one video said she was the best-selling female artist of all time. Why does she make you crazy? I love your blog and have always liked what you wrote but this one escapes me. What did I miss?? Help!!

  10. Only my geographical location has prevented me from viewing Celine Dion videos, which are apparently not available in my location. Thank the Lord.

  11. It’s alarming that your garments and accessories attack you from time to time.

  12. I cannot bear to lay eyes on Celine Dion. When I do I find myself trying to mimic that thing she does with her neck. I do it in a way that’s making fun of her, but I wake up sore from it the next day.

  13. 1. I love you for linking to the Phoebe Run. One of my all-time favorite episodes!

    2. I am so proud of you for getting back on the track! I used to add quotation marks when I spoke of running also. Then I talked to someone I considered a “real” runner and asked her when I could realistically call myself a runner. She said, “If you move your body from Point A to Point B in a jog-like fashion, then you are a runner.” You are a runner, my friend.

    3. I watched that Celine Dion clip, and then another suggested Oprah/Celine Dion clip, and I think it made me dislike them both a little more. Hm.

  14. I love this whole post just because I dislike Celine Dion so much. I have never quite understood why she thinks she is all that, her voice is quite annoying to me.

    And, I will talk to anyone about anything and I have noticed that most people think that people like me are strange for talking to them because we are strangers. Im not by the way…strange that is.

    Having said that, I will look at you oddly and pretend to be freaked if you will bake me a pecan pie.

  15. The idea that anyone would go clockwise on a track messes with my sense of order and control. Always counter-clockwise people! Haven’t you watched the Olympics? *scratches uncontrollably*

  16. Celine? Yep. not a favorite.
    Oprah? Lukewarm, but am often told by my team that I am like her. (I never know how to take that.)

    I’ll take the pie.

  17. one more – Dave Glover once said that Celine Dion was the result of a one night stand between Jiminey Cricket and a wig.

  18. OMG LOL pharmgirl – I will never be able to look at Celine Dion without thinking of a big ol’ cricket.
    Okay – I am not a big Kathy Griffin fan – but in the right nav of the Oprah/Celine video is a video of Kathy Griffin making fun of Celine – her imitations are spot on.

  19. I so love that there is an event where people read to dogs…how totally great is that?! This from the woman who is known to wave at dogs walking down the sidewalk or in the car beside her.

    Celine Dion…yeah, no. And that video was probably the most annoying thing I’ve seen in a long time.

    Pharmgirl…Oprah? Really? Fire the idiots! Jiminey Cricket in a wig…that’s perfect and a visual that can never be undone.

  20. Good for you running again! I hate when I walk by someone and realize they are looking at me and I have to give them a fake smile. Is it more rude to be fake or to not acknowledge the other person? I just don’t know.

  21. Love the glasses…nothing like a little bit of ‘face furniture’ to help you make a spectacle of yourself and add to your face value…she of the numerous pairs ‘nose’ these things xx

  22. You should check out the Celine Dion on SNL. That is what I think about every time I hear her name.

    Can I borrow Harper to help me pick out glasses?

  23. Celine has been on my list since she covered a Air Supply song early in her career.

    Tracks should always be walked or run counter-clockwise, lest the Earth be thrown off it’s axis. Also, earbuds give you permission to ignore or just smile without interaction…and one time is enough, in my socially awkward opinion.

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