One?! If even?!

Jeff was in North Carolina all week, so I did what I always do when he is out of town. I went pretend dress shopping at ModCloth. This is how it works: I put the kids to bed, I jump on the computer, and I spend (probably too much) time browsing the styles I like. I then put all of my favorites into a shopping cart to see how much it would cost to have everything. I then take every single dress OUT of the shopping cart and go to bed. No one gets hurt.

Ah, but Wednesday evening was a bit different. I had spent the better part of the afternoon working on a freelance project, so I decided to actually order a dress. I turned to Facebook, where several of my most fashionable friends hang out, and I presented them with three options: This, this, or this (which is NOT from ModCloth, but is still very cute). At the end of the evening, I went with the Craft Festival Dress. (It was the last one in stock. Victory!)

This afternoon, the girls and I found ourselves at a mall choosing a Father’s Day gift for Jeff. While there, I noticed that two teenaged boys were quietly (but not quietly enough) rating women as they walked by. My gut reaction was to quickly change directions and find a different route to our destination. (Believe me, I also considered confronting the boys, but deep down I knew it would have done more harm than good—especially since my voice shakes and it sounds like I’m about to cry whenever I confront anyone. “Stop judging women! I’m not crying about this despite my quivering tone!”) Because I’m a sucker for the whole “shortest distance between two points” thing, we soldiered on. The woman in front of me, who was probably in her mid 30’s, was wearing a pair of tight jeans and a shiny tank top. Her hair was up in a sloppy ponytail, and she was pushing a stroller. She scored a five. I decided that although I was wearing a brown cotton dress that sort of resembles a cleaning uniform, I could possibly outscore Ponytail Mom if I put a confident smile on my face and perhaps a bit of a bounce in my step. With the girls at my side (they had no idea what was going on, and I wasn’t about to tell them, because I DO know how disgusting it is), I did my runway walk.

Boy #1: One.

Boy #2: If even.

How deflating! I know I’m no Cindy Crawford mom, but a One?! And an If Even?! (I’m so self-conscious of my neck lately. I wonder if my neck had anything to do with my low score. Also, my posture is terrible if I’m not actively thinking about it!)

When I returned home from the mall, I received an e-mail from ModCloth. Apparently, there had been a mix-up with the dress I ordered and it ended up NOT being available after all. They refunded my money and offered a coupon that included free shipping toward the purchase of a new dress.

This was a sign from the universe. (I’m pretending that) I couldn’t care less about those boys and their shoddy rating system. However, perhaps at 42 I really SHOULD try a bit harder to _______ ______ _______. (Try a bit harder to what? I have no idea. I’ve been sitting here for three minutes trying to complete that sentence. Try a bit harder to showcase my inner Amelie? Try a bit harder to not give a crap? Hrm. So many directions.)

Anyway, I once again turned to Facebook. (Because that’s what I do.) This (which I really love, and I can see myself wearing all year round with a black cardigan and leggings—so Amelie-esque!) or this (which will force me to look like I give a crap!)? My friends had definite opinions about both dresses. (One person was brave enough to say that those who voted for the Dressing Room Dress are not my real friends.) Although I definitely wanted to walk away with both dresses, I eventually chose the winner and checked out. I will be bedecking myself with the victor in the next 7-10 business days and will probably need your shoe opinions at that time.

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27 thoughts on “One?! If even?!”

  1. I love “Dressing Room Dress” and I don’t care what your “friend” said! I like the other dress also, but it’s just not as cute and useful. (I didn’t really like the Craft Festival Dress.) And who cares what those kids think anyway? There idea of a 10 would have been someone with huge boobs in a bikini!

  2. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the point at all (although – sidenote – I need to remind myself to raise my sons to not be the kind of teenagers who rate women out loud at the mall) but I just went down the rabbit hole of Chorus Line clips on youtube and now I want to watch the whole movie even though it will make me both weepy and incredibly tired since it’s midnight.

  3. The only teenage boys you should be concerned with are the ones who will be cat-calling your daughters in fewer years than you want to think about. They are far too clueless to place any value on a woman who is a real woman (and they couldn’t handle even if given the opportunity).

    All your dress choices are good — you are one of the lucky people who just look cute in all manner of dresses. Enjoy that, and let the little punks at the mall wallow in their own ignorance. You’ll have to deal with the likes of them sooner than you want, and you will NOT be concerned what their rating of you is.

  4. Methinks “la red’ denotes your style more than “la kinda coffee colour”… anyhoos you will wear what you will choose (being the stylish woman you are) & boohoo to anyone who disagrees xx

  5. You would look amazing in the red dress! It’s adorable and classy and all kinds of fun! Also, boys who rate women who are old enough to be their older sister….creepy.

  6. Should you ever have an opportunity again, turn around, walk back, look them up and down and pronounce your judgment.


    works every time.

  7. Dearest, I’m sure that if you had on tight jeans and a shiny tank top you’d have rated at least an 11 on their scale.

    However, in spite of your attempt to rise above, your recognition of their creepiness surrounded you like a protective bubble. And, do you really want to be on their teenage hottie scale?

  8. Teenage boys are notoriously conservative in their ideas of what constitutes “hot,” and I guarantee you that 75% of a high rating is based on having long, straight hair. I love the idea of turning around and rating them. Also, thanks for reminding me to teach Jackson never to do that.

  9. OH DUDE. As the mother of a 16-year-old son (who, if he ever pulled that crap, would be in a world of hurt)(by which I mean a world of MY SEETHING DISAPPOINTMENT), let me throw a hearty “amen!” into the chorus of You Really Don’t Want To Look Like The Kind Of Woman A Boy That Age Thinks Is A 10. Because you really, really don’t.

    AND when MC and Harper are that age you will have no problem verbally back-handing those asshats. There is a weighty authority that comes with being the parent of teenagers/young adults and I personally am enjoying it immensely.

  10. And hey, HEY! Maybe we need to consider what their criteria were for those ratings. I mean, let’s say you were a “One/If even” on the “Most likely to bump into a tree, fall down and make a complete fool of yourself in public” scale.


  11. I love both dresses and wish they were longer so I could get one. I am dying for a cute summer frock, but knee length on the model is too short on me.

    Also, I would have berated those boys in my head, but not said anything. Teenage boys, especially in packs, turn me back into my junior high self. So do cute blond college coeds. But I would have been irate, and would have most certainly scored something negative.

    Also, my boys will be in a world of no you cannot drive until you knock that shit off if they try anything like that.

  12. Sorry, I meant “their” not “there.” My English teaching husband would have a fit!

  13. I like the Dressing Room Dress, it seems more practical then the other and can be dressed up or down. (tis how I think).

    Regarding the boys. It would have bothered me – their scale and my low score. (course, I am 2 1/2 months shy of 48 – which is dangerously close to 50 – which is bringing on a whole new level of insecurity) It would have sent me to Victoria Secrets for new sexy undergarments. Because, I think women carry themselves different when wearing sexy undergarments. Then I would have walked back by them carrying said Big Pink Victoria Secret Bag with a knowing smile.

    Greg is out of town too, for two weeks, which will introvert me like you can’t imagine. Maybe I should do some pretend shopping?

  14. I LOVE the dressing room dress, I’m “eh” on the other, but probably because I HATE the model who is wearing blue shoes. I’m one to talk… I’m wearing a stained t-shirt and shorts after mowing the lawn. As for the boys, they will be horribly disappointed later in life and probably throw themselves off bridges.

  15. I think the Dressing Room dress is Ethel and the Hepcat dress is Lucy. Now, I happen to like the way both Lucy and Ethel dress (especially this one: the neckline always blows my mind a little). I can picture the Hepcat dress with ballet flats and the Dressing Room dress with long sleeves under in the winter. All to say, I can’t decide and you should get both because you have the slim figure to pull either off (buy one for me and wear it until I get skinny – ha!).

    Also, I’m too infuriated to even comment about those stupid boys.

  16. Oddly enough, because this is how the internet works, read your post immediately after reading this post about sexual harassment on the internet

    Now, teen boys rating women in the mall is not the same as aggressive acts of cyber-vandalism and threats. However, the source of both acts is the same: sexism.

    I understand your reaction, but I hope it’s different next time. (I’m not throwing rocks, I have spent thousands of dollars on my hair, makeup, and clothes to look perfect and it’s often hard for me to figure out whom I do it for.)

  17. aaaaaaaaaaaaaand because I’m a girl and we are clearly on the same wavelength, I just bought this Modcloth dress yesterday. I’m hoping that this fits well enough to be my go-to summer sun dress.

  18. All the dresses were honestly lovely.

    Those boys were not lovely. They were insecure and bitter because they were most likely rejected and to make themselves feel better in a twisted way were making fun of women. Terrible.

  19. I don’t mean to be crude*, but most teenaged boys would rate a tube sock as a solid ‘7’ based on how ‘satisfying’ it is, so please PLEASE think no more of their jackassery

    Also, next time Jeff is in NC, let me know and I’ll take him out for some BBQ and vehicular manslaughter. It’s how we roll down ronder!

    * That’s a damned lie.

  20. teehee–had you been wearing that “lovely dress” you wore to the school the other day (read: wardrobe malfunction) you would have been rating high on their list…that would have been disheartening to hear nonetheless. So long as Jeff thinks you’re a ten, what does it matter what those teenage cretins think? RIght now, I am a beached whale whose every movement is filled with aches, and I am constantly asked “wow, are you having twins? Are you due tomorrow?” etc, and I’m not due until late September. You would look adorable in each and every one of those dresses–I like the first with capris–and the red one is stunning–very Audrey Hepburn!

    Happy Monday! (and “you can call me ‘Sir'” had me laughing out loud!)

  21. I don’t care which dress you get, as long as you promise to wear it unbuttoned to the waist. ;-)

  22. Just think how bewildered they will be if they one day convince a couple of girls who “rate” to go out with them, and they are slammed in the face and groin repeatedly with the CRAZY that superficially “hot” girls are known to unleash with unexpected consistency.

    Good luck with that, jerks.

    I like to think they have mothers who would be mortified by that behavior. I know what I would do to my boys if I ever found out they were behaving this way, but I cannot post it here lest there be accusations of premeditation.

    P.S. You would look lovely in any of those dresses!

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