Koalas will not do.

It has been exactly one week since I’ve had coffee in the morning. Part of me wants to say something about getting control of my life and wanting to be the boss of caffeine rather than allowing it to be MY boss. Part of me wants to sing empowering folk songs about deciding to do something and then just DOING it instead of dancing around and whining and making lame/tired jokes about how I NEED coffee. (Those ridiculous cartoons of women sitting around in robes with screwed up hair and tired swollen eyes mumbling something about coffee IVs and calling themselves Mommy even though there are no kids in the room? I can’t even think about it without wanting to punch the wall.)

The truth is, I bought a gigantic container of coffee creamer eight days ago, and it’s horrible. I feel guilty about throwing it out, yet I refuse to use it. (I know what you’re thinking. “Toss it out and go buy your normal brand of coffee creamer!” Nope. Tossing it out right now feels so wasteful. Instead, I’m going to wait until it expires on September 4th. (Expiration dates give me that feeling of perceived permission to pour things down the drain.) Please don’t try to heal me. (I’m still saving all of my positive pregnancy tests (dated with Sharpies!) as well as my kids’ belly button stumps.) I am beautiful in every single way. Words can’t bring me down.)

Anyway, I no longer drink black coffee (it’s ACID to my MUCOSA!!!), so I feel like I have no options. It’s just that easy.

(My plan for going full-on vegan is to fill my refrigerator with rancid butter, moldy cheese, and blood-soaked eggs. That should do it.)

Jeff is out of town again. (I wish you could hear the tone I’m assigning to the word Again.) The girls and I will be going on a drive-thru doughnut run sometime today. We will then split up so they can play/read/practice the piano while I stomp out some freelance. Later this afternoon, we’ll be making vegan cherry almond cookies. (Please know that although it’s not credited, the recipe is from Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar┬áby Moskowitz/Romero.)

A few moments ago, Meredith proved that she is my biological child.

Meredith: There’s only one thing in life that I want to do today.

Me: Go on.

Meredith: I want to stock up on tiny containers of hand sanitizer, and I need at least two of them to have panda bears on the label.

(We’ll be heading out within the hour to do just that.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

15 thoughts on “Koalas will not do.”

  1. Wait, have you tried the So Delicious coconut milk coffee cream? Because then you could have your (possibly decaf? or half-caf? or whatever?) coffee and be vegan, too! (But not until after September 4th, obviously. Let’s not get crazy.) (Also, please disregard if it turns out you tried the So Delicious stuff and hated it, because life is too short to drink non-dairy dairy products you hate, yo.)(Also, ACTUAL coconut milk from a can is delicious in coffee, I’m just saying.)

  2. The scabby belly button stumps I did not keep. But I do have all of the dated (with sharpie!) positive pregnancy tests. And I always took many, so strong was my disbelief.

    My older son, Milo, told me recently that even though we aren’t connected like we were when he was in my tummy, we’re still connected at our hearts.

    WHAT dress did you get???

  3. You should try to freecycle the creamer. Not sure if they have rules about partially used food products. That just SOUNDS bad, doesn’t it?

  4. Moskowitz/Romero (I don’t know them well enough to call them Isa and Terry, although I would like to) are my heroes. Buy all their books, if you haven’t already.

  5. I am gingerly wading into the Romero, soon to be classic, “Viva Vegan”. So far, thumbs definitely up.

    And really whatever works with the quitting caffeine. I stopped caffeine in college (spirulina is a godsend [one word or two?] and can give you loads of energy and all essential amino acids, so try it instead of coffee. Got me through senior year) but I still miss it. Sometimes I just smell it, loitering near a coffee place, and if I really feel crazy I will have half a cup of decaf, but only on vacation. Just a glimpse into my wild and crazy life. So good luck on leaving caffeine behind and hopefully it will diminish the number of migraines you get.

  6. i have my positive pregnancy tests. too! sharpie-dated! doesn’t everyone?
    when i gave up coffee three (four?) years ago, i had awful withdrawal symptoms. i felt sick for 48 hours. was on the sofa in a fetal position with nausea, migraines, the works.
    i still miss it sometimes, though!!! mmmh coffee.
    (i was taught that black coffee is less acidic than coffee with milk, cream, creamers etc. it’s counter0intuitive. but i certainly don’t want to confuse you.)

  7. Today is week one of Greg being out of town, still have one week to go! Could you take the creamer back and get your money back (most things have a money back guarantee and most groceries are more than happy to take items back.) Then you would be moving forward! I am food OCD so I cannot relate to your issue…so I certainly wouldn’t try healing you….lol If it looks, smells or even seems off or even if it is just because it has sat in the fridge to long, I will toss it.

    I still have pregnancy tests, belly button stubs, all the things they used in the hospital, even the thermometers that they used on them. Actually, up until my daughter was four, I had every item she ever had – up in the attic.

    So, are you giving up coffee for good or just until September?

  8. Whenever I make a food shopping error like that, I just bring it in to work and leave it in the work kitchen. N people x each one trying it once = used up, guilt-free. Bring your creamer in to your church and leave it there! Someone else may actually like it, too.

  9. First off, no we don’t ALL have our pregnancy tests because some of us are so old that they didn’t have the kind you nice ladies use nowadays. We had to go to a doctor and he (yes, in those days it was always a “he”) took blood and urine and said he’d call you with the results in a week or so. The way we told friends we were pregnant was to say, “The rabbit died.” I don’t know if they actually had to kill rabbits to do the tests, but that was the common belief. Ask your mothers (and for some of you, your grandmothers) about it. It would have been such a joy to pee on a stick and get the results right there, and I’m glad you can do that now. And I’m glad for all the rabbits who don’t have to die for it.

    So much for the old lady fuddy-duddy stuff. Do what Jenertia said and take the offending creamer to your church or other place where lots of people can use it. Someone is bound to like it. I still drink my coffee black and always will, but if you like yours with creamer then for Heaven’s sake get some that you like. I only have one mild headache about every other year, so I’m no expert on those, but my husband and daughter have migraines and when they get them, coffee is the one thing that helps them go away.

    And once again you’ve proven that Meredith is one of the coolest young people in the world. I love the idea of Pandas on hand sanitizer.

  10. How can you eat cookies without coffee? Oh wait. Maybe that’s milk. Any way, you’ve done a remarkable job raising those children.

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