I’ve got friends in low places.

I know I’ve gone on about this before.

But seriously. I had to share this with you.


I wasn’t sure how to respond this morning when my feminine protection suggested I go play.

“I’ve got your back,” said the tampon, “Really. Go play.”

“Well, okay then!” I replied as I pumped my fist into the air, which I often do during That Time of The Month. (I normally follow that exuberant fist pump with a melodramatic cry on the bathroom floor, a maniacal laugh as I shove too many Doritos into my mouth, and a silent scream as my migraine hits. I enjoy being a girl!)

So, yeah. I did what the tampon told me! After taking the kids to catch their ride to College for Kids, I played fourteen rounds of tennis (rounds? sets? I really have no idea!), I mastered The Cartwheel in my front yard, I marched around a football field with a tuba, and I cross-country skied across some country!

Tampon totally had my back. I returned to the house to find that all of my laundry was finished and put away, the floors were sparkling, the dog had been trained, and my shower problem had been solved! The only thing Tampon didn’t do was pick my kids up and bring them back home to me, and that’s the only reason why I decided to remove and dispose of it.

And thank God I did!

Well, okay then!

It might sound silly, but if you substitute “Grandma” for “tampon” the way I just did, it becomes a bit easier to heed the advice! So, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind. I’m grabbing my keys and hitting the road. You see, somewhere out there is a carnival with my name written all over it, and I’m going to have fun. I *do* trust you, Tampon! I do! (Why am I suddenly crying? Do you have any Funyons I can borrow?!)

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12 thoughts on “I’ve got friends in low places.”

  1. As a thimble person (YOU called me that) I have no idea what you are talking about. I think I am really missing out on this. But where the hell would I get a tuba?

  2. I love, love, LOVE the sport tampons with the inspirational stuff on them. They’re not really the greatest tampons; but it always cracks me up to see what the wrapper says. I really think all tampons should have sayings on them – but not necessarily sports inspirational. More like, “Put the knife down, it’s not worth the jail time.”

  3. So this week, I started back to work as my maternity leave was over AND I got my period for the first time since I got pregnant. (If I weren’t so baby-addled, I could tell you when my last period happened to the DAY.) And frankly, I just think that going back to work and leaving your baby and his big brother at daycare + period = universe taking a giant crap on me. So I would like my tampon to say, “It’s ok to give the universe a giant middle finger, Lady.”

  4. I think feminine hygiene products should have well wishes on them like “Hope you don’t have cramps” or “May this month be migraine free”. That would be nice.

  5. Wow, that is a mighty fine tampon there. I’m mid-move and mid-horrible-never-ending project at work, and now I’m a little sorry that I’m not having my period right now because that would be awesome. My house would be clean, the boxes unpacked, the project done, and I’m sure I’d be eating all my veggies and running a marathon.

    As for the black mold, I bought some Tilex that is super caustic and eats all the mold up amazingly. But, you have to hold your breath, turn on the bathroom fan, spray, and leave it for a bit. When you come back all gone! I also love the Mr. Clean sponge thing especially for showers. Super!

  6. Love it! Nothing is more likely to make my eyes roll so forcefully that I start to convulse than finding unsolicited pep talks on my tampons.

  7. I want them to have fortunes, like the cookies do.

    “you will eat a frozen cheesecake”
    “you have ankles like teakwood”
    “you will cry on the cat for no good reason”
    “canned tamales sound good”

  8. I’m sorry. I don’t get it.

    Tampons like fortune cookies? I think the world is going wrong starting from the little things. Or maybe if we had messages on our tampons there wouldn’t be rioting in London…

    gotta think about that one.

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