I will never respond to Shawty.

I once found myself at the student health services building while attending the University of Missouri. I don’t remember why I was there and I don’t remember why they would have measured me, but I DO remember that I rang in at 5’7″. I remember feeling very proud about my height, because I had recently read an article (probably in Sassy magazine) that said something like “The minimum height for a model is 5’7″.” Don’t get me wrong. I never thought that I was fit to be a model. BUT, I liked thinking that if the world turned upside down and “socially awkward pear-shaped girls who stare at the floor and fall down a lot” became The Thing, my height would work in my favor.

This Proves How Strange I Am: After measuring in at 5’7″, if anyone ever asked my height (at doctor’s offices or pizza joints or on the streets, et cetera), I would answer with 5’6″. It felt like I was bragging if I admitted to being the minimum height for a model. “I liked The Communards before they were popular. I just forfeited a piano scholarship because 7:40 is entirely too early for me to drag myself to a composition class. I’m the minimum height for modeling.”

Last week I had to have a bunch of pre-op blood drawn. Before they stuck me, they measured me.

Nurse: 5 feet, 5 1/4 inches.

Me: No. 5 feet, 6 inches. (But really 5 feet, 7 inches. Because I’m the minimum height for modeling.)

Nurse: No, it’s 5 feet, 5 1/4 inches.

Me: Write down what you want, but I won’t accept that as truth.

The normal size of a uterus is said to be 8cm x 6cm x 4cm. This means I’m going to be even shorter next week.

At this rate, I’ll probably be 4 feet tall in about 3 years. And that’s why I need to start wearing heels. And that’s why I just added these shoes to my list of wishes.

Supposedly, Michael J. Fox is 5’5″.

Supposedly, Shakira is 4’11”.

Everything is going to be alright.

EDITED TO ADD: Except everything is NOT going to be alright. Because I cannot figure out how to get my single quotation marks to go proper for measurement purposes. And this will keep me awake tonight. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

21 thoughts on “I will never respond to Shawty.”

  1. Welcome to aging, my friend. I topped out at 5’8″ my freshman year of college, and was 5’6 1/2″ 11 years ago when I had my gastric bypass. I know I have osteoporosis in my lumbar spine, and osteopenia everywhere else, but I measured out at 5’5″ when I had my bone scan done a couple months ago. *sigh*

  2. From the Interwebz, which we all know never lies and was invented by Al Gorez:

    “When you have a numeric keypad:
    For inches (“) press and hold the Alt type, type 034, release the Alt key.
    For feet (‘) press and hold the Alt type, type 039, release the Alt key”

  3. You should convince America to go metric. That way you never have to worry about ‘ & ” again. Or even quotes and inverted commas. It’s all good! And good luck with the plumbing!!

  4. My Dad was 5’5″ but is shrinking as he ages. And I had a pair of clogs like that when I was 7, they were terribly cool in the mid-1970s. Great to see you bringing them back into fashion.

  5. I hear you. I’ve lost 1.75 inches and I was short to start with.

    I also had a pair of shoes like that in the 70s. I love them! All things old are new again ( except me, apparently).

  6. I grew an inch from yoga creating space in my spine. Its all the fault of student health. I somehow knew you and I were the same height.

  7. Wait can I edit my comment? The sentences ate out of order and you write so beautifully; I’m embarrassed!

  8. I feel confident when I tell you that uterus-punting will not affect your skelecature/height. But you might lose a little weight, Kate Moss (5’6.9″).

  9. I used to measure in at 5’7 and 1/2″. I was very proud of that 1/2. I don’t think I measure that height any more. Wah wah.

    You are going to have the most relaxing, peaceful and quick recovery uterus removal. I declare it so!

  10. I keep telling people I’m 5′ 9″ and I swear I used to be, but I think I am shrinking too. We can be short together. I think it is an excellent opportunity to wear really high heels and I will hope beyond hopes to one day be called “cute” or maybe even “adorable”.

    ps – Suebob’s comment made me actually laugh out loud. Pfft. Shakira and her lying hips.

  11. Me too. (the shrinking part, not so much the uterus thing) An inch per pregnancy. And my feet grew one size per pregnancy. Aieee, we’re melting!

  12. I too used the be the minimum height for modeling. Then when I got pregnant with my first, my OB told me I was only 5’6″ – No big deal except I got bumped from normal into the overweight BMI by losing that inch!!! AND when a OB mentions that your BMI is in the overweight category, they take away 10 pregnancy lbs you are allowed to gain!!!! Not fair…

  13. LOL. Again good luck with everything. And I always felt as tiny as Michael J. Fox. Probably because I am.

  14. When I was 8 years old, my mother (who was just under five feet tall) said she really hoped I’d be a tall girl because “Short girls just never look pretty in clothes.” In my opinion, she should have thought of that when she chose a man who was barely 5’5″ for my father. Also, Shakira had not yet been born.

    So, when I topped out at almost 5’3″ I decided to always tell people I was 5’4″ and I kept up that charade for about 50 years. My daughter, bless her heart, was exactly my height when she reached maturity, and we have the “stand back-to-back” pictures to prove it.

    However, in last year’s family photo, which we take every single year in front of the spruce tree we planted when we moved into this home, there was something wrong. She is clearly a few INCHES taller than I am now. And, no, a “girl” in her 40s hasn’t grown recently.

    So, don’t come crying to me that you’re coming in at under 5’6″. Boo hoo.

    I, too, had a pair of those shoes in the ’70s. You’ll look fabulous in them.

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