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Day of Whine and Poses

May 2nd, 2014 · 23 Comments · Daily

I’ve spent the better part of this week (also the worse part of this week) tying up loose ends before I take the next 14 days to discover what life is like without most of my girl parts. (Side note: I accidentally typed “my girl party” and that struck me as very funny, mainly because I didn’t sleep very well last night.)

Anyway, this morning I delivered some papers to school and then I returned every single library book that will be due in the next two weeks (and that equals ALL OF THEM) and then I decided to treat myself to a soy caramel latte which is my second favorite drink at Starbucks (I didn’t feel that I deserved my first favorite drink.) before heading over to the license bureau to renew my driver’s license. The Starbucks lot was completely full, so I did the thing where I park in the bank parking lot next door and walk over. (I still wear a Fitbit, but I definitely do NOT want to talk about it.)

Not only was the Starbucks LOT completely full, but the Starbucks STORE (store? location? box?) was completely full. I ended up in line behind a woman who was typing an e-mail on her iPad AND talking on her phone (with one of those no-hands doohickies) all at the same time (while standing up!). There were eight people in line ahead of us, and six of them were doing something or other with a screen. (One was doing something with a baby. One was wearing a yoga costume.) When the woman behind the cash register was ready for iPad/Phone lady to order, this is what happened.

Cash Register Lady: I can take who’s next.

iPad/Phone Lady: Blah, blah, blah, showings at noon and two.

Cash Register Lady: Next in line please!

iPad/Phone Lady: I don’t even want to talk about that. We’ll discuss that on Tuesday.

Cash Register Lady: Next!

I decided to walk around the iPad/Phone Lady to order my drink, because sometimes my actions speak louder than my words. Then this is what happened.

iPad/Phone Lady: Wait. I’m next!

(I stepped back.)

Cash Register Lady: What can I get for you today?

iPad/Phone Lady: Hold on just a second.

She then dismissed the person on the telephone, closed down her iPad, and stared at the menu for 73 minutes before ordering her beverage. (73 minutes was probably more like 7.3 seconds, but by this point I WAS COMPLETELY DONE WITH HER SHENANIGANS.) ((Her drink was VERY specialized, so deep down I knew that she was completely prepared to order (two AND A HALF Splendas?! do you have any idea that I’m stink-eyeing you in my head right now?) and was just wasting those 7.3 seconds to get back at me for taking one step forward and two steps back.))

Her name was Andrea. She had a lot of cat hair on her pants. (So do I.) Judging by her conversation and her e-mail (that I read over her shoulder because I didn’t have much else going on), she has a very busy day ahead of her. And I found myself thinking things like, “Why in the hell can’t people just drop their screens for ten minutes so that the line can keep moving?” And then I remembered that I’m parked in the bank parking lot, so who am I to try to push my rules on other people? I have no business to handle at the bank! I grabbed my drink, scored about 200 steps on the walk back to my car, and headed toward the license place.

I know it’s a thing to complain about the license office because most license offices provide a lot of things about which to complain. When I entered the building, the skies opened up and I was able to go right up to the “put your forehead against the paper” machine for my vision test. Suddenly, it was time to take my photo and I’m not sure why I had forgotten that part, but I had, so I started stressing out about the amount of lip gloss that had transferred from my face to my soy caramel latte cup but I didn’t want to take the time to actually find the lip gloss, so I sat down and waited for the flash as instructed, and here is the photo that I’ll be walking around with until 2020.


I’ve seen worse, although I have no idea why the lack of lip gloss caused my right eye to nearly fall out of my skull. (Also, I’m not really sure there’s a bear seal on a Missouri license, but in my mind, there’s a bear seal on a Missouri license.) ((Also, that high school weight thing? If people try to find me based on the weight listed on my driver’s license, I will stay hidden forever.))

Finally, I’ve considered live-blogging my surgery next week, but I think we all have more important things to do than tune in for:
11:30 First incision made. Things are about to get spooky all up in my organs.
12:45 This is not my house.
15:27 I have now told the nurse that I’m a vegetarian 492 times. I have also told her to not bring me a turkey sandwich no matter how much I beg for it. I’m like a gremlin, but nothing like a gremlin.

I’ll see you mid-May unless you see me first.


23 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Neil // May 2, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Since you will be out for most of the surgery, you probably won’t be able to live blog. But the surgeon will be there. Have you asked him/her to guest blog for that day, telling the details of what is going on so we can read about them while standing in line with our iPads at Starbucks?

  • 2 Cindy // May 2, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Five bucks says they still bring you a chicken sandwich. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that I’m a vegetarian and then had some one reply “Oh, we’ll have chicken then!”. Chicken is not a vegetable. Can’t wait for your return in mid-May!

  • 3 Alexandra // May 2, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Good-bye girl parts. Hello girl party! Best wishes for a simple, speedy recovery!

  • 4 Sheila // May 2, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Best wishes for successful surgery, speedy recovery and lots of rest while you recover. I had my girl parts removed in 2008 and it was THE. BEST. THING. EVER!!
    I will eagerly await your return…I would like at least one interesting hospital story please.

  • 5 elsiroomom // May 2, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Neil Kramer made me laugh out loud. Cindy made me laugh again. Alexandra made me laugh too. You have got some VERY witty commenters. Best wishes for a relaxed recovery. Looking forward to better health for you and a quick return to the blog!

  • 6 Alysha in Seattle // May 2, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Girl party – I’m going to call it that from now on. Here’s to a speedy recovery and a speedy back to blogging – with many a hospital tale to tell, I’m sure!

  • 7 Kim L // May 2, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    I am picturing the Starbucks on Olive because that would be a typical ‘bucks consumer at that particular location. Damn Andreas.

  • 8 Kim L // May 2, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    And you know I’m pulling for you next week and continue to wish all good things, including vegetarian hospital food & the Cadillac of pain control.

  • 9 Kathy S. // May 2, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    Dude! Good luck with the surgery! (And that right there is reason #487 why I’m glad to have kicked my Starbucks habit.)(Except when traveling. My home coffee setup is too cumbersome to pack.)(Also, by “reason” I meant that crazy electronic device lady, not your surgery. I hope that was obvious.)

  • 10 Alyce // May 3, 2014 at 12:24 am

    Why is no one asking the question? THE! question…
    What is your favorite drink at Starbucks?
    And I’m curious as to why you think you didn’t deserve it (what I order often hinging on my own wacky deserve-I-meter).

    And please do be safe and healthy. Here’s hoping you have enough knitting supplies to keep you in stitches (doubly terrible surgery and knitting pun).

    p.s. You did deserve your #1 favorite drink. Treat yo self!

  • 11 Grammy // May 3, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    You’re not losing most of your girl parts — just the ones you’re finished with. They’ve served their purpose well (just look at those daughters!) and now it’s time to retire them like an old dress that just doesn’t do for you what it used to.

    Since you won’t be in any condition to live-blog, and the doc will (hopefully) be too preoccupied to do so, perhaps you could talk the doctor into just wearing a forehead camera and setting up a streaming video so the world can sit back and watch in real time. Unless it would require us to get up too early (I live in California).

    Have a restful recovery. Knit. Allow your family to pamper you, even when you feel like you don’t need it. Enjoy your favorite Starbucks beverage because, yes, you DO deserve it.

    And contemplate what we can do on a global scale about those twits who are so enamored of themselves that they insist on holding up lines of people waiting for coffee or anything else. If you come up with something harsh enough, I’m in.

  • 12 Ami // May 3, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    I’m sending you all good vibes, prayers, and rainbow farting unicorns for next two weeks. I especially hope you have awesome nurses, b/c they make alllllll the difference. Give yourself permission to freak out a little bit — and then practice some yoga breathing, you don’t even have to wear a costume for it. (It’s not really yoga breathing. It’s just deep breathing with one hand on your belly and one on your chest…inhale thru your nose so deeply that first one and then the other hand rises; exhale through your mouth so first one and then the other falls.) If I lived near you, I’d bring you flowers.

  • 13 The Cartoonist // May 3, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Good luck with the lady parts melon ball removal procedure!!!

  • 14 Pam // May 3, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    Good grief! You have your weight PRINTED ON YOUR DRIVING LICENCE?!?!? Surely that’s a freedom too far?
    I have the same impulse to tie up all loose ends before I go on a trip. Last time I found myself dusting the bathroom ceiling.
    Good luck with the surgery. Afterwards, you’ll weigh LESS than you did at high school.

  • 15 DLG in Mich // May 3, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    Wishing you a smooth procedure and speedy recovery. We will anxiously await your return!

  • 16 RzDrms // May 4, 2014 at 9:50 am

    You are me.

    Except for the belly button innards removal surgery thingie. But the “I parked at the bank who am I to be a Judgy McJudgerson?!” thought after being mad at (and reading the e-mail of LOL SO ME!) the iPad/iPhone lady? So so me. And the cat hair.

    I’ll be praying for and thinking of you! Best of luck! I’ll also pray for the doctors, that they didn’t have to wait too long in their Starbucks lines.

  • 17 Ani // May 5, 2014 at 9:16 am

    I wish you the very best of luck on your surgery and recovery. And hope this makes you feel well.

    And I have no patience for lines or rudeness.

  • 18 Carroll // May 5, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Not sure which day’s “the day”, but will be streaming “successful surgery” thoughts your way for the duration.

  • 19 Cori // May 6, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Sending you best wishes for a speedy recovery!

  • 20 Lori // May 6, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    You are the funniest person I don’t know, and I wish you all the best with the removal of your lady parts. Please don’t make us wait too long to hear from you again. Maybe M&H can guest blog in your absence? :-)

  • 21 Leahpeah // May 7, 2014 at 10:38 am

    I’m with Alyce – WHAT is your FAVORITE DRINK and how have we gone this many days without finding out? I’ve seen photo proof so I know you made it through things ok, but still, good luck with everything. You’re one of my favorite people, with our without your girl party. (whatWHAT)

  • 22 Virginia L // May 7, 2014 at 11:48 am

    I will keep you in my prayers and I will miss your blog post while you are recuperating! I have been reading you for a while and I really enjoy you!

  • 23 Kizz // May 7, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    You’re having surgery, you deserve your favorite drink.

    Be good to yourself!