John Slattery has a cute little nose. And so does Jeff.

Harper approached me last night with a very serious look on her face.

Harper: Mom, if Justin Bieber marries Selena Gomez, will I still have dreams about him?

Me: Well, first of all, I doubt that Bieber and Selena Gomez get married. BUT, to answer your question, yes! You can still have dreams about him. I mean, I guess you can still dream about him.

Harper: It’s just that *I* want to marry him.

Me: I  know. BUT, you’re five. You have a lot of living to do before it’s time to get married.

Harper: Actually, I can get married when I’m eighteen, but I might want to be a rock star first.

Me: Yes. I would love for you to be a rock star first. OR, maybe you can go to college!

Harper: It’s just that Bieber has such a cute little nose.

Oh, Harper. I get it. When I was a kid, Andy Gibb had a cute little nose. And then Les McKeown had a cute little nose. And how many photos of myself did I tape over Nancy McKeon’s face just so I could get next to Michael J. Fox’s cute little nose?

This one’s for you, Harper. Admittedly, it’s Creepiness Deluxe. BUT, I think you’ll like it. Suddenly, your big face is covering Selena’s—right next to Bieber’s cute little nose.

Twelve years down the road, if Bieber doesn't age. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Really. It’s December.

Minnie and Minnie

I have no idea who these women are. What I do know is this: They enjoyed the heck out of the Main Street Electrical Parade, and in my mind, after the last float rolled, they took off their ears and taxied out for Phase Two—an hour spent eating sashimi and bad-mouthing Barry Manilow. Good for them. Good for everyone.

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, you know that I’m once again suffering from a stupid STUPID headache. Anyway, I saw my migraine doctor yesterday, and although I’m still, well, suffering (I don’t have my thesaurus handy, and my adjectives relating to pain lack variety!), I feel like we’ll someday get this all under control. This is more for me than for you: We have discontinued my Maxalt, we’re giving Relpax a whirl, we’re doubling the diclofenac in my cocktail pill, and we’re doubling my anti-seizure medication (Zonisamide). The only reason I’m putting this out there is this: If someone named Judy in Baltimore is going through what I’m going through, and this info could help her, well, you’re welcome, Judy. Similarly, if someone named Padma in Paducah HAS gone through something similar and wants to shout out some encouraging words, here’s your platform, Padma! Anyway. Once again, today I’m feeling really stoned. BUT, this will pass. And if it doesn’t? I own Freedom Rock. (Yes. I do.)

As I was typing that paragraph, Pillsbury sent a birthday e-mail to me. Three Sweet Surprises in celebration of your birthday month! (I was born in May.) Oh, Pillsbury. I’ll let it slide this time. French Silk Pie!

This morning I volunteered in Harper’s classroom. Hanging on the wall outside the classroom were construction paper turkeys made by the kindergarten kids. Each turkey had four tail feathers, and each feather listed something for which the child was thankful. Harper’s four feathers listed Family, God, Jesus, and Literacy.

I haven’t yet found the advent calendar I like to share every year in December. Until I do, I’ll share The Coffee Lady with you.

Edited to Add: Wait. I found it. And I love it as much now as I did five years ago.

LESS THAN A WEEK LEFT ON THIS ONE! Come watch me grow larger and leave a comment for a chance to win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

I just saved Harper from spending her elementary career in prison.

The girls are getting super SUPER excited about the Disney World trip next week. Although I’ve talked to them about the dangers of tooting horns and I constantly perform my Bragging is Ugly song (sung to the tune of The Reflex by Duran Duran!), I have a funny feeling they’ve been spending a lot of time talking about the trip at school.

Harper: My teacher said she wants us to pack her in my suitcase so she can go to Disney World!

Meredith: Mrs. O said that she wants to go, too!

Me: It would be pretty awesome if we could take the teachers, wouldn’t it? Hrm. I don’t think our suitcases are big enough!

Meredith: We would need a suitcase the same size as the hall closet. And the teachers would have to stay silent until we got to the hotel.

Me: What?

Harper: I have an idea. Mombo told me that we can put anything that doesn’t fit in our suitcases into the trunk of her car. We can surprise Miss B by picking her up at her house, putting her in the trunk of Mombo’s car, and driving her to Disney World!

Me: Okay. I’m not completely up on crime classification, but I’m pretty sure kidnapping your teacher and transporting her to Florida in the trunk of a car would be a federal offense—even if we would be taking her to The Happiest Place on Earth. We would have to skip Disney World and go to jail instead!

Harper: Maybe we’ll just buy her a postcard.

Me: I think that’s a much wiser choice.
Come watch me grow larger and leave a comment for a chance to win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Dorothy Parker led a horticulture…

When Meredith takes classes at the middle school, more often than not she comes home with a new joke. This is what happened in the car on the way home from school last Thursday.




Immediately, the gears in Harper’s brain began to smoke. She would not be outdone.




Me: Okay. No.

Harper: Wasn’t that funny?

Me: Actually, I thought it was very funny. But for the wrong reasons. We can’t use Whore. Can you come up with a different ending?

Harper: TORSE!!!!

Me: Yes! Torse!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Meredith: What’s a whore?