Category: Daily

Jeff has a work phone. And it’s not just a work phone, it’s a jazzed up crazy iPhone with a bunch of doodads and geegaws.

One of his recent doodad/geegaw acquisitions is titled Price Check by Amazon. With this particular app, you can say a product name into the phone, and it will do an Amazon price check for you. He was showing it to me this afternoon, and it was really pretty amazing. Until it wasn’t.

Jeff: Watch this. RITZ CRACKERS.

Phone Display: Ritz Crackers. Pack of twelve 4 oz. convenience pack? $16.98.

Me: AUGH! That’s nuts! Try one of my knitting books!

Jeff: Which one?

Me: This one!

Jeff: KNITTED LACE OF ESTONIA!

Phone Display: I have no results for Naked Ladies with Dystonia.

Me: Wow. That was a close one. Here. Try this cookbook.

Jeff: MAKE IT FAST, COOK IT SLOW!

Phone Display: I have no results for Naked Brats Cook it Slow.

Me: You’re going to be fired on Monday.

The Pudding Family would like to wish you a Happy New Year!

Naked a Good One! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

As I sit at the computer this morning (making good on my promise to tout my final Laughing Cow post), the girls are in the front room eating Honey Nut Cheerios and watching as Jeff plays Super Mario Bros. on the Wii. This is what Christmas is all about. (This is not really what Christmas is all about.)

Meredith: Are you SURE we don’t have school today?

Me: Yes.

Meredith: Positive?

Me: Positive.

Meredith: Should we drive by just in case?

Me: Yes. Go get dressed and check your backpack for notes and stale cupcakes. Do you have some lunch money?

Meredith: Really?

Me: No.

Christmas was good to the Puddings, and I have new long underwear (shirts, not bottoms—I’ll handle my own bottoms) to prove it. I also received the yarn to make this sweater, so let’s hope that happens sometime before 2015, because what a cute sweater! It will go great with my long underwear shirts! Also, Jeff surprised me with this, which means I can now do my goofy drawings for Fluid Pudding without actually having to: 1. grab a Sharpie and a piece of paper, 2. hope for no huge goofs, 3. fire up the scanner, 4. adjust the white levels, 5. are you getting the idea that it’s all so exhausting to be crappy-stick-figure-drawing me sometimes?! (It’s okay. I make my hot tea in the microwave to make up for it. Also, I rarely touch the Scrubbing Bubbles.)

I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves out there in the heat and the snow and the whatever you’re having. (Supposedly, we just had our first white Christmas in 17 years. Personally, I remember snow eight years ago, because I was pregnant with Meredith and I remember everyone feeling the need to grab my arm and help me up and down hills and sidewalks. Am I the only one who remembers the snowy Christmas of 2002? Help me out here.) There are only 24 hours or so left in the final Laughing Cow giveaway, and I would love it if one of you would walk away with the $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

To the lady at the store who bought the final avocado roll . . . to the young man at the gas station who wore his daughter’s pink scarf and his own mismatched gloves . . . to the guy I see running to the bus stop every day with an umbrella—even when there’s zero chance of precipitation . . . to the child at school who wore the same clothes two days in a row last week . . . to my five year old who sings “Wise up, Shepherd, and follow!” . . . to my other daughter who changes every occurrence of Mistletoe to Missing Toe and then declares the song to be about her father . . . to the employee at school who humiliated a girl in the hallway to the extent that she was almost in tears yesterday morning . . . to the older gentleman at the grocery store who told me that my hair is nice (it’s actually quite mean!) . . . to the families who are needing something . . . to the families who are taking something for granted . . . to the teachers who light fires of inspiration in our kids’ heads . . . to the people who are just trying to get warm . . . to the woman at the doctor’s office who quietly tapped her leg to the beat of Jingle Bells and then raised both legs into the air for the final horse whinny . . . to the kindergarten student who called me over yesterday morning and then performed the sign of the cross . . . to the man at Walgreens who was shopping for infant Tylenol . . . to the other man who was shopping for Junior Mints . . . to each and every one of you for whatever reason you come by here . . . Merry Christmas.

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Me: Jeff, I’ve been paying attention to the commercials this year, and it looks like you’re supposed to either purchase a car or diamonds for me for Christmas.

Jeff: I’ve got you covered.

Me: So, what did the television convince you to buy?

Jeff: I actually went off the grid and bought you a car made out of diamonds.

Me: Excellent. Imagine how stunning that’s going to be when I try to drive during the next ice storm!

Jeff: Best of all, it’s never going to scratch, so it was totally worth the completely debilitating amount of debt we’re now in.

Me: We might not be able to gas it up, but it sure will be pretty.

Jeff: You’re welcome.
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It’s the final Laughing Cow giveaway! Follow this link and talk about food and love and portion control, and you could win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

The temperature in our back yard is currently 4.6 degrees Fahrenheit. If I wasn’t trying so hard to avoid clichés today, I’d burp out something about Bone Chilling! Anyway, the milkman just pulled his truck up to the front of the house, and because I want him to know that He is Not Alone, I met him by the cooler on the sidewalk.

Me: Can I grab the empties for you?

Milkman: Nope. I’ve got it.

Me: It’s such a crappy day out here. I feel for you.

Milkman: It IS a crappy day, but think about it. For each of the crappy days we have, we’re given so many more beautiful days!

Me: Oh! Well. Um. Yeah. I wanted to be crabby, but now I can’t! You’re right!

And then I went back into my (really comfy and heated) home with my (organic free-range ridiculous happy cow) milk, and decided that I’m not going to complain about anything for the rest of the day. (At least that’s the plan.)

Yesterday morning in church, Jeff did the reading about King Herod and the wise men. Less than 24 hours later, a guy kneeled down on my sidewalk and filled my cooler with milk (literally AND figuratively!).

(It’s happening. And it smells like Christmas Spirit, Kurt Cobain!)
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It’s the final Laughing Cow giveaway! Follow this link and talk about food and love and portion control, and you could win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Because of our brief blip in believing, The Puddings are now the proud owners of an Elf on the Shelf. (I suppose OWNER is not the best choice of words. One does not really OWN a little helping man. At the same time, we haven’t really gone through the proper channels to say that we’ve adopted him. We have a visitor! A new roommate!) Our elf’s name is Charlie, and every night he flies north to tell Santa what’s going down in our house. If the girls are being good citizens, Santa hears about it from Charlie. If the girls are going ape, you better believe that Santa’s going to hear about it.

Last night the girls were having a particularly terrible, dreadful, not-so-good, slightly abhorrent night. Lots of doors were slammed. Lots of tears were shed. Lots of drama, and no stage or playbill—and that’s unacceptable.

Me: You know, Charlie is not going to want to come back from the North Pole tonight.

Meredith: What?!

Me: Would you want to come back? He’s been sitting in that candle holder all evening thinking, “I’m not quite sure what I did to deserve this cruddy situation, but I’m outta heyah.”

(All elves and babies speak with a Jersey accent.)

Just as I predicted, this morning the girls got up and ran around the house looking for Charlie, and he wasn’t there. Oddly enough, they got ready for school with zero fighting. I didn’t have to tell them twice to brush their teeth, get dressed, use the bathroom, etc. Perfect morning.

I just went into my bedroom and found this in the closet.

Apparently, Charlie did NOT stay at the North Pole last night. He returned to our house, slipped a Xanax out of my drawer, and took shelter on top of Jeff’s summer clothes. (I sort of wish I weighed less than two pounds so I could do the same thing.) Anyway, if all goes well this evening, Charlie’s activity will return to normal after tonight’s North Pole visit.

This morning I helped out in Meredith’s classroom. While I was collating book order forms, a student came over and sat next to me to work on a report. Another student sat next to the first student and said, “I don’t mean to say this in a mean or teasing way, but I think it’s really funny that you can’t hit a ball.” She then did a mocky little nyah-nyah laughing thing that really shouldn’t be done if one is over the age of three. The first student was hurt by her words.

What I WANTED to say: What the hell was that?! You don’t mean to say that in a mean or teasing way?! What way did you MEAN for that to sound? Respectful?! Responsible?!

What I DID say: That wasn’t a very nice thing to say. Ooh! You have only twenty minutes to finish your report before recess! You better focus on that if you want to go outside and play!

What I continued to say in my head: If you have an Elf on the Shelf, don’t be surprised if he’s filling out Change of Residency forms when you get home from school this afternoon…
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LESS THAN A WEEK LEFT ON THIS ONE! Come watch me grow larger and leave a comment for a chance to win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>