Daily Archives : Page 88 of 110 : Fluid Pudding

(I didn’t really clean out the refrigerator.)

Just so you know, this morning I took vinegar and a cotton ball to a pair of shoes that had grown moldy on the inside. I did NOT make a video of it. (You’re welcome.) I’m still a bit bewildered/disgusted by the whole idea of Mold in the Shoe, and when I tried to find information on the internet by searching for “Mold in my Dansko”, I discovered that I am the first person to ever be willing to discuss this problem publicly. Anyway, the vinegar sucked it up, and everything is back to normal.

Someone sent an e-mail asking about the brand of glasses I’m now wearing. Interestingly enough (to 3% of you, maybe), they’re Eco, also known as Earth Conscious Optics. The model number is 1030, and because they’re made of recyclable materials, I fully expect them to start decomposing on my face sometime in the next few months. Next year at this time, they’ll have reduced themselves to a monocle, and suddenly, top-hatted and with a wrinkled outer shell, I’ll invite you to come over and eat peanuts with me.

We’ve once again reached that time where the school asks parents to bring in food for the parent/teacher conferences. Last year I fell down and threw a pan of brownies across the parking lot. This year I took the easy way out: Two sausage/cheese plates and a box of Ritz crackers. (The local grocery store calls this particular combination “Nibbler Tray! Carb Diet Delight!” which is sort of embarrassing and sort of awesome depending on my mood.)

When I got home from delivering the food to the school, I quickly surveyed my refrigerator to see if we had anything else the teachers might be interested in. The newsletter was pretty specific: The teachers prefer items tailored to the Grab and Go style of eating. I quickly cleaned out the bottom shelf and labeled everything to appear as delightful as the Nibbler Tray.

“Meatballs from The Puddings’ Tuesday! Fifteen were made! Only six were eaten! Refresh your inner man!”

“These three sweet pickles are older than a certain kindergarten student named Harper! Gormandize!”

“This is part of a tater tot casserole, which actually seemed like a good idea at the time! Take sustenance!”

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By the way, make sure you go over here and play for laughs! You could win $100! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

You’ve always been my favorite, Plochman’s Mustard.

So, a few years back I kicked off NaBloPoMo with a video representing a day in the life of me.

This morning I decided to try it again. (Funny how two years have passed, yet I’m still (pretty much) the same, Bob Seger.)

(In case you’re not a fan of nonsensical silent movies (ah, but it’s not silent with Sondre Lerche playing in the background, is it?!), here is my commentary: I ate some bean soup, I got my first Scout’s Swag yarn club shipment in the mail, I decided to determine if a new smile is needed to go with my new glasses, I knitted part of an owl cozy, I ate one of my final Mihow Pepper Pops, I read a book written by a local favorite, and I enjoyed a mid-afternoon condiment. AND, the day is still young. World? Oyster.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Weekend Updates are tricky, Tina Fey.

In about ninety minutes, I’ll be attending my new book club, which means I now belong to two book clubs. (If you’re curious about my other book club (and I know you are because you’re still reading), please know that we’re meeting on Thursday to discuss The Corrections, and no. I still haven’t finished The Corrections. But don’t give up on me just yet.) Anyway, I’m standing strong in my belief that one can never have too many book clubs.

Today’s book club will be discussing Still Alice by Lisa Genova. I didn’t read it, either, but I DID listen to the audio book (unabridged!) and it was actually read by the author, which is often such a mistake, but not in this case, because: So Many Medical Terms, and this particular author is a neuroscientist. Spoiler Alert! (Not really.) Alice (who really is Still Alice, hence the title) tries to make white chocolate bread pudding in the book, and that’s EXACTLY what I’m trying to do right now, because I’m nothing if not relevant.

In about fifteen minutes I’ll be melting a bunch of Ghirardelli white chocolate into a pot of simmering whipping cream. That’s what I call sauce. (Incidentally, that’s what Epicurious calls sauce, too. I’m using their recipe.)

Enjoy your Sunday. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

M-I-C… See you real soon!

This afternoon my parents announced that they are taking our family and my sister’s family to Disney World for Thanksgiving.

The girls are smiling from ear to ear and studying their Birnbaum Guides to make sure they don’t miss anything during our stay.

I haven’t been to Disney World since I was thirteen years old.

This is going to be good. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Do you mean Wish like The Wicked Wish?!

For the past few weeks, I’ve been helping out in Meredith’s classroom. To make a long story short: While in first grade, the second graders learned 100 Word Wall Words. These are high frequency words that we all see every single day. My job is to test the kids on these words to make sure they know how to spell them correctly. The goal is to get through all 100 words before the parent/teacher conferences next week.

We breezed through the first set of words—words like A and The and Of. Now we’re starting to get into homonyms. Cue the hilarity.

Me: Number 15 is To. We went TO the store.

Student A: Like, TWO of us went to the store?

Me: No. Like, I went TO my room.

Student B: Like, I went to your room, TOO?

Me: Number 16 is Been. We have BEEN taking this test for seven hours. Been.

Student A: Like, I’ve BEEN to Florida, or like my COUSIN Ben?

Student B: Number 16 is Cousin?!

I’ll be sad when the spelling tests are over. Did I mention that one of the words was But? Yep. That one got a lot of laughs.

Interestingly enough, no one flinched at As. This is why I like seven year olds. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Speaking of pepper…

So, a few weeks back I was hanging out on Facebook when I noticed that Mihow was Etsy’s Featured Seller. Here’s the thing. I love Mihow, and I had been wanting to buy some of her schizophrenic lollipops for quite some time. When I noticed that she had added Pepper Pops to the store? Yeah. Sold!

My pepper pops arrived a few days back, and I am in love.

I’ve always been a fan of sweet and salty. I’m now a fan of sweet and peppery. I have only two left, and I’m trying my hardest to save them for a special occasion. With that said, Sunday marks the end of Daylight Savings Time. Special. (My next order will include Chai and The Elvis. I’m hooked.)

AND, because I love to talk about my friends, please know that my friend and neighbor has gone public with her new website. She focuses on cooking from scratch on a budget and she covers everything from the equipment you’ll need to pantry staples to recipes and more. So many good ideas! (And I know for a fact that she’s an excellent cook.)

(Oh. Wait. In case you’re on the edge, the Mint Chip on a Stick and Sweet Tea are also very good. And don’t even get me started on Asian Orange.)

I had a mammogram yesterday. I was going to take photos and do a big step-by-step thing for you, but then I got all flustered and told the technician a bunch of information that she didn’t need to know, and then I was terribly embarrassed, and my camera never made it out of the bag. So. THAT happened. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Get ready to make passes. Or not.

Last week I stopped at a stoplight (as I often do), and for whatever reason, I reached up and rubbed my right eye. Suddenly, with my hand over my right eye, I could no longer read the Imo’s sign across the street and I Freaked Out (as I often do).

This is what it has been like to live with me during the past week: Please picture yourself sitting in our rocking chair and watching television. I’m sitting on the couch. A commercial comes on, and text flashes across the screen. From the corner of your eye, you see my right hand fly up to my right eye.

Me: I CAN’T READ THAT TEXT! IF I DIDN’T KNOW THOSE WERE WORDS I WOULDN’T KNOW THOSE WERE WORDS!!! WHAT DOES IT SAY?!?!

(Jeff has been carving the “Love is patient…” verse from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians into his left forearm with a dirty pocket knife as I sit on the couch screaming like Helen Keller at the running text on CNN. Anderson Cooper!)

I went to see an eye doctor yesterday morning, and I’m now carrying around a prescription for glasses. (If you’re craving details, please know that I’m astigmatic in my left eye, and my right eye vision is actually worse than my left—but neither eye is very bad. The astigmatism is throwing my brain off, which sparks my interest in many ways, most of which center around that headache I’ve been droning on about for the past six weeks.)

So, anyway. When it’s time to choose a pair of glasses, the best thing to do is take a photo of yourself and play on the computer in your kitchen, right? Right!

Okay, look. I know it’s not a great photo of me. You’re never going to get one of those, so let’s suck it up and concentrate on the glasses. I don’t mind these at all.

I mind these a little more. They’re too thin, maybe? I need some pressed powder for my nose.

Harper likes the orange frames the best. Pearle Vision is running a Buy One, Get One Free deal on frames. Even with that deal, I don’t believe I’ll go for the orange. They make me look like I’m a Celine Dion fan who’s trying really hard to carry off Funky, but everyone knows she has a sweatshirt at home that features a St. Bernard wearing a Santa hat. Am I right? Also, when did I start looking like Jeff Goldblum?

I just fell asleep. This is what I would look like if I fell asleep while wearing glasses!

AND, now I’m scared. This is fun, isn’t it?

My glasses have to look smart during my late night mustard drinking sessions!

I just made out with Ben Folds!

So, anyway. The eye doctor has made me promise to not call him if I reach for the pepper shaker and miss it for the first few days after getting the glasses.

Me: Can I call you if I fall down the stairs?

Him: No. Just wear the glasses and be careful. Your eyes and brain will adjust to any abnormalities you may sense at the beginning. Call me in a year and we’ll revisit the prescription.

Me: I fall down a LOT. I NEVER TOOK DANCE LESSONS!

Him: That’s great. Call me in a year.
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My roommate once told me I was Very Wide. Follow this link to read the story, and you could win $150! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Dorothy Parker led a horticulture…

When Meredith takes classes at the middle school, more often than not she comes home with a new joke. This is what happened in the car on the way home from school last Thursday.

Immediately, the gears in Harper’s brain began to smoke. She would not be outdone.

Me: Okay. No.

Harper: Wasn’t that funny?

Me: Actually, I thought it was very funny. But for the wrong reasons. We can’t use Whore. Can you come up with a different ending?

Harper: TORSE!!!!

Me: Yes! Torse!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Meredith: What’s a whore?

Me: WHO WANTS A FROSTY FROM WENDY’S?! Because I do!!!

Tossing Hats into Rings and Whispering “NaBloPoMo.”

So, yeah. We did the Halloween thing. Meredith was Scary Selena Gomez, and Harper was Rose Princess.

I don’t really get into Halloween, although I try my best to put on a good show, what with the “Ooh! You look so spooooky!” and the “What a beyooootiful princess!!!” schlock that I tend to puke up every time someone knocks on my door. (I really do get into the pumpkin carving thing. With that said, I believe I pulled a muscle in my back carving the Hello Kitty pumpkin for Meredith. I’m 147 years old.)

There was a spooky pumpkin guy at the school’s Trunk or Treat on Friday, and his mouth looks like Jeff’s mouth. So, although Jeff swears he was working late and could not be at the Trunk or Treat, I like to pretend that he really was there—all goofified in a pumpkin head and staying silent to up his spooky cred. (Sometimes I type poetry by accident. I’m sure Allen Ginsberg knows what I’m talking about.) (Note: Goofified? You won’t find it in the dictionary. And that’s a shame.)

I finished my ghost socks just in time for Halloween, and then I forgot to wear them. I believe Teddy Roosevelt once said that Election Day is a good day for ghost socks. (Oh! Before you think I got all crazy talented with the ghost socks, please know that the dyer actually dyed the yarn so that if you knit at seven stitches per inch, the ghosts appear. That’s all you have to do. Genius.)

To keep up with tradition, I’m thinking of posting every day this month. I already know that I’m going to have five days of trickiness around Thanksgiving, so I’m not going to officially sign on for NaBloPoMo. Let’s see what happens.
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My roommate once told me I was Very Wide. Follow this link to read the story, and you could win $150! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Why, yes. I’d love some.

First off? I love each and every one of you for your words of wisdom and concern regarding my crazy headache drama. Without going into too much detail (Just wait a few paragraphs. You know how I am), I believe I am on the mend. So, it now appears that we have a bit of catching up to do related to things that don’t really impact your life at all. But isn’t that how it is when you find yourself sitting across the table from someone? Let’s pretend you and I are enjoying some coffee, and it’s my turn to talk. (I always let you go first, because I’m sort of a Girl Scout like that.) I’ll even put my words in quotation marks so it really seems like I’m using my larynx! Don’t we have fun?

“Yep. As much as I think I would like to hang out with Nate Berkus for a few minutes, I really don’t believe his show is going to last. It’s all over the place and he’s giving pillows away to a sad lady and then all of a sudden a little bouncy girl is featured who designs semi-hoochie clothes, and then we’re talking about dating, and married couples who put sex at the bottom of their totem pole, and some lady keeps a litter box in her bedroom, and really. So much shifting of the focus, and no vintage ribbon to tie it all together.”

“Jeff and I celebrated nine years of marriage on Wednesday by taking Harper to karate, picking Meredith up from scouts, and taking both kids to church choir. We shut the night down with French silk pie, which really isn’t a bad way to shut things down. Jeff presented me with nine roses. I presented him with The Instructions. This evening may find us indulging in a bit of sushification.”

“I just finished my part of a smooth sailing freelance project, and I’m now taking time off while I adjust to my new migraine prevention pills. I’m feeling a few hours of relief each day from the headache, but I’m replacing the pain with a constant haze that, according to my doctor, should last no longer than six weeks. I’m high. When I reach for something, my hand arrives a split second after I think it should. Yesterday, after my neighbor and I discovered that we were both craving Indian food, I found myself filling my plate at Gokul’s buffet. When my plate was full, I went and sat down at a different table from where we had been seated just a few minutes before. Excuse me while I kiss the sky, Guster.”

“Last night we went to the middle school for a family game night, and for the first time ever, Harper kicked my butt at checkers. (This may or may not have anything to do with the anti-seizure meds. Whee!) After each move, she took breaks to work on the book she’s writing about brownies. I would document all of this in her baby book, but why start now?”

“An older bow-tied gentleman at church once noticed that I tend to put the sugar in the cup before pouring in the coffee. He nodded his head and said, ‘Ah! You’re a Pre-Sugarian!’ That will stick with me for the rest of my life.”

“You look so pretty slash handsome today. Please pass the Doritos.”
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My roommate once told me I was Very Wide. Follow this link to read the story, and you could win $150! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>