Category: Don’t look at my feet.

Because I’m not a fan of crowds, last year I often found myself stressing out before PTO meetings even though my only obligation for those meetings was to walk into the school library, find an empty seat, sit down in that seat, and then find my way out to the car when the meeting was over. I believe I attended a total of three meetings last year, which is admittedly fairly horrible, but it was three meetings more than I had attended in any of the previous years.

I’m now the treasurer of our school’s PTO. This means I will be attending ALL of the meetings, probably saying actual words during those meetings, doing things with money and bank accounts and budgets, and smiling a lot. I just need to constantly remind myself that sending a loved one off to WAR is terrifying. PTO is not terrifying. It’s not terrifying. Not terrifying. Terrifying.

Last night I attended my first event of the fiscal year. (Look at me talking in fiscals. I feel smarter already, Olivia Newton-John!) I saw a few things that broke my heart and a few things that found me fighting the urge to roll my eyes into the back of my head. At the end of the night, I returned home, counted some money, and entered a bunch of numbers into the system. No need for Xanax. All is well.

This evening (in about an hour, actually), we’ll be returning to school to meet the teachers. I’m terribly happy with the teachers the girls will have this year. My only complaint (and it’s a tiny one) is that one of the girls will be in a classroom with someone that I was hoping would NOT be in her classroom. BUT, I’m trying my hardest to turn my attitude around and even bring God into it along with words like Forgiveness and Peace and Love. (Wurocher once said, “If a child acts like a hateful animal, treat her as one. Feed her ground corn and chicken by-product and make her pee outside. Just kidding.”)

We’ll see what happens. In the meantime, if you have a Dairy Queen in your area, get over there and buy a Nutter Butter Blizzard. Tell them I sent you. (Don’t really tell them that I sent you. They don’t know me. (Unless you’re going to the Dairy Queen by my house. They know me. Oh, yes they do.)) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

I know I’ve gone on about this before.

But seriously. I had to share this with you.

I wasn’t sure how to respond this morning when my feminine protection suggested I go play.

“I’ve got your back,” said the tampon, “Really. Go play.”

“Well, okay then!” I replied as I pumped my fist into the air, which I often do during That Time of The Month. (I normally follow that exuberant fist pump with a melodramatic cry on the bathroom floor, a maniacal laugh as I shove too many Doritos into my mouth, and a silent scream as my migraine hits. I enjoy being a girl!)

So, yeah. I did what the tampon told me! After taking the kids to catch their ride to College for Kids, I played fourteen rounds of tennis (rounds? sets? I really have no idea!), I mastered The Cartwheel in my front yard, I marched around a football field with a tuba, and I cross-country skied across some country!

Tampon totally had my back. I returned to the house to find that all of my laundry was finished and put away, the floors were sparkling, the dog had been trained, and my shower problem had been solved! The only thing Tampon didn’t do was pick my kids up and bring them back home to me, and that’s the only reason why I decided to remove and dispose of it.

And thank God I did!

It might sound silly, but if you substitute “Grandma” for “tampon” the way I just did, it becomes a bit easier to heed the advice! So, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind. I’m grabbing my keys and hitting the road. You see, somewhere out there is a carnival with my name written all over it, and I’m going to have fun. I *do* trust you, Tampon! I do! (Why am I suddenly crying? Do you have any Funyons I can borrow?!)

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My mom and I had lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings this afternoon, and I ordered what I always order: Grilled Chicken Buffalitos without the chicken. (I hit the nine month mark of being meat-free last week! The Buffalitos don’t need the chicken if they have the sauce!) Anyway, when our order arrived, my Buffalitos had chicken. I sent them back. About ten minutes later, my lunch arrived again. With chicken. By that time, my mom had already eaten over half of her meal, so I told the server to simply forget it. All of this to say: My MOM had lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings this afternoon. I ended up going through the Taco Bell drive thru for a bean burrito. I had a beef with the chicken, but no chicken OR beef with the burrito. All is well.

This evening I went to a meeting, and when I returned to my car, I found that at least three geese (or one especially productive goose) had emptied their bowels onto my car. (I know!) I had planned to wash my car this afternoon, but never got around to it. I’ll do it tomorrow. Again, all is well.

After the meeting, I went to Walgreens to stock up on snacks, and when I stepped out of my car, I stepped into a puddle of vomit. Luckily, there was a wet rug outside of Walgreens (I have no idea why), and I was able to thoroughly clean my shoe before stepping back into my car. All? Well!

Harper has an exciting day planned for tomorrow. I have plans for lunch with a friend and a haircut. Meredith has an exciting day planned for Thursday. I have plans to attend her play as well as her field trip. Also, this evening I was elected PTO Treasurer for the 2011-2012 school year, and I have enough cocoa dusted almonds to stuff a swollen starling! (Thanks to all who checked in with me yesterday. I do appreciate it!)

Oh! Wait! EDITED TO ADD the fact that I also got a new pair of shoes on the cheap! (No WONDER the gray skies are starting to clear up!)

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I want a Fluid Pudding Regular to win this one!
The Puddings are eating vegetables and giving away a $100 Visa Gift Card! Leave a comment for your chance to win! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

When I was in the seventh grade, I went to a dance. Less than thirty minutes after arriving (and feeling like someone from another land as I watched over 100 people smiling and air-knocking simultaneously to Who Can It Be Now), I knew that dances were not my thing. After a bit of semi-frantic wandering behind the scenes, I quickly learned that the student council members were running the snack booth in shifts, so I wandered over and struck a deal.

Me: I know I’m not part of the student council, but my change-making skills are impeccable.

Popular girl: You have to be on the student council to work here. We each have to work a thirty minute shift.

Me: I understand that, but I also understand that it’s only a matter of time before Centerfold starts playing, and you would probably rather be dancing to THAT than hanging out back here. Me? I would rather be selling Coke and Laffy Taffy than just about anything else right now. I CURRENTLY HAVE AN “A” IN MATH.

Popular girl: Well, if you promise not to steal any of the money…

Me: I’m BAPTIST.

For the rest of the night, whenever a student council member would show up for a shift, I would kindly relieve him or her so I could continue to hide behind the metal box of quarters. I Never Went To Another Dance. Ever. No. Not Even Prom.

The list titled Things I Hope My Daughters Don’t Inherit From Me is longer than you think, and one of the items on that list is “483. My complete inability to let go and dance.”

On Saturday night, Jeff took Meredith to a dance celebrating the 99th anniversary of Girl Scouts. I am pleased (elated, even) to report that Meredith never felt the urge to sit in a tiny room and sell candy bars. (I put together the following video (with a bit of my own editorial commentary, because my opinions are Important when it comes to Ke$ha) as a bit of a souvenir for Meredith. Feel free to watch it if you want.) ((Also, please know that had I been at the dance, I probably would not have allowed Meredith to keep jumping off of those bleachers. Buzzkill, thy name is Pudding.))

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Only One More Day for This One!!! I’m giving away some more energy-conserving light bulbs, and I would love for you to win. People have been leaving some great tips on how they conserve energy around the house! Come on over for your chance to win!

I am drinking Tropicana Pure Premium and giving away a $100 Visa Gift Card! Leave a comment for your chance to win!

I went shopping at Walgreens, and now I’m giving away a $100 Walgreens gift card! Come on over! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

A few months back I noticed that Amy Chua was making the talk show rounds discussing her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. After watching a few of the interviews, I sort of knew that I would probably never read the book, and I sort of knew that I would never want to be friends with Ms. Chua. Her kid made a birthday card for her and she gave it back and demanded something better?! What sort of parenting is that?!

My church book club selected Battle Hymn for our summer book, and I quickly signed up for it at the library because I knew that I didn’t want Ms. Chua to receive any royalty cash from me. When I made my library request, I was something like request number 394,492 with four copies in circulation. It was doubtful I would ever see the book. No big deal.

Apparently, some sort of hiccup took place in the system, and I got the call from the library a few days back. Please know that I’m sort of glancing around the room before I type this next sentence for fear that Katie Couric will walk out of my bathroom and roll her eyes at me, but: After reading the first 68 pages, I’m finding that I’m actually agreeing with MANY of the points that Chua makes in her book. MANY of the points! (I don’t really care if Katie Couric rolls her eyes at me. I think we could make up over burritos, and everything would be Just Fine.) ((Do you know that I make my kids correct their homework, because I find it unacceptable for them to make mistakes when they have the convenience of time to complete things accurately? I’ve also been known to make them correct things that they bring home from school. I know we’ll eventually reach a time when I can no longer enforce Correction, and I’m hoping the habit sticks so they eventually do it by choice, or just get things right the first time. We’ll see.)) (((How about that burrito, Katie Couric?!)))

It is now becoming clear to me that most of the people who interviewed Ms. Chua never read the book. Like me, they received the bulleted points that most of the articles puke out—the points that make Chua look absolutely callous and semi-abusive. And, sure. On the surface, it might seem a bit weird that Chua loaded the car with her daughter’s dollhouse and threatened to donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if the child didn’t perfect a particular piano composition by the next day. (Do you remember when I, smelling like a freshly showered Cinnamon Bun, went on a rampage and threw all of my kids’ toys away? We all have our moments, no?)

Anyway, peppered throughout the book (at least the first third that I’ve read so far) are things that really hit home (and sometimes sting a bit). For example:

Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there’s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn’t.

As Chua has said time and time again, this is NOT a parenting manual. This is a memoir. AND, if you treat it as a memoir and NOT a handbook, it’s not difficult to find the humor in it. (By the way, it’s very refreshing to be reading it simultaneously with Let’s Panic!) I’m actually considering purchasing the book when my library time is up, just so Penguin can shoot a fraction of a cent toward Ms. Chua for me. It bothers me that Joy Behar gave her such a hard time. It bothers me that I did That Thing where I judged another parent before knowing the whole story. (And I don’t even know the whole story! I know only 68 pages worth of the story!) Once again, we’re all doing our best, and my best is different from your best, and our best is different from Joy Behar’s best, but the fact remains: Everyone (probably) Loves Cake Balls. And later this week, I’ll show you exactly how to make them.
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Only Three More Days for This One!!! I’m giving away some more energy-conserving light bulbs, and I would love for you to win. People have been leaving some great tips on how they conserve energy around the house! Come on over for your chance to win! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

The kidney people used to call a few times each month to ask if I would put some sort of donation out on my front porch. Inevitably, I would forget to put the donation out until midnight the night before they were to come by, and then I would get all cranky and run around my house yelling and and throwing things into bags and boxes and cursing about kidneys all the while. More often than not, the kidney people would then NOT come by, and my bags and boxes would sit there until I packed them into the back of my car and drove them to the little yellow house charity thing at my kids’ school. After three instances of no-show kidney people, I asked them to take us off of their call list.

Last week the veterans called. Today I gathered two bags full of clothing and shoes and coats and whatever and will put them on the front porch before eight in the morning. I’m counting on you to be more reliable than the kidney people, Veterans. If this is the beginning of a successful charitable/reliable relationship, I may even donate a KIDNEY to one of you for the sake of irony and goodwill. (You might think I’m joking. I’m not joking.) Let’s make this work.

Thanks to all of you for the fun suggestions on the review site. Like I said, I’m still sort of swimming and throwing balls around at this point, but when it’s time to make a decision (possibly during the week of the 21st?), you’ll be the first to know what I come up with.

Speaking of the review thing, do you remember last month when I was lamenting about the headshot thing? I talked to Julie at Sungazing about setting something up and then I started spinning around and crying about haircuts and eyeliner and feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being within 300 feet of a camera, and suddenly we were scheduled to hook up with a few friends for lunch last Friday, and because my hair was cut (and I was okay with NOT using liquid eyeliner) a headshot appointment seemed like just the thing to do! We met up on Delmar and despite the fact that I’m a big apprehensive baby, Julie Worked Magic. Never before have I actually been happy to see a photo of myself. Julie is so talented and fun and she honestly loves what she does, which made the whole experience breezy.

On Friday night, I went to my second ever trivia night, and I’m convinced that I should go to MORE trivia nights because even though I’m not very good at them, they’re really sort of fun, aren’t they? Our table won the Best Decorated Table award, and that may have been because no other tables were decorated, but it also may have been because someone at our table owns a laminating machine! (It’s becoming really clear to me lately that I’m surrounded by amazing people.)

This week will be spent celebrating Jeff’s (40th) birthday, making more cake balls (have I talked to you about my cake ball thing?), and possibly planning a (very) small getaway. Meanwhile, I’m holding out hope for the Vietnam Veterans of America and their ability to pick up my (gently used) stuff.
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I’m giving away some more energy-conserving light bulbs, and I would love for you to win. People have been leaving some great tips on how they conserve energy around the house! Come on over for your chance to win! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

I throw in my sponge! (My make-up sponge.) My inconsolable soul able to weep these tears no more. No more!

I hereby draw the line. (Around my eye!) ((With a felt-tipped applicator that gives me ultimate control.))

Oh! My mumpish existence. If you blur your perception, a fish appears to be consuming my bulbus oculi. Eye? Ideally, I’ll be able to recreate his brother on my other side.

(I’m now ready for tomorrow’s Parent Teacher Conferences.)

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The Puddings are saving energy and giving away two $50 GE energy smart LED light bulbs! Come on over for a chance to win! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>