Nothing to see here…

I’m sort of updating this as I go, until I end up doing an inadvertent impression of Glenn Close crying in the shower.

Breakfast: One cup of Earl Grey with (perfectly legal) honey, one half cup of cherry gelatin, one half cup of beef broth, one iced coffee with Splenda.

Mid-morning snack: One cup of apple juice, and one apple Jolly Rancher. Yeah. Seriously.

Lunch: One watermelon Jolly Rancher. More beef broth. Whee! I’m shaky!

Mid-afternoon snack: Chicken broth, because I like to Shake It Up. Two watermelon Jolly Ranchers. Iced coffee. Water. Cherry Jolly Rancher. Blue raspberry Jolly Rancher. Viva la Jolly Ranchers!

4:00 CST: Time for the purging of the innards. La la la la laaaaaaaah! Ouch.

Dinner: Beef broth. No more Jolly Ranchers. Two 32 oz. bottles of Gatorade, each spiked with half a bottle of Miralax.

9:12 CST: Hating it. The end.

Mood: Irritable. Don’t look at me. No. I mean it.

Frown upside down/scar into star/etc.: The tooth fairy had to make an emergency trip to Walgreens last night.

Also, we went bowling yesterday. Meredith tends to throw the ball and then twist her body around in an attempt to alter the atmospheric pressure just enough to attract the ball to the pins.

Harper handles the ball like a hot potato and follows every throw with a victory dance.
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Shiny things! Babies! Diversions!

Many of you have requested this video, and I figured today would be the perfect day to put it back up.

It moves the FAFPBPA shirt down a bit! It shows a kid with great (sweaty bedhead) hair! I’m sort of singing!

Anyway. Enjoy.

(I removed the related videos which all featured actual snakes biting actual babies. You can thank me later.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Vanilla Long John Love with a Side of Fiona Apple

This morning I dropped Meredith off at school, returned home with Harper, made coffee, started a load of laundry, plopped down onto the couch, and remembered that I haven’t pulled up Fluid Pudding in over a week.

Whiny Paragraph: I barely made it through the evening of Meet the Teacher last week. Argh. I’m not sure if it’s my general lack of adult interaction or the fact that I’ve always been socially awkward, but any time I spoke to someone that evening, my lip got all quivery and my eyes twitched and I’m sure I looked palsy bound. I have no idea why I get so rattled. Is this why people take Xanax? Is this why people drink wine throughout the day? Is this why some people (namely, Angela Pudding) should choose to stay home and watch crap television instead of attempting to exchange a simple round of small talk? I really thought throwing on a cute skirt would give me at least an hour of sparkling confidence. The spooky trees failed me.

In Which I Attempt to Turn my Frown Upside Down (And, I Fail!): But enough about that! School is now in session! Meredith adores first grade! Harper is in love with Pre-K! I had sushi for lunch yesterday and Gokul for dinner! On a semi-related note, I’m back on Weight Watchers and am six pounds into my fourteen pound goal. (As much as I complain about Weight Watchers, it really does work for me. You know, when I actually do it instead of simply talking about it.) Jeff’s class reunion is coming up in a few months, and I already know that the room will be filled to the brim with Lovelies, and I also already know that there’s not nearly enough time for me to get the adequate amount of therapy that will allow me to be a social butterfly that evening. SO, at least I can try to fit into one of my favorite “sit in a corner and eat toasted ravioli” dresses. Also, spunky shoes might help. Yes, I said Spunky.

Something happened last Friday that has never happened before. As a woman from the lab took a bunch of blood out of my arm, she told me that I have super cute feet. And because I generally am not a foot person and always feel awkward in sandals (Wait. I truly AM a disaster, aren’t I?!), I decided to ramble a bit too much about how the color I’m wearing is OPI’s “Over the Taupe” and that Alison Sweeney wears it on Days of Our Lives and the more I talked The More I Talked. So, yeah. Over the Taupe. I love it in the same way that I love buying a new pen and a new notebook. It’s that GOOD kind of love. Vanilla Long John Love. (Although, I tend to prefer mine unfilled.)

(I bought fresh ginger yesterday! And the kind folks on Facebook taught me how to prepare it! Balance! Can you tell that I’m scowling more than usual today?! Meredith kicked the cat last night, and I’m still not really over it. Also, Seasonique? Yeah. It failed me this week. I will not elaborate. Ginger in my bok choy tonight!)

In about three weeks I’ll be making my annual trip to Chicago to buy yarn. My goal is to buy a silk/wool blend to make a black one of these and perhaps something neutral with a lot of drape to make one of these. I’m also keeping my eyes open for something black and shiny to make another one of these. Also, there will be grits. And two nights in a hotel. The possibility of a martini. And because it’s a road trip? Nutter Butters and coffee—the perfect road trip snack.

Two hours have passed since I first sat down at the computer. I just dropped Harper off at school, meaning I now have 2.5 hours to myself before I pick everyone up.

I love this song, and am now on a quest to find an audio file and some decaf Earl Grey. Enjoy your afternoon.

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Muffin Failures, Unicorn Videos, and Rear View Organs

Don’t you hate it when someone starts singing songs about giving away muffins and then they disappear for a week? Let the Truth Be Told: I never heard back from my muffin man. I’m going to contact one other person (Governor Muffin) to see what I can do, but right now it’s not looking good.

Speaking of not looking good, here’s the Testicle Unicorn, as seen on Pudding Laundry Day, which is pretty much every day, and I’m not sure why I need you to know that. Perhaps I’m just a bit embarrassed by all of the laundry baskets sitting around. Also, pay special attention to how the unicorn’s hair is gently blowing in the breeze. Please know that there was no breeze. The thing truly is magical. (Mythical? Testicle?):

Oh! And once again speaking of Not Looking Good, get this. The next time you see me you’re going to think “Wow. Something is different about her, but I can’t figure out what it is.” Here. Let me help you. It’s my gall bladder, or lack thereof! I’ll spare you the uglies. Just know that I have a surgical consult on Thursday! And the only thing that really gets my goat is the fact that this whole gall bladder extraction thing might affect my road trip to Chicago in a few weeks.

Turning Lemons into Lemonade, as I Often Do: Since I might not be able to deliver the muffins, perhaps I’ll knit up a sporty little gall bladder and one of you (very lucky) people will be able to place a spanking new handknit organ on your dashboard before the end of the summer (or winter, or whatever season you’re dealing with right now, turn, turn, turn). I’ll be in touch. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

I should have stuffed the jumbos. Instead, I embed.

Last year, to commemorate the anniversary of my birth, I stuffed quite a few marshmallows into my mouth to see if I could get past a dozen without choking. This year I fully intended to do the same thing, but really. How many marshmallow stuffing videos does the world need? (Plus, I’m wearing my new favorite scarf right now and I can’t risk the slobber. You know how it is.)

Enjoy your day, especially if you have either graham crackers or chocolate in your possession. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Open me! Open me!

It’s been a busy week at the Pudding house. As you know, we adopted Ramona last Saturday, and are now struggling with keeping her sequestered from Sidney (our other cat) as she gets over that whole Humane Society Upper Respiratory Infection thing. (By the way, I HATE giving medicine to a cat.)

Apparently, Luna’s death last year coupled with Ramona joining our family last week has really screwed with my head—specifically, my recognition synapses. I’ve spent the past five days calling Ramona “Fiona” and confusing Harper and Meredith. Last night when Jeff returned from New York, I called him Jim.

Next Tuesday is Harper’s fourth birthday, and Wednesday is Meredith’s sixth. Four and six. Holy smokes.

I have lots of stories I want to tell you, but not a lot of time. SO, here is a video from last week’s kindergarten performance. (Don’t be scared. It’s less than two minutes long.)

Meredith shone.

Meredith shined.

(I think both are correct, unless shined indicates that she made something shiny, in which case, she definitely shone. There was no chamois in sight.)

MC’s Spring Concert from Angela D. on Vimeo. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Four days only!

So, last year I made a video of myself writing all over my face for Easter.

About a month after I posted it, all hell broke loose.

Let’s just say this: There’s an amazing dead pianist out there with a crabby family who doesn’t appreciate his music being played while a complete idiot marks herself up with Clinique eyeliner.

With all due respect (or whatever you say when you’ve decided to flip the kindest of birds), I’m proud of that stinking video. Seriously! I had to write on my face backwards, and you know how tricky that is!

Because my feelings of invincibility tend to hit in 96-hour spurts, I’m putting the video up again, but will be taking it down on Monday.

Happy Easter to you.

Happy Easter from Fluid Pudding! from Angela D. on Vimeo. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Care to follow me down a side road?

So, I posted the following few paragraphs and reviews earlier today, and then it seemed weird to be posting anything in light of the terrible news about Madeline. (You can donate to March of Dimes in her honor by heading over here.) Anyway, I’m always completely speechless in these situations, and then I read what Velma wrote about her own daughter. And she summed up my feelings so perfectly.

My book club is meeting next week, and for the second month in a row, I have not yet read the book. Instead, I’ve been reading The Household Guide to Dying. And I’m loving it, and I talk all about it right over here.

Also, I’ve been eating yogurt. And I made a video of myself eating yogurt (follow this link to see), because sometimes that urge just strikes, don’t you agree? Actually, I believe we should pick a day and all make videos of ourselves eating our favorite food. Would you be up for it? (I choose Delhi’s Chaat (#11 on the menu), and I choose May 12th, for obvious reasons.) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

It’s a new verb!

I’ve been Doobleh-Vayed!

(And it feels good!)

And if that’s not enough to make my day, this morning I took Harper to The Little Gym, and I met a knitter!

Last week I spent the entire Little Gym hour listening to a mom talk about her servants (Yep. She has live-in help, and she refers to them as her servants! Where do I begin?!), and this week I spent the hour chatting with a really pleasant woman who will soon be visiting the yarn store!

Good Day!

Enjoy your weekend!

P.S. I’m wearing the earrings. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>