Fluid Pudding

When Meredith was 12, she decided to be Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars for Halloween.

Hazel was on oxygen, so putting the costume together was fairly easy: Magritte shirt and nasal cannula.

Because the middle school had a fairly strict dress code that prohibited the glorification of tobacco or drug use, I sent a photo of the shirt to the principal and said something like, “I just wanted you to know that Meredith will be wearing this Rene Magritte shirt to school for the Halloween celebration. She has decided to dress up as Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars, which is her favorite book. Hazel wears the shirt in the movie.” The principal came back with something like, “Nope. With a picture of a pipe, the shirt glorifies tobacco use, which is prohibited in our dress code.”

I told Meredith that the principal won’t let her wear the shirt because it has a pipe on it.

Meredith: But this is NOT a pipe.
Me: You’re totally right! I think you should wear it.

And she did, because: It was Halloween, it glorifies Rene Magritte more than it glorifies tobacco use, and Fuck It.

(I MIGHT try NaBloPoMo this year. There’s an election going on next week, and I have a funny feeling I’ll be experiencing emotions.)

I went to some places and I did some things and I found a therapist and I’ve been meditating with the help of a doctor in Oregon and I’m knitting lace out of silk and I’m eating a lot of this.

I’m not sure what else you might want to know.

Do you want to know that I’ve been writing about and making drawings of adventures I had way back before you and I knew each other?

(You definitely do not want to know the story about the dancer and the naked girl. You might think you do, but: Trust Me.)

Oh, hi. It’s been 58 days since I last stopped by. So much has happened. Nothing has happened.

I made some overnight oats with strawberries and honey (and oats, obviously). Also, milk.

I decided to start this thing.

It will eventually (maybe) look like this thing.

I was tested for the virus, and it took ten days to get my results. Before I knew I was negative, I decided to hit my body with a tremendous (whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful) light.

I fell in love with these shoes. I put them on for this photo, and then I put them back in the box. I’ll gift them to myself when I feel like I deserve a gift. (I know that sounds sad. It’s not, I promise.)

Oh! I spun two ounces of roving, and am slowly working my way through the final two.

I’ve been working, I’ve been at ridiculously high levels of anxiety, I’ve been distracted and fidgety and angry and sad but also completely aware that I’m lucky. I’ve been thinking about the kids going back to school and the people who continue to protest and the work that needs to be done in this country and how we have only 96 days until the election. I’m thinking about how I know 11 people who have tested positive for the virus, and 3 of them died (not close friends or family, but friends and family), and how anyone who thinks this virus isn’t a big deal is surely not doing their research. This isn’t an Us vs. Them thing. Not everything is an Us vs. Them thing, despite what we’re being told.

I think the most important thing right now (and probably always) is that we all stop being assholes. I’m trying to not be an asshole. I’m trying to help where I can. I’m trying to be positive. I wear a mask because I care about you. (Yes. Even YOU!)

For the first time in over a year, I pulled out the sewing machine to make masks yesterday, and this one is my favorite because I have a thing for chairs.

I’ll try to not let another 58 go by without visiting.
I hope everyone is okay out there.

Our country is in a super shitty place right now, and I’ve been spending a lot of my days trying to figure out what I can do to help.

As far as the virus goes, I’m wearing a mask. I’m not leaving the house often. I’m knitting ear protectors for a pediatrician’s office. I’m getting groceries for my parents so they don’t have to go into places where most people are no longer wearing masks. (By the way, the people who are no longer wearing masks are selfish and awful. I was going to use the word Assholes after Awful, but I’m not a name caller.)

George Floyd was the victim of a completely senseless murder, and maybe you know a police officer who is a good guy. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t. And I don’t want to hear that you think Trump is a good guy. I don’t want to hear that you’re not racist. I especially don’t want to hear that you don’t see color and that all lives matter.

I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. I’m angry. I’m going to keep reading and doing research. I’m going to listen. I’m not going to expect someone else to teach me how to be. I’m going to not make it about me. I don’t know best. You don’t know best. Put on your stupid mask and try to understand what is happening. Let’s be willing to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

Black Lives Matter.

George Floyd lost his job during the stay-at-home order. He has a six-year-old daughter.

Breonna Taylor was working two jobs as an EMT. She had plans to go to nursing school and start a family.

Ahmaud Arbery wanted to be an electrician and own his own company.

Sean Reed was an active-duty airman first class in the 3P0 security forces career field.

Get to know them beyond what your news source may be telling you.

If the virus wasn’t a thing, I would be getting a tattoo right now to celebrate my 50th birthday. It was a four hour appointment scheduled from 11-3 and was going to enhance and build on the Georgia O’Keeffe hands on my ankle and hhhhhhhhhhhh. (Please know that I know I have merely been inconvenienced. I am alive and healthy and we have food and I smell like chamomile oil.)

Last week I told you that I wanted to shave my head. On Saturday I went ahead and did it because: 1. Sometimes we don’t get to do the things we really want to do just because of Reasons. There was no reason to not shave my head. 2. John Waters once advised a graduating class to “Go out in the world and fuck it up beautifully.” Shaving my head really has nothing to do with that. I just needed a #2 for my #1.

One thing I’ve learned is that when your head is shaved, most facial expressions make you look a little deranged. SO, maybe the whole “Britney Spears is BALD and CRAZY!” thing was only half true.

I’m not sure I’ll keep it like this forever, but anything goes when you’re almost 50 and going through a med change during a pandemic that is starting to smell like death hornets.

Best of all, when I don’t want to look like a baldy, I can just throw on an amazing hat!

Harper turned 15 yesterday and most of you know that we named her after Harper Lee and then found out a few weeks later that she was actually born on Harper Lee’s birthday.

Meredith turned 17 today and most of you know that she shares a birthday with Amy Krouse Rosenthal, who was one of my very favorite people.

Most of you know that the girls would have shared a birthday if I had not eaten a White Castle fish sandwich on the way to the hospital to have Meredith. (I had to wait several hours after eating for them to perform the surgery, so she was born at 2:00 in the morning on the 29th.)

Anyway, kids and birthdays and Springsteen songs about Growin’ Up and seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers, blossoming even as we gaze.

That’s not why I’m here.

I’m HERE because everyone seems to be shaving their heads and I’m about two days away from jumping onto that very crowded wagon. (I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, and we’re going to talk about my meds. I don’t want a bald head to influence our dosage decisions.)

I’ve done my research, and I’ve purchased clippers for dog grooming, and I’m assuming dog clippers would also work as human clippers, and if I’m careful and I set the scene just right (Sinead O’Connor music in the background, photos of the Pope hanging on the bathroom wall, etc.) I’m pretty sure I can end up looking like this.

I have consulted with the woman who cuts my hair, and she said, “Whatever you end up doing, it’s just hair. It’ll grow back fast. It is best to do these things sober, but YOLO!” (I love her.)

Did I mention my meds will probably be switched up tomorrow?

I took a drive.
I made some chili.
I grabbed my journal and pen and wrote out what was bonking around in my head.
I sat and thought what I thought and felt how I felt.

I did this.

Left Symmetry Me is making Actual Me feel very uncomfortable because:

Meanwhile, Right Symmetry Me is making Actual Me wonder if I need more holes in my nose. Right Symmetry Me just wants everyone to take deep breaths (she recommends alternate nostril breathing, obviously) and maybe listen to Un Sospiro because it’s tragic and beautiful just like everything.

How many days in a row can I just sit here on the couch? 43 days? 183 days? 2,392 days? Jeff just went to Home Depot (WITH A MASK TO GET SOMETHING ESSENTIAL) and I asked him to please get a hummingbird feeder because I want to start using the word Flit again.

I bought my first jar of moonshine last week, so if anyone is keeping up with my baby book, feel free to write “April 10, 2020” in the Baby’s First Moonshine category.

This has nothing to do with the moonshine and everything to do with the fact that I’m a shitty homeopath:

Did I ever tell you about the online essential oil party I attended where the person selling the oils sang some weird song about how lavender oil can cure cancer? (I got mad because don’t even tell me I could have cured my brother-in-law’s brain cancer by sticking some lavender up his nose.)

Missouri schools are out for the year, so the next time Meredith steps into the building it will be as a senior. (I think some of you remember when she was born.) She’s talking about photojournalism in college, along with women’s studies and political science. She recently submitted a self-portrait to a photo contest. You can see it if you click this link. You can also vote for it there if you feel inclined. (You don’t have to sign up for anything or make any promises in order to vote. You can also vote every single day until the contest ends on Tuesday. (“Every single day” sounded like quite a commitment until I mentioned Tuesday, right?))

I haven’t cross stitched in years and I’m not sure if cross stitch is one word or two. Crossstitch? Crossssssstitch? Anyway, it just makes sense that I would choose this time to take on a big scary tree.

Man, I hope you’re doing okay.

Also, do me a favor and check out Fiona Apple’s new album. It came out yesterday, and I’m in love.

I set the goal of going the entire week without mentioning The Virus, but all I really had to go with was, “Hey guys I’ve decided to grow my hair out and I guess so have you. Words can’t bring us down.”

This morning I saw my (probably in her late 70s or maybe 80s) neighbor backing out of her driveway. Last week I told her to yell if she needs anything, but I guess she didn’t want to bother us. She lives by herself and I don’t want her to die, so tonight I’ll probably go over and break both of her legs. I’ll sleep better at night knowing she can’t leave her house. Who knew it would come down to this?

Henry can’t remember the last time he was crated during the day, and he believes we are staying home just to hang out with him. (He’s not entirely wrong.)

Complaints (withdrawn): I just typed out three complaints, and then I deleted each one because I’m tired of absurd complaints, so why should I add to the stack? I hereby donate all of my complaints to people who deserve them—healthcare workers, people who are sick and/or dying, people who have lost friends or family members, folks who might be hungry or struggling to pay bills, leaders who are simply trying to score more ventilators for their state but are being outbid because the system is screwed up…

It’s National Letter Writing Month. Grab a pen.

Online school started up this week, and it’s been going surprisingly well. The girls get up at around 9:00, they sit in for conference calls, and they’re actually studying and getting stuff done.

This afternoon Meredith asked for some notecards.

Me: How many do you need?
Meredith: Two.
Me: Is it okay if they aren’t lined?
Meredith: It’s fine. I’m doing some science.

Ten minutes later, the girls were huddled up in the family room and I was hearing words like Dominant and Recessive and Heterozygous.

Me: What are you guys doing?
Meredith: We’re building a Punnett Square for Drake’s baby.
Me: Is that for an assignment?
Meredith: Nope.

I don’t mind having them home.